Encouragementology

Establishing Healthy Boundaries

 

“You change for two reasons: Either you learn enough that you want to, or you've been hurt enough that you have to.” ~Unknown

Boundary - a line that marks the limits.

Have your limits been tested? Are your boundaries frequently crossed or violated? How strong is your perimeter?

Developing a healthy boundary is establishing a system of rules that protect you from overextending yourself and being taken advantage of or harmed. If your nature is to nurture and take care of others, it’s easy for these boundaries to be fuzzy or unclear. Leaving yourself open and vulnerable.

Setting strong guidelines for how you expect to be treated helps you regain your power and gives others a clearer expectation.  But here’s the key, you can’t just say it one time and expect everyone to respect your wishes. You have to lead by example and stay firm. If you say one thing, then bend when you feel weak or guilty, you create that level of expectation, “Well that’s what she says, but it’s not really what she means”.

So visualize building this boundary around you at a healthy and safe distance. How tall is it? Do you need a wall or will a fence do? What did you use to build your boundary?

Maybe your boundary involves time for yourself. Schedule it, and make it reoccurring.

Maybe your boundary is about respect and how people speak to you. Model this in your own daily communication.

If your boundary is having the ability to say NO. Exercise that, start small but be firm.

What if your boundary is eliminating toxic people. Take a moral inventory and whether family, friend or co-worker, if they are consistently adding negativity to your life, take a step back and create distance.

Creating a healthy boundary is about taking care of yourself, preventing negativity, and adding space for things that bring you joy.

CHALLENGE: make a list and evaluate what is bringing you joy and what is preventing it. Don’t get overwhelmed with thoughts of a total life makeover, take one thing at a time and start building your boundary. When you are challenged, refer to this list. It’s up to you to hold your perimeter. When you do this consistently, the attacks will come fewer and fewer.

I know YOU can do it!

Musical Feature: Escaping Pavement  www.escapingpavement.com

Overcoming Fear

We’ve all heard the words “paralyzed by fear”. The inability to move in any direction and the tendency to stay stuck and obsess with “what if’s”

Have you ever found yourself there? You get a thought and instead of following it down the happy trail you take a side path to doom. The mind is a powerful control center and can shoot holes and inject fear into almost any situation. You then rationalize these thoughts with over-generalized statements like, “makes sense, things NEVER go my way” “I’m always on the short end of the stick”.

How can we cut through these thoughts and institute a reality check?

First, you have to be aware of what is happening. Be mindful when your thoughts start to create the end of the story. “They haven’t called because I probably didn’t have enough experience…” “She left early because I’m sure I said something that offended her” “He isn’t home, I bet he found someone else to talk to”  Put a stick in the spoke of the spinning wheel and STICK TO THE FACTS. Stop the story where the facts end. That’s hard to do because naturally, we want to have a complete picture of what we are facing. The issue is, you rarely write a rosy ending.

When you regain control of your thoughts do an inventory. That starts with being present and in the now. Transport yourself back to the present by noticing how your body feels. Where are your feet, wiggle your toes. Stretch out your hands and wiggle your fingers. Roll your shoulders and take in a deep breath. Welcome back.

Now, where is this fear on the needs assessment scale of priorities  - is it critical? Are we in harm's way? How about our loved ones? Is there immediate danger? NO, ok then you have a minute to explore your options. Being reactionary relies on old habits and knee-jerk reactions. Being strategic is first, fully understanding the entire situation and taking your time to find an appropriate solution.

It is true Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow, it empties today of its strength. But courage is feeling fear, not getting rid of fear, and taking action in the face of fear."

CHALLENGE: The next time your thoughts take you careening off your path and into the ditch, pump the breaks and give yourself a reality check so you can take a step in the right direction.

I know YOU can do it!

Musical Feature: Independent Singer/Songwriter Matt Martino www.mattmartinoband.com  

Building Deeper Connections

What does your circle look like? Notice I didn’t ask you how many Facebook friends you have or followers on Twitter and Instagram. Who do you let into your inner circle?

So many of us are looking for true and authentic connections. When you were growing up, you liked everyone small like you. Then your personality started developing and you weeded through those who looked like you but didn’t think like you and you developed a group or a click. Best friend, BFF, Besties or Bro started to surface and you vowed never to be apart. But as life happens - school, career, marriage, kids, and just stuff, your relationships changed and your circles got smaller.

Technology promises to make things easier, keep people more connected and informed but instead, it creates isolation and horrible social habits. Instead of bonding and building deeper connections we find ourselves creeping, prying, judging, and ignoring. We’ve replaced a visit with a phone call, shortened to a text, reduced to a “like”, and share our emotions through status updates and emoticons. Who are we? Are we really THAT busy and out of touch?

We have to stop the madness vs excepting what has become the “norm”. Why do we need a $1,000 phone to text our 5 friends and peruse FB’s mindless sea of drama? I a STOP!

RECONNECT

Invite a friend to lunch to catch up (by the way, leave your phone at home or in another room) Remember, you can say “we should do lunch” until you are blue in the face but until you make a plan, it won’t happen. Make the first move! If you do this more often you can eventually stop “catching up” and start going deeper. Really sharing. Judith E. Glaser an Organizational Anthropologist says “When we actively share with others — sharing deep secrets, sharing what’s on our mind, sharing our fears, our dreams and our aspirations, the brain lights up like a Christmas tree. This behavior activates a high level of oxytocin, which is the neurotransmitter that enables us to bond and connect with others deeply”

You are connected with this friend because she/he shares some of your likes and values. Why not network and share connections to widen your circle. “There is a part of the brain that activates when we meet people. It’s called the "like me/not like me" part of the brain or the Rostromedial Prefrontal Cortex. When we think people are like us the RPC lights up and we connect easily. It’s like looking in the mirror and seeing more of ourselves — and we are comfortable.”

We are relational beings who thrive on connecting with others. To experience more joy in your life, make an intentional effort to adopt this idea as a practice. And practice it often!

CHALLENGE: Call a friend, make a date, share deeper. To experience more joy in your life, make an intentional effort to adopt this idea as a practice. And practice it often!

I know YOU can do it!

MUSIC: Featuring independent singer/songwriter, Heidi Burson. www.heidiburson.com

 

Harnessing Your Power

The day starts and ends with you. Have you ever thought about it that way? When you wake up in the morning YOU are in charge of what you feed your consciousness. Much of our day can be dictated by the demands of life, kids, work, school, and so on but YOU can make a conscious decision on all the extras.   

In an article published by the National Science Foundation, it was found that 80% of thoughts are negative. No wonder life feels heavy and overwhelming. Of the 12,000 to 60,000 thoughts experienced each day, as many as 98% of them are the same thought as the day before. If the core elements are predetermined, what can you do to infuse positivity into the rest of your day?

What pops into your head when you first wake up? Instead of tricking yourself with 8 more minutes of interrupted semi-sleep, try turning off the alarm and opening your mind. First, find gratitude. This can happen by just saying it out loud, THANK YOU. Thank you for a chance to make something cool happen today, thank you for all that I have already, thank you for the opportunity to do more with my life….

Next, clear your mind and take in a couple of big breaths. Since you bypassed the snooze you have a little extra time. Focus on one thing you can do today that will bring you joy, help you achieve a goal, or make an impact on the lives of those around you.

Instead of letting all the things you haven’t done flood through your mind pick ONE thing you can do to focus on. This can be as simple as making pancakes for your family or getting to your meeting in time for bagels and coffee. The point is ONE thing to get your day started.

During the day, start observing how you spend your time, eating, social media surfing, procrastinating, watching TV, being angry and so on. Is there an opportunity to maximize ONE moment? Where can you infuse a healthier alternative that can help you regain your power?  Something that might challenge your mind. An activity to help you relax, organize your thoughts and bring you joy.

You have the power to take back some of the control and to assert your authority over your thoughts. Start small, ONE thing can easily turn to TWO, then habits will form and THREE and FOUR will be a cake walk. Before you know it, you’ll end your day thankful for all the positive extras you experienced and hopeful for the next day!

CHALLENGE: So I challenge you to evaluate your morning routine and try something new. Find gratitude and what’s important to you, take time and shift focus to capture more opportunities throughout your day.

 I know YOU can do it!

FEATURED ARTIST: Martin Sexton www.martinsexton.com