Encouragementology

Your Story, Documenting the Positive

It doesn’t matter where you are… in the first chapter, somewhere in the middle, wrapping it all up, or your stuck determining the forward. This is your story and you get a say how it goes, what people will read, and hopefully the impression that it makes. Sometimes finding the positive is a daily challenge but the importance of counterbalancing the bad with the good makes it worth the work. Let’s find a way to change your focus so that the positive aspects are too hard to overlook.

Why is the bad stuff so much easier to recall? You are having a great day, things are going your way when you hit a snag, something challenging that doesn’t go your way and BAM - you’ve had a horrible day! What happened to all the positive things? Trumped by the negative and lost forever?

If it’s all our perspective then what do we do when things actually happen that stop us in our tracks?  Well first we have to realize ..stopping us in our tracks is temporary. It gives us time to pause and yes, react but not camp out. Something happens...take note. How serious is this? Life changing, costly, troublesome, a pain to deal with or what? Then match your reaction accordingly. We all know that person and it could be you, who is having a complete meltdown and when you finally get to the root of the tantrum, it really should only be a 3 on the freakout scale.  Remember, your reaction affects your long-term health and does nothing to solve the problem.

Try limiting your reaction time. Stop yourself and say “enough” and next ask yourself “what will I do next?” Notice the questions isn’t “What am I going to do now?” WILL insinuates action. This will force you into problem-solving mode and help you move on.

After you’ve moved the issue to the side, take stock of your day thus far. What are all the positive experiences and places you could find gratitude? Add details to those events and really spend some time shaping the pictures in your mind. This mini celebration will give you a nice boost of joy and happy chemicals.

Consider journaling or adding these experiences to a calendar.  Don’t paraphrase here, when you look back on these memories, you will want to read them in great detail.

CHALLENGE: Don’t let a negative event stop you from seeing all the positive in your life. Limit your reaction, quantify the challenge and celebrate the wins. Document the positive to create a healthy legacy you can easily recall and share with others.

 

I know YOU can do it!

 

Stop Obsessing, Getting Free

Obsessing: to dominate or preoccupy the thoughts, feelings, or desires of a person. Have you ever been preoccupied with negative feelings or negative thoughts?

Humans have anywhere from 12,000 to 60,000 thoughts per day. According to some research, as many as 98% of them are actually the same thought as we had the day before. Even more significant 80% of our thoughts are negative.

Do you have a hard time letting things go? Allowing things to roll off your back easily? Or do you hold on to them and continually play them on a loop in your head trying to figure out the why

If you're like most people, you've had the experience of obsessing over something stressful that happened in your day. It may have been something someone said that hit you in the gut, it may have been a situation where you wish you had the perfect comeback, or it may be a problem that replays itself in your mind over and over with no acceptable solution in sight.

We can become obsessed with a person, a place, a goal, a subject, but obsessing amounts to the same thing in all cases, negative behavior. Being driven and having the motivation to reach a goal quicker and more successful is not obsessing. Staying stuck in the same cycle of thoughts with the inability to move forward is obsessing.

When these thoughts turn into brooding, that's known as ruminating. Rumination is as stressful as it is common, it takes a situation that has already caused stress and magnifies the stress and the importance of the situation in our minds. It also zooms in on the feeling of helplessness we may feel when we realize we can’t change what has already happened.

I'm going to share one of my obsessions or stuck issues with you. I have a hard time accepting when people don't like me. I can't seem to understand that everybody has their own opinion and that I might not be everyone's cup of tea so to speak. I had a relationship that ended unexpectedly and for almost two years I couldn't seem to let it go. I didn't feel comfortable confronting this person and just asking a simple question, why aren't we friends anymore? I just kept instead racking my brain and obsessing over the “why”.  Instead of being realistic and considering the “why” could have had something to do with her I was insistent that it must have been me. Because I couldn't figure out what exactly I did to destroy the relationship I couldn't let it go. Eventually, time heals wounds and because I don't like to be stuck, I let it go. But it’s shallow and lies just under the surface. I have realized, it doesn't take much to bring it back to my mind.

If you have something that you're obsessing over and you want to let it go try talking to someone. It's important to get your thoughts out and hear them out loud as you're speaking them to another person. Be open to what a trusted family member or friend might tell you about the situation.  A fresh perspective can help you look at things in a different way. Try channeling your energy and focusing on a greater mission something productive, something that gets you excited about something more meaningful.

CHALLENGE: Stop the loop. Understand there may not be an answer and your obsession is preventing you from peace and joy and you deserve both. Connect with a friend and ask to share your concerns then be open to listening and embracing another point of view. The key to unlock the shackles is within your grasp - let for freedom!

 

I know YOU can do it!

 

An Exploration, Seeking New Opportunities

What happens next. You are never too old or too lost, or too happy to reinvent yourself and seek a new opportunity. You’ve heard it before, Life is Too Short.

We need to be reminded that life’s too short to spend every day doing work you hate. Life’s too short to hold grudges against people we love. Life’s too short not to see the wonders of the world. Life’s too short to not live life to the fullest.

Are you ready for something new? A new job, hobby, experience, journey, friend, spiritual awakening….or more? Maybe you feel stuck. Or bored. Or frustrated. It’s not that you don’t like the life you live, it’s just that you suspect there’s something more. Some greater sense of meaning or excitement. New connections. New adventures. New possibilities.

Where do you start?

Challenge your ideas about how things should work. Sometimes when you decide how things should be you limit your ability to be effective in the world as it actually is. I’m too old to start something new, I don’t have the time or the finances. I better stay right where I am! Open your mind and think of possibilities without limitations. What would you like to do? Where would you like to go? Who would you like to see?

Brainstorm ideas. Feverishly write down everything in your head and then some. Don’t talk yourself out of putting them down, just write. Get them out where you can see them. Maybe they cause you to laugh...that’s good. Like me wanting to be a barrel racer but being afraid of horses. What jumps out at you saying “pick me first!”?

Circle that one and then make some room. Now you will write all the steps it might take to make that happen. Don’t worry about getting them in chronological order right now. It’s just important to see them so that you understand there is a process. We can’t snap our fingers or wiggle our noses (older reference) and make something appear. But we can take a step in the right direction and seek a new opportunity.

1 year - 365 opportunities. But be careful. Days turn into weeks and weeks turn into months and before you know it another year has passed you by and you are still in the same spot. Or not. Carpe Diem - Seize the day.

CHALLENGE: To seek something new - the sky is the limit so dream big. Make a plan and even if it takes you all year to get there, you are moving toward what you want. Baby steps become bigger steps as you see the horizon of a new opportunity.

 

I know YOU can do it!

Inner Peace, Finding Joy

What’s the rush? Why are we in such a rush to live life. Now more than ever, we have everything we could ever need at our fingertips but we want more and more. We want to know why access to all the information we could ever ask on the internet doesn't come to us faster.  Our lives seem to travel at warp speeds, with our minds taking in and spewing out information faster than we can keep up with, and our bodies running ragged, trying to get up early and stay up late just to get it all done.

What’s the rush? Have you ever looked up just to realize it’s already the weekend again, or summer, or Christmas? Have you ever said these words “Friday couldn’t get here fast enough!”. Does it feel like just yesterday you were, in high school, graduating college, getting married, having kids, turning 40, or retiring?

“There is more to life than increasing its speed.” ~Mahatma Gandhi

Are we complicating life? And the big question is why? What are we gaining by keeping all these plates spinning? Do you feel more fulfilled? Happier? More connected and appreciated? My guess is no. Just as you can feel overwhelmed by the clutter in your personal space, so can you be overwhelmed by the clutter in your inner space. Time to purge and prioritize to find time and space for you to truly experience life, joy, and happiness.

So what has to go? It may be a good time to take a personal inventory of what takes up space in your mind, daily.  

Once you get a handle on what’s hijacking your brain and taking up valuable space in your day, here are ways you can turn the tables and get control over the situation.

1. Get control over your personal space.
2. Make a list.
3. Get rid of file 13.
4. Take a time-out.
5. Control your intake.
6. Release worry.
7. Refocus your energy.

Are we getting there? Are we feeling like we may have a handle on eliminating some chaos and clutter to find more space for peace? Are you already planning ow you can clear more mind so that you can start filter what you let in? Even though stillness and meditation is usually a singular act, JOY is found in connections.

Joy is relational. This means joy is generated by joy-producing relationships; when someone we care about is glad to be with us. The connection produces warm, happy feelings.

CHALLENGE: Make a date...do it tomorrow. You’ve declutterd your day to make room for space in your mind to invite in peace. Step outside of yourself and reach out to make a healthy connection and invite in joy. Harness them both for true happiness.

I know YOU can do it!

Becoming Real, Honestly YOU!

Why do we have to be sitting at a critical crossroad in our life to realize we need a change? No pain no change?  What are you searching for to make yourself happy? Friends, love, acceptance, an awakening, a hobby, stuff, more stuff, and even more stuff. When you sit alone with your thoughts...did it work? Do all those things = happiness?

Life tells us to find a steady job, a safe routine, work your way up, save for the future while at the same time you’re supposed to be creative, inventive, and successful. Be an entrepreneurial spirit, have all the latest tools and gadgets and be connected and active on the social media journaling life as you go. Do you have that down? Does that make you happy? Is that who you are?

Lisa Pool shares her findings on a recent life transformation she calls: "Sweet Bedlam - a Single Mom's Journey from Fear to Fulfillment"

“Let go and give yourself permission to be who you truly are and give this to the world in everything you do, at all costs, no exceptions. This is your journey to living an extraordinary life.

I can tell you without the slightest hesitation that the one greatest gift I have to share from my life thus far is this:

If you want to live an extraordinary life you first must know who you truly are, and to get to that place you must go find out who you truly are. It won’t happen stuck in fear, it won’t happen frozen in doubt and it certainly will not happen without a dramatic shift in your perception of what the purpose of your life is.”

Here are a few questions to ponder and work through as you start your journey to find you...Honestly YOU.

1. What do I love absolutely? Deep down, what matters to you? Write down the things that give you energy and excite me. People, places, activities, ideas
2. What do I consider my greatest accomplishments in life? This is a moment in your lift that you felt really proud, accomplished, or successful. What did it take to make that happen? List out your steps because each of them is an achieved milestone and should be celebrated.
3. What would be my purpose if I knew no one would judge me? If there was no fear, no worry of repercussions, no judgment of your choices, right to your most deeply held wishes and dreams. What would you do? Write it all out - even if it seems ridiculous and makes you giggle, it makes you, YOU.
4. If there were no limits to what I could have or could want in my life, what would that be? Before self doubt creeps in what would your life look like if NO wasn’t a possibility? List out what you would be doing, where you would be living, how successful are you, what kind of person would you be? Aligning with these inner expectations, we can work toward the life we genuinely want. Our desires are also rooted in the quiet wisdom that we really do have the power to make this a reality. You may just find out it’s not that far off from where you are right now.
5. If I had all the money in the world, what would I do? Make a list of every single thing that you would really love to see happen in your life if you had all the money in the world. After the obvious ones - Challenge yourself to think along the lines of no boundaries and fulfilling a purpose—then what would be on your list?
6. Who do I admire most? Who exudes the qualities that you admire most in a person? Think about what really inspires you in this world, and who is living their own world OUT LOUD.

 

CHALLENGE: Spend time working on you and regions of your core that typically lay dormant. Listen to yourself without judgment and resist self-doubt at every turn. Only you can activate and honor your true purpose and it starts with becoming you, honestly YOU.

 

I know YOU can do it!

 

Beating Stress, Coping Strategies

How do you handle stress? Take a moment and think about that. When something uncomfortable happens what is your go-to method for getting through it. You might have different degrees of stress with different coping mechanisms.

Daily Stressors could be:

Your work schedule

Your kids’ schedule

Financial obligations

Health problems

Where you live, what you drive

Not enough hours in the day to accomplish everything you need or want to accomplish

 

You could also have deep stressors that might take a different technique:

Long term health issues

Loss of a loved one

Divorce

Loss of a child

Childhood trauma

Relationship trauma

Starting over

No matter what your stressor is today, you own your reaction to it. You OWN your reactions. You might think about that statement and tell yourself that you aren’t in control and that outside influences are doing this to you. But the fact is, stress, trauma, death, and continued life is a fact and how you get through it will make all the difference.

The challenging situations we face in life are often the ones that offer us the greatest opportunity for personal growth. Looking honestly at your situations, experiencing the emotions they bring up, and searching within yourself for the answers can bring positive outcomes that you can draw on in times of trouble.

Here is a FREEZE FRAME exercise I like to use to channel energy in a positive direction.

1. Freeze: Recognize the stressful feeling and Freeze-Frame it! Take a time-out.

 

2. Focus: Make a sincere effort to shift your FOCUS away from your racing mind or disturbed emotions to the area around your heart. Pretend you’re breathing through your heart to help focus your energy in this area. You may place your hand on your heart if this helps. Keep your focus there for at least 10 SECONDS.

 

3. Feeling: Recall a positive enjoyable feeling or time you’ve had in your life; FEEL the feelings again in your body, not just a mental thought about it.

 

4. Ask: Using your intuition, common sense or sincerity, ASK your heart, “What would be a better way, a more efficient, desirable response to this situation, one that would minimize future stress?

 

5. Listen: Pay attention, tune in, LISTEN and reflect on what your heart says in answer to your question. (This gives you access to your own internal solutions and common sense and puts your reactive emotions and mind in check.)

Evaluate each stressor individually. When you lump them together, you can exaggerate the weight and importance of their presence in your life. Take them one by one and ask yourself some qualifying questions:

• Do I have the power to change this situation?
• Am I ultimately responsible for this situation?
• What could I have done or will do in the future to avoid this from happening again?
• Why am I allowing this to affect my day, month, or year?
• What can I do this minute to bring myself peace/joy/comfort?

 

Challenge: Remember, stress and your reaction to it,  is not an out of body experience. You are in charge and YOU will be the only one working through the steps to take control of the situation. Don’t assume busy is productive. In all things, strive for a healthy balance to beat stress!

 

I know YOU can do it!

 

Self-Centered, Centering One's Self

We’ve all heard it before,  “don’t be selfish”, that person is “self-centered. “Look at him, he’s all about himself”. It’s all about ME! Many of us have been taught the order: God first, then your children, then your spouse, then your family, so on and so on…..”

Why is it that WE continually come in dead last? And more importantly, why are we ok with that? What does it even mean to take care of yourself, and to make yourself a priority? How would you go about doing that?

Let’s start with our emotions. How do you feel? How often do you even stop and “feel”? Sure we feel rushed, or overwhelmed, sad or happy about a situation, concerned or worried for a friend. But, How do WE feel about US?

Putting yourself first can be as easy as doing a mental check-in to see how you are feeling about a situation before you act. Before you stop to consider everyone else’s feelings, consider your own.

Let’s think about a tree with all its many branches and leaves. The tree trunk is vital. It creates stability and carries and distributes all the nutrients to keep it healthy. If the trunk is comprised, everything else suffers. At this rate it may not grow to its full potential, it could bend and stoop while trying to support the weight.  Yep, you guessed it, you are the trunk. It’s important for you to have a solid foundation before you push nutrients to every branch on your tree.

How do you create this stability?

One way is by creating a healthy balance of JOY:

• Love
• Friendship
• Relaxation
• Success
• Spirituality

Love: Giving and receiving love from another human being. Family, friends, children, spouses, significant others. Having someone in your life that you are truly connected with -heart, mind, body, and spirit.

Friendship: positive and healthy interactions with other people. People who connect with you on multiple levels, who share your passions, support your goals, celebrate your successes, and comfort your losses.

Relaxation: Quiet time, plenty of sleep, a healthy diet, and consistent doses of joy. Taking time away from the pressures of life to renew your soul.

Success: Setting goals both personally and professionally and celebrating achievements. Receiving appreciation for tasks well done. Taking personal satisfaction from making an impact.

Spirituality: Find time for gratitude  - whatever your religious or non-religious practice may be. Start your day appreciating what you have and the opportunities that lay ahead.

 

Challenge: Let go of limiting beliefs that say taking care of you is selfish. Instead, spend some time learning what makes you happy, healthy, and fulfilled. Set aside time to focus on YOU, your wants needs, and desires.

 

I know YOU can do it!

When is Enough, Enough?

When do you ask for help?  When do you give over power and realize YOU can’t do it all….successfully? How many attempts do you make? How many failures do you have? Why is it so hard to admit defeat? We are going to be looking at these questions from two different angles. When have you had enough and are ready to make a change and when do you have enough and realize you still aren’t happy?

Webster says Enough is Enough is used to say that one wants something to stop because one can no longer accept or deal with it.  

You don’t have to be at rock bottom and completely depleted to recognize a need for change. You just have to know your limits. Let’s take a moment and check your limits.

Are you at your wits in because life is overwhelming and you aren’t sure who you are anymore?  Brace yourself before you hit the bottom and start saying NO. There is a gentle art to saying no and it starts with valuing your own time and resources more than you want to please others. Instead of giving your default answer to YES or adopting the mantra “I’m always here for you no matter WHAT…” start asking yourself some pre-qualifying questions. Do I really have the time? What would I be eliminating by taking on another task? Do I have everything I need to be able to give to someone else? Stop apologizing for not being able to save the world. It is not your job or your cape.

Are you tired of being tired, sad, or unhappy? Before you throw in the towel start getting to the root of the problem. Junk can come at us from all directions. It leaves its mark and its residue and before you know it, you’re buried. It’s hard to detect one issue from the next and it just feels painfully heavy. You’re stuck. Are you ready to smile? Then reach out a hand and pull yourself up. Enough is Enough - you will have to make the first move and you may have to leave old ideas and unhealthy patterns in the dust. It’s time to take responsibility, make peace, and decide today that you’ve had enough and YOU deserve better.

Are you bored and unfulfilled? Before you turn into a statue unable to move, break through your limiting beliefs and trying something you’ve never done. Life is so short and the opportunity to experience new things is endless. If you are afraid you won’t like IT or be good at IT then you are preventing yourself from learning, growing, and the possibilities of joy. Remember when you were a child, what were some of your interests? This was before life told you “no everything is possible” you believed you could do anything. Tap back into her. What would she want to do today? Pick something, private or public and go for it!

CHALLENGE: So I challenge you to give in, stop pushing in the opposite direction. Stop yourself well before the bottom and ask yourself, why. Embrace change and most importantly love, laugh, and live!

I know YOU can do it!

 

Nurturing Faithful Friendships

I used to think when somebody left my life that I must have done something wrong. I would search for an answer, obsess really on what I must have done. The reality is, usually there isn’t a clear answer. I am, as you are continually growing and evolving. As a result, needs and wants change.

You will meet people along the way that will play all types of roles in your life. Some are to lead you, support you, love you, and laugh with you and in others, it’s your turn. Every connection will have some significance even if you can’t clearly see it.

In some seasons of life, you may be surrounded by friends. Calling, writing, making plans, they seem like your whole world. In other seasons, you may struggle to find someone you trust, that you can rely on or share deeply with. It’s in those times you may have to extend yourself and do a little networking and marketing.

If you were interviewing potential friendship candidates, what would be in your list of requirements? How about “nice to haves”? What qualities do you value in a friend?

Let’s say you have a new hire, what will be your onboarding process? How much time will you take nurturing your new found friend? Friendship comes at a price. Acquaintances are free but to develop a deeper connection and possess a valued friend, you must invest time, effort, and energy.

“Uh huh, yes, oh that’s nice, you don’t say, good for you, that’s marvelous….ok bye now” Have you ever had a conversation like that? How did it make you feel? One-way conversations are selfish and should be limited to an informative text. Considering listening more than you talk - you’ll learn so many more interesting details that way.

Make a date. Actually, schedule time to be a friend. Everyone starts with good intentions but actually SHOW UP. Just show up even when you feel like you’re too busy or you should be doing a host of other things. We all treasure that friend who was always there for us.

Katie Lowenstein recently published an article in Time where she said: “Humans tend to get maximum pleasure and vitality from social bonding - and the payoffs start before you even leave the house, “the anticipation of an experience can be as valuable a source of happiness as the experience itself”

CHALLENGE: to say YES, to go beyond the 4 walls of your mind and extend yourself a little. Evaluate what you need and what you can give and then SHOW UP. Make the intentional effort to nurture and grow your friendships. The pay-off may just be your most valued asset.

 

I know YOU can do it!

Musical Feature: Bosco & Whiteford www.boscoandwhiteford.com

Care, Giving More Than You Take

Are you a People-Pleaser? Someone who goes out of their way to help other people and rarely finds the word NO?

When does your pleasing cross the line and become control and manipulation? Let’s dissect the differences between GIVING and TAKING when it comes to caring.

GIVING represents giving freely or without expectations. The intention to help someone who needs help for the moment without any preconceived notions of return on investment.

TAKING represents giving to receive something in return. The intention is to give to someone to get something like attention, validation, or to push your own agenda.

Think about the times you’ve stepped in to help without being asked. What were the situations? Why did you feel the need to help? How did it make you feel? What was the result?

It’s important to evaluate your own intentions and do a gut check on expectations. One survey I like to use is “are they capable of seeing this through on their own? Does it concern me if it doesn’t work out the way I think it should? NO? Good, get back in your own hula-hoop. It’s easy to think you are being helpful because you believe YOU have all the right answers - the reality is, you don’t. Life is a journey full of learning opportunities. Stepping in to solve everyone’s problems will not make you Teacher of the Year.

Cynthia Orange, an author who has written extensively on addiction and recovery, parenting, and post-traumatic stress disorder retitled a few phrases to give us a glimpse of a skewed perception and the need for rewiring.

"Love knows no bounds, SO it needs boundaries."What the world needs now is love, sweet love, WITH reasonable limits." "All you need is love AND balance."

She describes caretaking as an out-of-balance and ‘self-centered' behavior that reflects a person's deep need to be in control and accepted. It is perfectly acceptable to be helpful and love others but when you are seeking approval and power over the situations, you’ve gone too far.

CHALLENGE:  To value and care for yourself beyond your desire to please another person. Find joy and celebration in your own accomplishments and then listen and love and when asked, give care freely without expectations of return.

I know YOU can do it!

Musical Feature: Ronny Criss www.ronnycrissmusic.com