Encouragementology

Spring Forward, Putting Yourself Out There in a New Way

SHOW NOTES:

On this show...we’re doing more than setting the clocks back, gassing up the mower, and stocking up on cleaning products. We are springing forward, putting ourselves out there in a new way. With new life comes new ideas and inspiration. Let’s use nature's momentum to catapult us to new heights. Been intimidated to speak up, it’s time to find your voice. Procrastinating a major life change, no time like the present to shake things up. Fearful of failure, fooey, you have to be down before you can rise up. Let’s explore why now and why not now? 

For too long we’ve accepted the status quo, tabled our own dreams, discounted our desires, and waited….just waited for who knows what. That dream to either die or fall in our laps. That knock at the door where someone is standing on the other side with a big check, a long-lost brother, someone on a knee professing love, the keys to our new car, the nameplate for our corner office…..just fill in the blanks with whatever is plaguing you. 

Life happens and we get distracted. We grow up and reality sets in. Someone with bigger needs steps forward to take our place in line. We buy into the negativity and start doubting ourselves and our worthiness…..just fill in the blanks with whatever is preventing you from getting there.

Where is there? Great question. This is the biggest blank of all. What do you want to do next? 

We aren’t going to spend time with regret, blaming ourselves for not going for it or for letting our dreams die. No ruminating over that season of your life when you thought everything and anything was possible...we were all there at one point or another.

Today is a new day and tomorrow has possibilities that today doesn’t even know about. 

What do you want to do next? Step one. Step two will be about what is preventing you. And step three will be how to take action. 

Let’s go! 

Jennice Vilhauer Ph.D. helps get us there with an article she wrote for Psycologytoday.com: How to Figure Out What You Want in Life

• Don’t want: I don’t want a spouse who doesn’t appreciate me.
• Want: I want a spouse who adores me and treats me with respect.
• Don’t want: I don’t want to work at this lousy job.
• Want: I want a job that stimulates me intellectually and allows me to be creative. 

I was always selling something, a true entrepreneur. I started my first business when I was 8 or 9, selling my own toys on the side of the street. As a latch-key kid, you can imagine my Mother’s reaction to my newfound success. Everything I did, I monetized from a homemade pretzel stand to daffodils at springtime. I had my own handmade jewelry store “Exception to the rule” catchy right? I created a custom shadowbox business and even tried to launch my own line of handbags. I have three trademarks and some might say a lot of pipedreams. But for me, all my attempts created some of the best memories I have. The excitement of a clever idea mixed with the planning and creating, the launch, and the first adoption. Whether that is an actual transaction or someone just getting it. It’s a thrill. 

Today my desire is still there, just channeled in a different direction. I’m driven by people and the love I have to see them succeed. My transactions aren’t monetary but soul-nourishing, which to me, is priceless. 

Putting yourself out there in a new way might mean rethinking what’s important to you but mixing those ideas with the drivers that have always been in you from the start. 

Springing forward with a new idea may or may not include your life’s purpose or passion - but aren’t you curious? Understanding what you’re meant for and what speaks to you will help you step into something new with confidence.

At jackcanfield.com he gives us 10 Life Purpose Tips to Help You Find Your Passion.

1. Explore the Things You Love To Do & What Comes Easy to You
2. Ask Yourself What Qualities You Enjoy Expressing the Most in the World
3. Create a Life Purpose Statement
4. Follow Your Inner Guidance (What Is Your Heart Telling You?)
5. Be Clear About Your Life Purpose
6. Conduct a Passion Test
7. Think About The Times You’ve Experienced the Greatest Joy In Your Life
8. Follow This Example of Finding Purpose
9. Align Your Goals With Your Life Purpose and Passions
10. Lean Into Your True Life Purpose

How about you? What got in your way? When did you change your course and abandoned your ideas? 

So many times we throw in the towel on wants and desires if we feel like we’ve missed that window of opportunity. “Well that was when I was young…” age. “Oh, when I was single I thought I would do this or that”. Unencumbered. “If I had the money I might do this or that''. Financial excuses. 

Tracy Kennedy brings us 5 Steps to Discover Your Next - in an article she wrote for Thriveglobal.com

Step 1: Take a STEP BACK

Step 2: Take a look at YOU

Step 3: Identify WHAT COULD BE

Step 4: Open up the DOOR

Step 5: Bring it all to LIFE!

 

CHALLENGE: Use the new life of Spring to inspire you to take action. Be willing to grow in ways you’ve only dreamt of. Spend some time evaluating what’s next and then be open to putting yourself out there in a new way! 

I Know YOU Can Do It!

Editing, Finding What's Real to You

SHOW NOTES:

On this show...We are initiating our internal filter, editing our narrative, what we consume, and what we say, to find what’s real to us! Everyone wants your time and your attention, loading you down with their ideas and opinions. It can feel like a tug-o-war, swaying your perception to the point of breaking. How do you feel about who you are, what you see, and where you’re going? What would you like to do, to feel, to become? Not sure? No wonder! How could you possibly find time and space to consider your own feelings on anything? No more! It’s not your job to consume everything you hear and it’s not your responsibility to weigh in on every topic or to even have a strong opinion one way or another. We are all working our way through life trying to find balance, love, peace, and respect. To understand our purpose and to embrace our true potential. You have the power to edit and today we start to assert that ability for our own good! 

How people gather knowledge has definitely changed through the centuries. My crude way of following that timeline might look like this: early man had to experience things first hand to learn what is good and what is bad. He has scars from running with scissors, singed flanges from touching fire, broken bones from learning about depth perception and his own mortality, and so on. He then began passing these lessons down to the next generation. I’m sure just like the telephone game, the message became a bit muddy and so through the ages, we’ve repeated the same trials only to come up with the same conclusion. 

Over time, lessons that were not experienced firsthand began to circulate mixed with personal opinion and focused agenda started to surface. “If you don’t watch it your face will freeze like that”.  “That beer will put hair on your chest” - maybe that was just my Father but you get the point. 

Things that we heard growing up still stick. Some might call them limiting beliefs. A way of thinking that was given to you that has yet to be tested. This could be personal to you like: “you’re not smart enough”, “you’re too lazy to be taken seriously”. Or they could be about the world around you, influencing your view of people, places, or even feelings. 

At some point, it can feel like your thoughts and ideas are not even yours at all but instead absorbed through family, friends, coworkers, media, and public opinion. 

Remez Sasson gives us his thoughts: Are You the Creator of Your Thoughts? An article from his blog Success Consciousness.

• You can do so by starting to pay closer attention to your thoughts and ask yourself whether they are helpful or not and whether you need them.
• You can do so by practicing concentration exercises and meditation.
• You can do so by adopting an attitude of detachment toward your thoughts.
• You can do so by striving not to take what people say personally.
• Try to think with common sense and without bias.
• Do not take anything for granted or accept what you hear, see or read without some independent thinking.

Marketing is a science for a reason. It isn’t just about cute, thought-provoking pictures and clever messaging. There is a science that takes into consideration how you learn, what will resonate with you, and what will cause you to take action. “Call to action”. Every marketer knows the piece falls flat without a clear call to action. What next. If it’s just information that doesn’t invoke a response, then it’s worthless. 

Most of the time we are unaware of the effect marketing has on us and other times we are mildly aware...man that burger looks so good, ugh now I’m hungry!

Let’s dig into this idea with  14 Psychological Marketing Tips for Customer Mind Control - an article by Cydney Hatch

1. The People Mirrors 
2. The Jingle Jam
3. The Psychology of Color
4. The FOMO Feeling
5. The Subtle Design
6. The Sale Mindset
7. The Consistency Comfort
8. The Need of Images
9. The Serial Exposure
10. The Power of Choice
11. The Emotion Message
12. The Created Community
13. The Give and Get
14. The Power of Three

How many times a day do you have a thought and then spend time wondering about the answer. Reasoning based on piecing together the information you have gathered. Problem-solving and investigating using your mind. You don’t. You pick up a device and “google it”. It’s like throwing the ball and having the dog bring it back. Google - “fetch!” And an answer is served up

Allie Volpe helps us with some strategy in How to Stay Sane When the World Seems Crazy - an article she wrote for the NY Times.

• Why we catastrophize
• Accept uncertainty
• Stick to the facts
• Avoid all-or-nothing thinking
• Take care of yourself
• Get involved

...and reach out. Forming real relationships and conversations is a great way to live in the moment, bounce ideas off another person. Share, learn, and grow. 

 

CHALLENGE: Don’t sit idle letting unfiltered information, ideas, and opinions consume you. Edit thoughtfully, searching out the facts and allowing what is real to take root. Your thoughts and what you express matter. Reach out and talk it out.

 

I Know YOU Can Do It!

Finding Gratitude When You Don't Feel Grateful

SHOW NOTES:

On this show...we may have to dig deep, we may have to open our eyes to a new perspective, and we may have to reserve judgment until we’ve completed our exploration because we are finding gratitude even when we don’t feel grateful. Let’s be honest, I’m not thrilled every second of the day. Over the last year, season, month, and day I’ve been disappointed let down, and frustrated feeling anything but thankful. When you are sinking in the bog of displeasure it’s difficult to count your lucky stars! Don’t you question the whole gratitude practice at least from time to time? Well, friend, you’re not alone. Don’t beat yourself up - instead, we are going to rise above this disillusionment and bring the bigger picture into focus because YES, right out of the gate, there are thankful elements to even the most distressing.

So to get us started I looked up the definition for gratitude and grateful: the quality of being thankful; readiness to show appreciation for and to return kindness. feeling or showing an appreciation of kindness; thankful.

Now that’s more like it. Showing appreciation and kindness. Shouldn’t that be part of our everyday practice? I’m not sure if it’s just me but the whole “gratitude movement” has made finding gratitude seem like a huge event that you have to experience before you can start your day on the right foot. If you can’t get there emotionally then your entire day shall be doomed! Push out all the negative feelings and only embrace the positive ones. Don’t you dare get out of that bed until you purge your bad and find 5 reasons to smile today. 

Now don’t get me wrong, all of these are good things. I love taking negative thoughts and reframing them to find the good. But with anything, a slight twist of perception and the good intent can be thrown completely off. You will have bad thoughts. You will roll your eyes, grumble, and possibly growl. You stub your foot and you might more than likely scream and potentially curse. When you are asked to stay late or give up a fun weekend you will feel salty. You are human! 

Finding gratitude doesn’t mean you can’t be human. With everything, we strive for we should be striving for balance. Counterbalance your negative with a healthy dose of positive. Before your low mood takes you down find a positive to give you a hand up. 

So YES we should be looking for things in our lives to be thankful for. We should embody this feeling of appreciation and show kindness to others. Help them find their gratitude. But that won’t stop yucky things from happening and the feeling of getting the short end of the stick from time to time. 

Mitch Horowitz shares The benefits — and limits — of today’s gratitude movement in an article for the Washington Post

 

Dr. Summer Allen tells us  Why Is Gratitude So Hard for Some People? In an article she wrote for Greater Good Magazine

1. Your grateful genes
2. Your grateful (or less grateful) brain
3. Personality pitfalls

I do an exercise with the women in rehab that includes journaling and visualization. It is to write down 1-3 events that have happened in your life that bring you joy. This could be something you’re particularly proud of, something you love, something that created excitement, or just a warm and fuzzy feeling. Now, for each event, add as many details as you can remember. From what the day was like, to how you felt, even as granular as your face hurt from smiling or you hugged so hard you couldn't let go. The more details the easier it is to transport yourself back to this moment and relive that joyous feeling. That feeling will deliver a healthy dose of happy chemicals into your brain. 

When you are in a dark place, feeling low, or angry, and frustrated, it’s hard to conjure up these feelings and much easier to grab a drink or a substance to quickly do the trick. 

Instead, refer back to your journal, pick out one of these events, and transport yourself to a happier place and time. Help yourself naturally feel better. 

Sarah Steckler tells us  Why she no longer focuses on gratitude lists or being more "positive" in her blog mindfulproductivity.

Here are some major myths and assumptions we make all the time:

Myth #1: If you have something good, you can’t have something bad

Just because you have things to be grateful for doesn't mean you can't have things that feel off, upsetting, uncomfortable, or not aligned with what you truly want. 

Myth #2: If you have something that someone else doesn’t, you should never complain

Myth #3: The best way to feel better is to focus on the positive

While there are solid and scientifically founded ways of creating neural pathways in your brain that habitually lean toward the positive, the only way out of things is through them

Myth #4: If you’re not happy, something is wrong with you

There’s such a big push for happiness these days. Endless books on how to be happier, how to be a certain % happier, how to be happier in different locations. And while I won’t discredit the merit within those books and that many of those things do in fact help and improve life, it can start to make you feel like there’s something wrong with you if you’re not happy.

Tomorrow when you wake up, take a moment and feel your emotions instead of being quick to dismiss them as you wake up your gratitude muscle. Look for ways to appreciate yourself as you focus on sharing kindness with others. These acts will lead a way to feeling grateful.

CHALLENGE: Feeling grateful and less than grateful are both human emotions so give yourself a break. Take action to understand your feelings while exercising your gratitude muscle. Making it a daily practice takes time and should be at your own pace instead of handed to you. No cliches here but YOU GOT THIS!

 

I Know YOU Can Do It!

Purging Toxic Feelings, Forgiving and Letting Go

SHOW NOTES:

On this show….we are letting it go, releasing the bad, and purging our toxic feelings. These feelings might be right at the surface bubbling up on a daily basis or they could be buried deep, accumulating throughout our lifetime - either way, they got to go! No more will we let negativity take root and affect our day-to-day causing us to doubt ourselves and the people we encounter. No more will we be burdened by regret blaming ourselves for past, present, or future. Today we are taking ownership of the next step in our lives and choosing to follow a new path. A new path of understanding and awareness and a new path to power. The power to forgive and let go, unshackling us to become something new.

So let’s be real, do you need a reminder to purge toxic feelings? Do I need to dedicate a show and initiate and explore forgiving and letting go? The fire is hot, it burns your finger, you pull your hand back. Should this be a natural response to all things which are bad for us? Oh boy, that does make perfect sense but for whatever reason, it’s not that easy. I don’t know that we intentionally seek out the bad, rolling around in the stink like a precocious puppy. But nevertheless, it’s all around us and hard to dodge on a daily basis. Sometimes it feels as if we are on our backs floating aimlessly in a sea of negativity. Rising with the swells and being sucked under by the current coming up barely able to get our breath. 

Do we really have a choice? Or is it easier to adopt the mantra “If you can’t beat 'em, join 'em”? Let’s look at the pros and cons from every angle. It isn’t just a matter of letting in negativity, listening, and even repeating. What happens when negativity takes root? How does it change us and our lives? Can a sunny disposition solve your problems or could it prevent you from being present and walking through the hard times?

What if we said no, deal with what we were already carrying around, let go freeing ourselves, and moved on. Then what? 

Elizabeth Scott, MS, is the author of "8 Keys to Stress Management." She shares the effects toxic feelings can have on us in an article she wrote for verywellmind.com: How Negative Emotions Affect Us

Managing Negative Emotions

Negative Emotions vs. Positive Emotions

Even Positive Emotions Have Downsides

A technique, outlined in research by Ceri Sims, has the acronym TEARS of HOPE. Here's what this entails….just to get you started:

Tears

T - Teach and learn: This means to embrace self-awareness and increase personal knowledge of your body and mind, and how they are responding to stress and other emotional states. This allows you to understand when you are upset and why, and be better able to interpret the signals your body is sending.

E - Express and enable sensory and embodied experiences: This one sounds a little more complicated but it simply involves encouraging openness and curiosity within yourself to increase your acceptance of what comes….listen to the show for the rest!

It really is all about balance. I used to be so black and white, hot or cold, yes or no.  But now I see the gradient and strive to live in its balance. But could someone really be too positive? Too happy? That seems like something only a pessimist would say but when you step back and look at the bigger picture, it’s really unrealistic for even the most optimistic person not to have a bad day.

How you pull yourself out of the dumps and over the humps can make all the difference in the world.

Samara Quintero, LMFT, CHT, and Jamie Long, PsyD give us their insight in an article for thepyscologygroup.com: Toxic Positivity: The Dark Side of Positive Vibes

While there is certainly something to be said for having a sunny disposition on life, it’s also possible to overdose on the sickeningly sweet nectar of platitudes such as “everything is awesome!”

They explore:

Shame

Suppressed emotions

Isolation

Relational problems

I spoke with someone the other day who was going through some tough trials on their journey. As you know I’m a visual thinker and speaker so I shared some visualization that helps me. Sometimes in life, you are overwhelmed with the pressures all around you - I liken it to being in the jungle hacking your way through with a machete. Imagine a dense jungle where you can’t see anything in front of you but what presents itself to be directly in your way. HACK HACK HACK. Now, imagine you can crawl up to a higher vantage point. Look down at your life with the perspective of an aerial view over a mouse maze. You can see where you’ve come from, where you are going, and any pitfalls in your way. You can also see the sheer size and scope of what you’re dealing with. Wouldn’t this type of perspective be invaluable? 

To help you gain this vantage point I like to think of my heart and soul as being unmeasured by this world. Inherent to me it is what makes me unique and distinct. My heart and soul will not be undone but will live above the trials of this world forever. My body is my flesh and it is susceptible to the pain of my journey. It must endure my trials and power through but it can be broken and will eventually be no more. This is the difference between the mouse maze and the machete. 

Psychologist Nick Wignall shares How to Change Negative Thinking Patterns for Good - A Beginner’s Guide to Cognitive Restructuring - in an article he wrote for medium.com

STEP 1: Hit the pause button.

STEP 2: Identify the trigger.

STEP 3: Notice your automatic thoughts.

STEP 4: Identify your emotional reaction and note how intense it is.

STEP 5: Generate alternative thoughts.

STEP 6: Re-rate the intensity of your emotional response.

CHALLENGE: As you strive to hit your balance in the gradient take an intentional approach to our day and become the gardener of your mind. You decide what is planted, what takes root, and what you harvest to share with others. Prune back or pull the invasive to make room for your goodness to bloom.

 

I Know YOU Can Do It!

What You Seek You Shall Find

SHOW NOTES:

On this show...we are looking for the good. Intentionally trying to find the positive in everything we do because what you seek, you shall find. Where you put the majority of your attention will yield the biggest returns. Could it be that easy?  Positive or negative, you can control the yield.  So take a moment to think about your day, week, or month. What are you pursuing? Where is your focus? Are you being intentional, seeking the good, and inviting in the positive, or just getting lost in the chaos.  Collectively, we can either drown in the negatively spewing our own buckets of hate OR we can rise above and intentionally pursue the good. The good in ourselves, in the people we encounter, and in our daily interactions with the world. 

Do you know the only way to get rid of darkness is to add light? Darkness is the absence of light so to change it any other way, simply doesn’t work. Sometimes we can get so focused on the darkness in our lives, bumping around hitting wall after wall. Blaming and shaming, pursuing things we can not change. We focus on what went wrong with our lives as a justification to stay stuck where we are, chastising ourselves for poor choices and lack of knowledge. Dark. 

So much of what we obsess about is out of our control but we can’t seem to accept that or forgive ourselves. Forgiving ourselves would mean granting ourselves freedom to move on and step into the light but then what? What would happen with all that stuff? The stuff we feel responsible for, burdened by, even plagued. Shouldn’t we carry this around as evidence that we’re no good? 

 

Dani DiPirro shares how to light up your life: 5 ways to make your path brighter. She is an author, blogger, and designer living in Washington, DC. Dani launched PositivelyPresent.com in 2009 with the intention of sharing her insights about living a positive and present life (something that didn’t always come easy to her!).

Here are her thoughts...This morning I was walking down the same path I had walked down the night before and it suddenly dawned on me how different my thoughts were in the daylight. Last night, I'd been walking down the brick path late at night and I'd been slightly scared, walking fast, clutching my keys, and occasionally looking over my shoulder. But when I ventured down the same path this morning, I was walking leisurely, strolling along and not once considering looking behind me. It dawned on me that that's the difference between night and day, between darkness and light. 

The 5 Best Ways to Shed Light on Your Path

1. Bring your own source of light.
2. Choose your route carefully.
3. Imagine the best possible scenario.
4. Be prepared for the dark spots. 
5. Life is filled with light and dark

Don’t you love when you hear golden nuggets of inspiration that take root in and you're able to apply them throughout your life in so many ways? Well, that happened to me several weeks ago and I had to share. 

I was listening to a horse trainer give his story and in it came an important revelation. He was talking about working with a new horse. Now, this wouldn’t be a typical trail horse but a horse that works a ranch. One required to be a part of the team and perform critical duties for his rider. So synergy and trust would be crucial here. The trainer talked about two ways you can get to that point. You could pull back, kick, spur, and shout, over correcting his every move until he does what you want. Or, you could be patient, ride it out until he does something just right, and then celebrate this achievement, praising him, and asking for more just like that. 

Now, with these types of nuggets, I like to climb up high for a bigger perspective and look out to see how this affects other areas of my life. Be patient, ride it out, and celebrate the good asking for more of the same. 

So many times we stay perched on the negative waiting for the other shoe to drop. We listen to negative banter, sensational headlines, and tragedy after tragedy and our perception is everything is falling apart so why bother. We are back in the darkness. But looking for the good, waiting out the storm instead of being overtaken by it, and celebrating the things going right adds in the light. A slight shift of perspective can open up a whole new world. 

Now we all know this to be fact, you can’t turn on the news without hearing the bad and feeling worse. It’s a commonly accepted practice today. But besides the immediate shift in your overall well-being, could there be long-term effects to this kind of focus?

Elena Molokotos shares her insight in an article reviewed by the Scientific Advisory Board: The Effects of Media on Memory posted on psychcentral.com.

Our access and exposure to media dramatically increased over the last decade, specifically in terms of quantity and available modalities with widespread implications for different aspects of human life. Media engagement impacts how we form relationships with strangers to how we experience life as a whole. One such impact, perhaps less commonly discussed, is the media’s effect on human memory and how this affects the way we recall history.

Catch the show for all the details on these findings…

What if we concentrated on only sharing the good? Now, don’t get me wrong, everyone needs an accountability partner or a safe and trusting inner circle i.e. support group or close friends so for this experiment I’m referring to what we speak to the world.  What if your water cooler story was about something funny or heartwarming? What if your social posts were uplifting and encouraging? What if you chose to turn the other cheek and not engage with something that rubbed you the wrong way? 

Well Dr. Holly Parker, a lecturer at Harvard University and a psychologist in private practice gives a new perspective on sharing an article for psychologytoday: The Art and Science of Celebrating the Good Times

When it comes to the jolly stuff of life, we humans love talking about it, even if it’s with just one other person. On anywhere from 60-80 percent of our days, we mention a positive moment to someone else. Just think about a time when something really cool happened, you got wonderful news, or you simply experienced a pleasant point in your day.

Capitalization allows us to relish the feelings that arise from a wonderful, significant turn of events or simply an amusing moment.

1. Start small.
2. Give what you'd want to get. 
3. Take an active-constructive approach. 

I love sharing the good and for me, with anything, I need to make time to be intentional. I need structure in my day to work on all the things I want and need to do. From exploring and reading, to learning new things, and connecting with others. Life can get away from you and before you know it, instead of paddling against the current you are simply floating along picking up all the debris as you go. Everyone wants your attention and not necessarily to influence you with positive things that will help your growth. Start to take notice of your day and where your attention lies. Break up your day because some of us tend to be more conscious in the morning where others are more alert at night. 

 

CHALLENGE: if needed, shift your focus from ruminating about the past, being frustrated by things outside of your control, or partaking in the negative narratives of the world. Instead open yourself to receive the light of goodness, gratitude, and joy knowing what you seek you shall find.

 

I Know YOU Can Do It!

Always Giving 100%, Never Settling for Less

SHOW NOTES:

On this show….we are giving it all, 100%, our best, every time, always! Sounds ambitious huh - but I’m going to let you in a little secret early on to set the tone for the show. All you can give is what you have and nothing more. Now if you let that sink in a while….or let’s say over the course of this show, you will see that is enough, and the knowledge of this fact is the ultimate freedom. Now I know some of you overachievers out there are thinking what happened to the 10%, you know the 10% more - giving 110%. Well, let me clear that up for you. There is no 10%. ALL of it is exactly that, ALL - everything, and nothing more. I appreciate your tenacity and never want you to lose the drive but let’s just concentrate on the totality of this concept.

I really don’t mean to make light of the fact that giving 100% every time to everything you do seems exhausting and actually unrealistic. Even someone as motivated and enthusiastic as I am can see that seems far-fetched. If you are thinking the same thing then you have a couple of choices. Some of us see things through and all or nothing lens. Hot or cold, on or off, black or white. With this kind of approach, it’s easy to think of this concept and immediately be ready to through in the towel the minute something happens. “Welp I blew it today so nevermind, I’ll try again tomorrow - I give up”. If this sounds like you then you can see where getting to the point of 100% consistency in your efforts, may seem like a mirage. 

Before you hit that point, let me let you off the hook and share a revelation I found through a book by Don Miguel Ruiz - you might have heard me mention him a time or two. He wrote a book called The Four Agreements which has really shaped some new thinking for me. 

The Four Agreements are:

Be Impeccable With Your Word.

Don't Take Anything Personally.

Don't Make Assumptions.

Always Do Your Best.

One of the agreements is: Always Do Your Best. I want to share this new perception with you and then we will dig into some of the details on this concept. 

Under any circumstance, always do your best, no more and no less. But keep in mind that your best is never going to be the same from one moment to the next. Everything is alive and changing all the time, so your best will sometimes be high quality, and other times it will not be as good. When you wake up refreshed and energized in the morning, your best will be better than when you are tired at night. Your best will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick; it will depend on whether you are feeling wonderful and happy, or angry and upset.

BAM! There you go - all you are responsible for is your best. Nothing more. On the days you are struggling and only have 20% in the tank, give it all because 100% of 20% is  - you got it, 20%. 

No longer do you have to throw in the towel on your less-than-stellar days. You still have an opportunity to give 100% and feel the satisfaction of doing your best. 

For so long we’ve been focused on the glass have empty or half full. How do you see it are you an optimist or a pessimist. At this point, you’re almost afraid to answer. But no matter how much is in the glass all you have to do is pour it out. ALL of it, give it all because that’s what you have to give today and that’s enough.

You might wrestle with this newfound enlightenment, maybe even push back thinking how I can do my best when I can’t be the best. Maybe 100% of the 20 you have to give is not enough. You need to be perfect, all or nothing.  

Dr. Ilene Strauss Cohen helps us understand this challenge in an article she wrote for psycologytoday.com: How to Let Go of the Need to Be Perfect

Change your mindset.

Build self-reliance.

Learn to let go.

Make your own decisions.

Remember, you can’t hate your way into accepting yourself.

Make peace with the “now” before you feel satisfied with the “later.” 

….oh if it were just that easy but listen to the show, we go into a lot of detail!

That’s just it, being committed to doing your best is no guarantee you’ll win or come out on top every time. Everyone wants to win and succeed but that’s not the point here. The point is you have the freedom to give what you have to give and the opportunity to commit to yourself to do it every time in every situation. 

Remy Blumenfeld shares his ideas on Why "Doing Your Best" Is A Better Bet than "Being The Best" in an article he wrote for forbes.com

Do you Accept Your Own Ambition?

Are you choosing what you want to be driven towards?

Do you compete with others all the time or only when it serves you?

Have you got enough ambitious people around you?

Are you willing to take risks?

With this idea safely in our tool belt let’s explore another eye-opener that might help you effectively use the 20% or 80% you do have to give and that’s the 80/20 rule. 

Thaisa Fernandes shows us How You Can Apply the 80/20 Rule in Your Life and Work in an article she wrote for medium.com

The Pareto principle or 80/20 rule is the universal truth about the imbalance of inputs and outputs. The main point is to find the small things that give you the biggest results. 

Here are some 80/20 Rule Examples:

80% of problems originate from 20% of projects.

60% of your distractions come from 40% of sources.

70% of customers only use 30% of software features.

90% of complaints are made by 10% of users.

80% of value is achieved with the first 20% of effort.

85% of the important conversations are from 15% of the emails.

• Identify your key tasks based on your goals.
• Clarify and unblock.
• Use the 80/20 framework. 
• Work smarter.

With these ideas and your newfound freedom, how could you ever settle for less? Settling means accepting and accepting means giving up. I don’t know about you but that’s not in my vocabulary. I understand that I am always learning and growing and to give up on where I am right at this moment is to not have hope for the future. Hope is not a wish for better days ahead it’s a feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen. 

CHALLENGE: today, no matter what you have available, give it all. Doing your best meets you where you are and asks for only what you have to give. Evaluate where you’re depleted and leverage what offers you the best returns. 

 

I Know YOU Can Do It!

Putting Down the Gave, Living Without Judgement

SHOW NOTES:

On this show...we are giving ourselves a break! Not what usually comes to mind when you hear the word “judgment” but enough already. Why so harsh?? Don’t you deserve the benefit of the doubt, a second chance, maybe a third or fourth - FREEDOM for goodness sake? If you are tuning in because this show might have some political mudslinging or sensitive and controversial topics to weigh in on then sorry to disappoint, Encouragementology covers positive alternatives to life’s LITTLE challenges in a lighthearted and all-inclusive kind of way.  Stay with me, I promise to give you a new perspective or at least some encouragement to get over the hump. 

So when did you become your harshest critic? You might not even realize that you are just that, harsh or your own critic. Things we feel or say about ourselves in the privacy of our own minds are just that,  private and no one knows but unless we wear these judgments we’ve given ourselves. We walk into a room with them, we introduce them to potential friends or business associates, we expose them through our words and our actions. 

Sometimes I feel like two different people with distinct personalities and purposes. Each with their own set of strengths and weaknesses. I like elements of them both and at times wish they could merge and be on the same page. Before you reach out for professional help for me, let me explain. Professionally I’m strong, assertive, confident, direct, and sometimes even stubborn. Probably really stubborn but I’m intentionally giving myself a break here. People who met me professionally would echo these traits even calling me persistent, tenacious, strategic, and futuristic in my thinking. Personally, however, I don’t always feel these strengths. Oh, I can talk for sure, I am direct and I do have plenty of opinions. But I’m not as confident in what I’m saying or doing. There are times when I need validation and as much as that’s hard to admit, it’s true. I seek approval and without it, I am left wanting and a little lost. This is partly because I’m a classic people pleaser which is not a simple thing to correct. My knee-jerk will always be to please and seek approval. Since I’m now fully aware of this behavior I can sometimes correct it on my own. Progress. Also, Matt is very understanding and gently helps me see reality when I’m spinning. 

I used to judge this aspect of myself pretty harshly, making light of it. Through this journey and this walk, I’m learning it’s ok to not have everything figured out, not to be perfect in all areas of your life, and to let people see your vulnerable side when you need understanding. 

Hanna Brooks Olsen kicks off our exploration with The Spotlight Effect: Why You’re Your Own Worst Critic in an article she wrote for creativelive.com

“You will become way less concerned with what other people think of you when you realize how seldom they do,” wrote David Foster Wallace in his 1996 tome, Infinite Jest. Three years later, a pair of psychologists would give that same sentiment a name: the spotlight effect.

A big part, then, of shame resilience – and of getting out of our own way, creatively – is the understanding that everyone is suffering from the same spotlight effect, and that everyone needs to be treated kindly – ourselves included.

Oh if we could just believe that every time. But our first reaction or maybe it’s just me (doubt it) is to say “oh know, what did I do now”. Immediately I put myself at fault no matter what it is. I start searching my mind and replaying scenarios believing I can piece together what the other person must be thinking about me. 

Have you ever hear of Don Miguel Ruiz and his Four Agreements? 

The Four Agreements are:

• Be Impeccable With Your Word.
• Don't Take Anything Personally.
• Don't Make Assumptions.
• Always Do Your Best.

But the one I want to highlight here is, don’t take anything personally.

Whatever happens around you, don’t take it personally. Nothing other people do is because of you. It is because of themselves. All people live in their own dream, in their own minds; they are in a completely different world from the one we live in. When we take something personally, we make the assumption that they know what is in our world, and we try to impose our world on their world.

Of course, even if they aren’t talking about you, you’re doing enough talking about yourself for the both of you. Remember those private, judgmental conversations you have with yourself when you think no one is listening? Still harmful!

Laconciergepyschologist.com gives us 10 Ways to Stop Being Your Worst Critic

1. Be Your Own BFF
2. Journaling
3. Identify What We Can and Cannot Control
4. Mindfulness
5. Practice Breathing Exercises
6. Distinguish Self-Compassion from Complacency
7. Create a Self-Compassion Mantra
8. Express Gratitude
9. Challenge the Negativity
10. Schedule in Regular Self-Compassion Breaks

MANAL GHOSAIN shares How to Let Go of Judging Yourself from onewithnow.com

How can we let go of self-judgment?

This is by no means a definitive guide. It’s a simple 3-step process that I hope you can work with on a regular basis to gradually let go of judgment.

1- Notice

2- Allow

3- Actively choose to let go

Judgment is not based on logic, but on emotional and conditioned reactivity that does not care one iota about rationality or perspective. To let go is to give yourself permission to feel and be okay with yourself as you are, without the complications of the intellect or the demands of action.

When we gradually let go of self-judgment, we’ll ease on our judgment of others. Over time, we will dissolve a lot of the emotional habits and beliefs that have weighed us down for so long, almost effortlessly. Letting go of judging ourselves is one of the hardest things to do. But it’s truly a liberating and life-transforming act.

CHALLENGE: put down the gavel and give yourself a break. Break the cycle of shame, guilt, and judgment. Spend precious time with yourself thinking, wondering, and listening. Stifle the critic, say no to self-judgment, and allow your goodness to shine through.

 

I Know YOU Can Do It!

Lifelong Learning, Revelations and Enlightenment

SHOW NOTES: 

On this show...we are celebrating a lifelong love of learning. Ok, maybe you’re not ready for a celebration just yet I mean life lessons can seem cruel but we are going to spend some time walking through the process stopping to appreciate the little gifts - revelations and enlightenment. Can we all laugh at the fact you can be told something a thousand times in different ways but until you come to a level of understanding on your own, you just won’t buy it. Some may say hard-headed but that’s the beauty of life and all it has to teach us. Not all lessons are painful and with a natural curiosity, this pursuit for knowledge about yourself and the world around you can be the fun part of the journey.

If you would have used words like “lifelong learning” too little Kendall she would have thought you were crazy. What do you mean learning for a lifetime? Are you ever done? Won’t I ever be smart enough? What’s the point?

As with many things, we’ve been conditioned to look for the destination to completion of the race, to file the paperwork, etc. To grasp this concept that you are never quite complete is a hard pill to swallow. Unless you look at it as a gift. I am never complete, I get to keep trying again and again. The more I learn the more I grow, the more I grow the more I learn. How wonderful. I’m on a lifelong journey pursuing knowledge and wisdom through experiences and my connections. Isn’t that a better way to view the glass?

Why You Should Never Stop Learning from heragenda.com

Broadening horizons

Keeping your mind sharp

Giving back

Confidence boost

Find something new

Throughout your journey, you will wear different hats and play different roles in regard to your education. Sometimes you’ll be the teacher, sometimes the student, other times the curriculum designer, and maybe even the proctor of your own life challenges.

What have you learned that was an ah-ha moment for you? Have you heard yourself echoing the same things your parents tried so hard to drill into your head earlier rather than later? 

Sometimes it’s the most basic of concepts. Have you heard of the book: All I really need to know I learned in Kindergarten by Robert Fulghum? Be prepared for mind-blown and the revelation that you may have not been paying attention to.

• Share everything.
• Play fair.
• Don't hit people.
• Put things back where you found them.
• Clean up your own mess.
• Don't take things that aren't yours.
• Say you're sorry when you hurt somebody.
• Wash your hands before you eat.
• Warm cookies and cold milk are good for you.
• Live a balanced life - learn some and think some and draw and paint and sing and dance and play and work every day some.
• Take a nap every afternoon.

This whole concept reminds me that the many hours I spent watching some incredibly ridiculous reality tv was a huge waste of time and mind space. The fodder that I allowed to be filtered through my precious mind is almost criminal. I’m now at that precious place in my life where I want more and more and more. More ideas, perspectives, concepts, experiences...ALL of it, and more of it. I’ve been obsessed with reading about exploration and significant historical events. No longer am I interested in purely entertainment - I want to learn!

I found a delightful article full of learning from Quincy Seale; 8 Life Lessons From Benjamin Franklin

1. Winners Wake Up Early
2. Clear Your Head
3. Make A Plan
4. Never Stop Learning
5. Routine is a Good Thing
6. Take It Easy
7. Make Time For Family, Friends, and Fun
8. Take Time to Reflect

There is so much to be learned along the way. Everyone wants to blaze their own trail but why not pick up some tools from the ones that went before you. Imagine the enlightenment that Benjamin Franklin had and was able to pass down through all of his work. What are you learning that you can pass on? 

Linda Darby shares some of life’s truths with us on, Have the Talk of a Lifetime. Talkofalifetime.com

Here are just a few…

Attitude

Don’t let your age define you – It’s just a number, right? How many times have you met someone and been shocked when you learn how old they are?

Relationships

Relationships first – Ultimately, our relationships with our family and friends are among the only things that matter. Make time to talk to them. Nurture and protect these relationships every single day. Who haven’t you talked to in a while?

Things vs Experiences

Experience life – Traveling and trying new things are incredibly satisfying, especially compared to material stuff. Seize every opportunity you can, and invite your family and friends to join you! Keep a journal as you go. It will help you share the memories when you get home.

I love that I’m still learning. How defeating would it be if this was it? My goal is to reprioritize my world to include space to intentionally learn. I’m more aware than ever of what I allow in my mind and how I use the information. For me, connections and making time to encourage others are important. Life-balance is critical for my well being so I’m constantly striving to give enough yet have enough.

11 Life Lessons from Maya Angelou on Christine Mann’s blog, youneverstoplearning.com

Here are just a few…

I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.'

'I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life.'

'I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw some things back....'

 

CHALLENGE: Increase your curiosity and pursue more. More knowledge, more experiences, more connections, and more joy. Celebrate the revelations and the enlightenment of finally connecting the dots. Take that learning and share it with others as you grow.

 

I Know YOU Can Do It!

Owning Your Journey, Walk the Walk

SHOW NOTES: (from the podcast Encouragementology)

On this show...we’re owning it; the good, bad, and yes the ugly! After all, it’s your journey. Sure some played a role, maybe even a vital role, but in the end, the choices you made and the direction you took were all you. Even if you chose to follow instead of lead, your choice. You might think this show is going to be full of tired old journey cliches like; it’s “Focus on the journey, not the destination. Joy is found not in finishing an activity but in doing it.” or “Sometimes it's the journey that teaches you a lot about your destination.” and even still; “Peace is a journey of a thousand miles and it must be taken one step at a time.” and a million more. As nauseating as they can be at times, they are right. You’re on it my friend, whether you embrace the challenges, celebrate the successes, or just go along for the ride. You set out on your journey the day you were born and well….we all know how it ends but what you do in the meantime can give you a lifetime of love, learning, and joy. 

I think responsibility is an important attribute to have in life. Personally and professionally. It’s wonderful to have responsibility for things, people, and concepts but also to demonstrate responsibility in your actions and throughs. Owning your responsibility for choices and actions means confessing the reality of the situation to yourself and even to others. I see claiming it as the actional profession and owning it is making space for the learning in your character makeup. “I did it, it’s mine, and here is how it’s impacted my life and changed my behavior”. 

Accepting responsibility doesn’t include, “yeah but…” Yeah but can be that little degree of justification that can temporarily relieve you of the guilt, shame, but also the most important part, the learning.  “Well I did it, yeah but he also did it too or she told me it was ok or they wronged me and I had no choice.” 

All of that may have influenced your choice but that’s not the exercise here. Owning your responsibility is. 

Steve Rose, PhD, is an addiction counselor who gives us his insight on Why Responsibility is so Important in our life.  On his website, stevenrosephd.com

I’ve been challenged with these questions in my own practice - what if the trauma you suffered was out of your control - how are you supposed to take responsibility? 

Steven says, if you’ve experienced trauma leading to mental health issues, you are not responsible for the problem, but you are responsible for being part of the solution.

The same goes for a heredity illness. You are not responsible for the problem, but you are responsible for being part of the solution. Falling into a victim mindset only serves to strengthen the problem.

So why is responsibility important?

Responsibility is important because it provides a sense of purpose, in addition to building resilience amidst adversity on an individual and societal level.

Like an addiction, sidestepping responsibility may feel good in the short-term, but leads to exponentially worse pain and suffering in the long term.

See, your journey involves more than just choosing a path, forging forward tripping over flora and fauna, nursing your wounds, and praying for the end to come. You have a responsibility to yourself, to your family, and to all beings. When your parents nurtured you and encouraged you to walk celebrating your curiosity for life their wish was for you to be a kind and responsible human being. Between the lines was the thought that would contribute in some great way not that you would simply avoid conflict and make it unscathed. 

So no matter where you currently are on your journey, no matter how prepared or ill-prepared you’ve been, no matter how lost and off-track your course may seem, you can turn it around. You can own your journey starting today. 

Jill Huettich gives us The Road Map to You: Find the Best Version of Yourself in an article she wrote for wealthfit.  I love her ideas on the importance of finding yourself and using that as a guild on your journey.

Look Back to Move Forward

Reflect

View Your Past with Compassion

Act "As If"

Discover Your Life Purpose

Uncover Your Motivation

Visualize Your Future

Determine Your “Golden Rules”

Your Reputation Is a Great Place to Start

Get Started Today

What a great vantage point and fabulous insight. All these tools, even the ones you can’t seem to fit into your tool belt today are valuable. Let them take root in your subconscious so that when you need them, they’re easy to recall. So once you’ve taken responsibility, really owned your role in where you are today, viewed your path from a different vantage point, uncovered the true you - it’s time to forge forward. I mean really, part of the preparation is in the doing. Yep, there is another meme-worthy cliche. 

4-lessons on how to find the right direction in life, Bob Miglani an article on tinybuddha.com

Bob Miglani made a life change when stuck at a crossroads. He shares what lead him to this place in his life and the lessons he learned as a result. 

1. Stop overthinking.
2. Try anything. Do something.
3. Follow your inner voice.
4. Believe in yourself.

By taking small steps each and every day, putting aside over-thinking, and realizing that you have everything you need deep within, you can find the right direction in your life. And while it may not be the direction you expected, it will work out just fine.

CHALLENGE: re-route and re-engage on your journey to self-discovery. Own the bumps, pitfalls, and detours by taking responsibility for the choices you’ve made and responsibly using that learning to forge on. Clear a path to finding you and let that be your guide.

 

I Know YOU Can Do It!

Loving with a Gentle Touch, Inspiring and Encouraging

SHOW NOTES:

On this show...we’re talking about LOVE! Not blinded by, crazy in, or even unconditional without boundaries. We’re exploring healthy, inspiring, and encouraging love. It’s not just about how you love but how you accept love. Do you demonstrate the type of love you’re looking for? What about control in the name of love…..yep that’s a real thing too. Love is defined as an intense feeling of deep affection. Sounds like an emotion that you feel, it’s yours. What about love as a verb:  to like or desire (something) very much: to take great pleasure in.  Wreckless love that is driven by expectations without boundaries can be dangerous love. Let’s explore loving with a gentle touch.

I’ve had a lot of time to reflect and consider love from many angles during my lifetime. I think the way we view love evolves as we grow and our needs and desires change and morph. 

Let’s explore the different types of love, hopefully hitting on one you cherish and a few you need to re-evaluate. After all, we are sharing, learning, and growing. 

Love stretches wide and deep to encompass the passionate affair you experience as your first love, the heart-pounding love you feel when you see your child for the first time, and the gentle love you feel for your parents as they grow older. A common thread throughout each of these types of love is care and consideration for someone. Ultimately, that care and consideration are best expressed through the word "compassion."

Corrina Horne shares her thoughts about compassion in an article she wrote for betterhelp.com: What Is Compassionate Love?

Compassion is a concern for the welfare and well-being of others. Compassion does not necessarily require a focused love to exist but is often thought of as a form of love in and of itself: a love for humankind as a whole. Compassion is argued to be the bedrock for kindness and selflessness, as compassion focuses attention outward rather than inward, and is an example of both empathy (putting yourself in someone else’s shoes) and sympathy (feeling sad, sorry, or distressed on someone's behalf without necessarily putting yourself in their situation).

It could be argued that all love is compassionate love. Indeed, some would argue that love is not loving at all unless it is coupled with compassion. On the other hand, affection and attachment without compassion are far more akin to infatuation or obsession than love. While it is not entirely true that love cannot be felt without also feeling compassion, love is best and most effectively put into practice when compassion is present.

Tune in for more…

I made a change almost eight years ago. Oh, you’re always changing as you grow some of which is automatic and unnoticeable but this was a dramatic shift that I orchestrated. It was time for a change and I was ready to change. For me, it was a crossroads of sorts that inspired my need for more. I had spent too much emotional, physical, and financial resources trying to control others. At the beginning of this journey, I was convinced that with more effort and energy things would work out just as I intended. It was clear to me that I had the solution to happiness if everyone would just follow my lead. Of course, in my mind, this was all about love. I loved these people and wanted the best for them…..or so I thought. So I kept pushing and pulling, demanding and bargaining but no matter what I did, they did what they wanted. Most of which was not in my magic plan for success. So I was frustrated and hard on myself thinking I should be doing more. What was I missing here? Why wouldn’t these people want to be happy? Didn’t they love me enough to change? 

It’s amazing how you can believe that and without a shadow of a doubt, insist that you’re right. 

Not really sure what the final straw was 8 years ago. I believe it was a convergence of ideas and experiences that finally released the pickle jar lid - but I got it. No one is going to change to meet my expectations. You see, they are MY expectations no theirs. All I could do is find love without expectations - compassion. I had to let people live their lives, make mistakes, pick themselves up, and carry on all without my interference. Easy task - of course not. I had deeply rooted compulsive behaviors and how could I think I could change others when I wasn’t even getting it right!

So I started working on me. Getting healthy, mentally, physically, and spiritually. Coming face-to-face with all my idiosyncrasies, owning them, learning from them, forgiving myself, and forging on in a new direction. 

I am inherently compassionate and do love people and want to see them succeed. I just had my approach all wrong. Nothing that can’t be righted with a little work. Now I encourage instead of control and inspire instead of demand. But first I connect, listen, and understand. This is their life and sometimes they just want to share and be heard. No need to rush to the rescue which frees me up a great deal to love without expectation. 

Elizabeth Earnshaw, LMFT -Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist discusses this idea of Unconditional Love: How To Give It & Know If It's Healthy in an article she wrote for mindbodygreen.com

The term unconditional love does not mean love without limits or bounds. It means, "I offer you my love freely without condition." This means that when we offer our love, we offer it without expectation of repayment. It is important to offer this type of unconditional love in our relationships. Otherwise, we are offering love with "strings attached." This creates power and control imbalances.

Conditional love might sound like this:

• "I always gave you so much love, and this is the thanks I get?"
• "Your father and I wanted you to become a doctor. We did everything for you, and now we are disappointed with your choice to be an artist."
• "I cannot believe that is who you are marrying! I would think you'd respect me more than that after all of the love I gave you."

It is healthy to offer your love without strings attached. Otherwise, we are not truly loving the other person. Rather, we are using affection as a tool to control. It is not healthy to offer love without boundaries….

So many times it comes down to first loving yourself. We hear this mantra and see the quotes or memes so often it seems a bit cliche, like live, laugh, love. But let’s be real, how can you fully and wholeheartedly love someone else if you can’t love yourself. 

What does loving yourself even mean? Well, it starts with showing yourself the same kindness, patience, respect, and forgiving spirit that you show others. Are you going to make mistakes - yes. Are you going to like everything about yourself - no. Can you love yourself but still desire to change aspects of your life - of course! Self-acceptance doesn’t mean settling for who you are and where you are without the desire for change. It’s being mindful about those things, accepting that where you are and who you are right now is ok and then having patience with yourself as you grow and change. 

Magda Kay gives us tips on What does “self-love” really mean and how to start loving yourself - an article on her own blog - Bravebelle

1. Become aware of your inner voice
2. Take control of your inner voice
3. Treat yourself like a child...with a gentle tone, love, and kindness
4. Love yourself emotionally and physically

CHALLENGE: be gentle with love, for yourself and with others. Encourage & inspire instead of controlling and bargaining. You can have a deep capacity for love by first expanding the love for yourself through self-awareness and acceptance. 

 

I Know YOU Can Do It!