Encouragementology

Vulnerability, Showing Your Softer Side

Do you associate hard and tough as being in control? When you feel vulnerable do you feel weak? Perhaps it’s fear, hurt or betrayal. Our ideas of these terms could have evolved and morphed throughout our lifetime. Through childhood, adolescence, or adult experiences.

Vulnerability in the technical term means the quality or state of being exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed, either physically or emotionally.

But consider this: “Vulnerability is not winning or losing; it’s having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome. Vulnerability is not weakness; it’s our greatest measure of courage,” affirms research professor and author Brené Brown in her book Rising Strong.

Vulnerability is an act of courage because you merge with your authentic self, instead of hiding behind a facade to appease others. But it can be uncomfortable to ask questions, express your opinion, or talk about your emotions with people. You expose yourself to their criticism and judgment, but you also expose yourself to answers and opposing views.

How many times do you hang back in a conversation because you’re afraid that what you have to offer will be silly or irrelevant or even stupid? How much are you missing because you worry about what other people think vs how you feel? The fear of vulnerability may even stunt your growth, staying in your cocoon because you’re afraid to express yourself.

Our outer shell was developed to protect us, to be more assertive, mingle and mix with anyone we come in contact with. Sometimes we let this outer shell lead like a protective piece of armor. Sometimes we get to a place where we are carrying two distinctively different people in one.

I am an assertive businesswoman who isn’t afraid to insert her opinion or fight for what is right. Personally, I’m a pushover who can become consumed with people pleasing and worrying about everyone else's comfort level vs my own.

How can we blend the best qualities of each to find our true selves? The more we embrace our softer side, the easier it becomes to connect with who we are and express ourselves from an authentic place. So be gentle. Just like I asked you to think about what you really value about yourself - your true self, let’s think about what you like about your persona. This is the person you send out to fight your battles so you must respect and trust their strength. Maybe it’s their work ethic, their ability to stand up for what they believe in or ask for what they want. If that persona was going to be gone tomorrow, what would you want to keep and adopt for yourself?

CHALLENGE: Take a quiet moment and be gentle with yourself. If you’re sad, nurture your feelings. If you’re mad, take some deep breaths and help yourself relax. If you’re happy, celebrate with yourself, well done you! In all you do, be there for yourself today and tomorrow, we want to meet YOU.

I know YOU can do it!

Musical Feature: Jenn Bostic www.jennbostic.com

 

Self-Acceptance, Embracing YOU

Why are we our own worst critics? Why are we so hard on ourselves and each other?

 

It’s ok to push yourself to learn more, be healthier, love harder etc but at some point, we have to be happy with who we are. We have to learn to love ourselves even during the process.

According to Wikipedia: self-acceptance is an individual's satisfaction or happiness with oneself, and is thought to be necessary for good mental health. Self-acceptance involves self-understanding, a realistic, albeit subjective, awareness of one's strengths and weaknesses.

Strengths are harder to identify than weaknesses for some but let’s start the process now. Even if you’ve never told anyone or feel weird saying it out loud. What is one thing you actually like and value about yourself? Just like a house starts with a solid foundation so too does your self-acceptance. Ultimately, liking ourselves more (or getting on better terms with ourselves) is mostly to do with self-acceptance. And it's only when we stop judging ourselves that we can secure a more positive sense of who we are.

Mel Robbins says: The more you practice self-acceptance, the more you'll realize the only person you ever needed is you.

What can you do to build a bond with yourself, develop trust so that you can start loving yourself:

1. Be willing to accept. It’s finally time to get to the root of the feelings you’ve been carrying around. Everyone says “get over it” but first you may need to understand it, accept responsibility, and then make peace.
2. Be willing to learn. You are never too old or too set in your ways to see a new perspective. Limiting beliefs may have you trapped believing something you’ve always heard but isn’t true.
3. Be willing to listen. When you open your heart and mind and seek new understanding about yourself, you need to find patience and listen for the answer.
4. Be willing to move. Move out of your comfort zone where being down on yourself is common practice. Take a compliment and give yourself many. Start your day with self-praise and a smile.
5. Be willing to grow. As you start loving and accepting yourself your confidence will grow. Be open to new relationships, friendships, opportunities, and find a reason to share this love with others.

CHALLENGE: So I challenge you to use this momentum to start building on your self-acceptance foundation by uncovering another characteristic you value about yourself. Be your own #1 fan and start your day with a positive pep-talk. When self-doubt and negativity creep in, say NO, not today - today I’m accepting myself just like I am.

I know YOU can do it!

Musical Feature: Daniel Champagne https://danielchampagnemusic.com/

 

Exercising Your Authority

Would you say you just “go with the flow”....handling what every life throws your way? Are you in charge or are you letting fate dictate your next move?

Let’s evaluate your current situation and ask yourself this question, “Who is responsible?” Are you struggling with missed opportunities or a bad hand because of something you did? Or is life handing you the lemons?

Some of us are stuck in the role of the victim, blaming everything and everyone but ourselves for what is and what is not happening for us. In psychology, this is known as the self-serving bias and refers to people’s tendencies to attribute successes to internal factors and failures to external ones. By doing that, we get a comfortable way out of taking responsibility for our own situation.

Once you accept responsibility it’s time to take action. You are going to have to speak up. Not just to your family, friends, or the universe but to yourself. It’s time to have a heart to heart. “What are you waiting for self?” “It’s time we get it together and push over the hump” It’s GO TIME!!”

Start with those affirmations and then add to them when you need a positive kick in the pants. An affirmation is really anything you say or think. A lot of what we normally say and think is quite negative and doesn’t create good experiences for us. We have to retrain our thinking and speaking into positive patterns if we want to change our lives. In essence, you’re saying to your subconscious mind: “I am taking responsibility. I am aware that there is something I can do to change.”

The brain doesn’t communicate in future or past-tense. Everything that happens is happening in the moment for your brain. So this has to be a daily pep talk. Use language like I WILL instead of I COULD. It’s time you take charge and you can’t exercise authority if you are using passive language.

Your new found power can be asserted over any situation. It doesn’t have to be life-altering involving a major move. It could be finding an extra moment to yourself - take it, then demand more. It could be a new hobby you’ve always wanted to try - step out of your comfort zone and give it a try, then try it again. Things get easier and more fun with practice. Maybe it’s a new job or going back to school - what are you waiting for, search for the opportunity and put your hat in the ring - every day you don’t is a day you’ve lost.

Challenge: So I challenge you to take responsibility, find your voice, direct your focus, and SPEAK UP. You have the power to make it happened and NO ONE wants “it” more than you.

I know YOU can do it!

Musical Feature: Danika and The Jeb

www.danikaholmes.com

Going Further, Accomplishing More

Do you have a clear idea of what you want your life to look like? Would you say you’re more of a dreamer or a goal setter? How are you on the execution?

Getting to the next level starts with a clear assessment of present state, where you are and what you are doing.

It might be time to get REAL.

What does your day look like?

• What time do you get up
• How do you start your day
• Where are your thoughts
• Where do you go
• Who do you see
• What do you do

Every day of life is a HUSTLE. We can relax in our accomplishments. You can hustle to stay alive, make ends meet, get ahead, go further, or impact more. Where are you on that scale?

Stay Alive: What is preventing you from making ends meet? What can YOU do to alleviate the stress and become more productive?

Make Ends Meet: What is preventing you from getting ahead? What can YOU do to get over the hump and relieve the pressure of just getting by?

Getting Ahead: What is preventing you from going further? What can YOU do to unlock the key to hitting new goals?

Go Further: What is preventing you from impacting more?  What can YOU do to propel your life and reach the next level of impact?

Impact More: What is preventing you from sharing your success and ideas with others. What can YOU do to create a legacy?

Getting from A-Z is a process and a journey full of ups and downs, bad turns, smooth sailing, big hills, low valleys...you see where I’m going. Rarely is it a straight shot.

Where do you want to go on this journey? Does it seem impossible? Well, it isn’t. With planning, progress, and patience you can get to where you want to go.

PLANNING:

It's starts by makeing SMART Goals:

S- specific

M - measurable

A - attainable

R- relevant

T- time bound

PROGRESS:

It’s ok to have a 5, 10, or 15-year plan but create mini goals along the way. Managing a bigger vision can seem overwhelming and as a result, tiresome and soon you will lose focus. Consider thinking of your year in quarters - First, Second, Third, & Fourth. What can you do in 90 days that will help you get to your goal?

When you hit a milestone you have reason to celebrate! Celebrating your progress will keep you encouraged. Take stock of your success and if needed, modify action steps for the next quarter. Remember, it’s easy to get stuck in the ditch doing all the work. At some point, you have to step outside and look at the horizon to make sure you are navigating with accuracy.

PATIENCE:

Rome wasn’t built in a day. They didn’t get in a rush and create lean-to’s because they were impatient. They made a plan and besides all the crazy war, sin, and murder they stayed the course. My point is it is a process and if you rush it, you will get less than you deserve. In all you do, you should be building a foundation for stability. Before the walls were erected (or the Roman columns) there was first a solid foundation. Then the roof, then the sconces and tapestries.  Think of building something as sustainable as the Parthenon which still stands today. SO Breathe - evaluate - modify - and push forward. Your goals may change along the way but if you’ve planned correctly, it won’t be starting over it will just be taking a new path further down the road.

CHALLENGE: SO Breathe - evaluate - modify - and push forward. Your goals may change along the way but if you’ve planned correctly, it won’t be starting over it will just be taking a new path further down the road.

I know YOU can do it!

Musical Feature: Dan Hagemann. Find his music on iTunes and Spotify

 

 

Staying Positive, Avoiding Negativity

Now here is a true challenge, staying positive in a negative environment. Sure there are pockets of positivity but you can’t turn on the news, browse your social feed, or have a water cooler conversation without negativity layered in.

Do you feel like a positive person? Someone who sees the glass half full vs half empty? Always searching for the silver lining, turning a frown upside down? Well, congratulations! Now, more than ever, that is a rare characteristic. Because at every turn we are met with negative emotions, situations, and outcomes. Have you ever heard “If you can’t beat them, join them”? If you haven’t it feels like everyone else has.

Negativity perpetuates itself, breeds dissatisfaction and clutters the mind.  And when the mind is cluttered with negativity, happiness is much harder to come by. Debbie Downer and Steve Stuck in the Mud are real and they want friends, lots of friends.

“They control how I feel in the morning, and are always there when I to sleep. They often cause me to feel out of control. They dictate how I react to the people around me. They often cause me to feel offended, angry or hurt, whether it was truly justified or not. They never cease to remind me of my shortcomings and flaws, making me feel inferior and often undervalued. They constantly try to pull me down with discouragement or hopelessness, stealing my peace and joy.”

Who are “they,” you ask? They are negative thoughts.

It’s time to give yourself an intervention and change lanes. If you see your self careening off the road at a high rate of speed, pump the breaks and make some healthy and positivity changes before you are so off course that you don’t even realize your there...NEGATIVE.

1. Spend MORE time with positive people. You are the average of the people you spend the most time with.

 

2. Redirect a negative conversation into a positive light. This starts with empathy, not sympathy. Empathy means you “understand” and Sympathy means you “agree”. If you can’t redirect, simply change the subject. No need to scold, just abort the conversation.

 

3. Lead by example: a good day starts and ends with you. It’s all YOUR perception. When you wake up what are you willing to embrace and what are you willing to let go.

 

4. Thoughtfully respond vs react. You can’t control the situation but you can control your reaction to it. Molehill meet Mountain.

 

5. Seek solutions instead of pity partygoers. Of course, situations can be disappointing but instead of focusing all your energy on what you should have done focus the majority of your efforts on what you can do next time.

 

6. Smile, even when it’s painful. Smile at someone so you get a smile back and if you don’t, that’s ok...they got yours!

 

7. When you’ve established a healthy boundary for yourself be open to listening. Be a sounding board without offering advice or a solution. Some people just need to tell someone in a safe environment.

 

8. Every day can’t be packed with rainbows. Real life is about highs and lows and sometimes the lows let us appreciate the highs. Take a breathe and work through it knowing it’s temporary if you make it.

 

9. Close the vault on things you can not change. Painful memories don’t have to live in your present. It won’t change the fact that you experienced them, that you suffered, and that you hopefully survived.  Don’t let the negative points from the past steal your positive future.

 

10. Keep your eyes fixed on the horizon. Life is short and drama is the sludge that keeps you from moving forward. Step over and onward - no one has time for that saga.

CHALLENGE: Don’t be that guy or girl who can’t let things go. Don’t be the one who has to point out the obvious shortcomings of the everything around them even the guy standing closest. Look up not down and see the bigger picture. You are the one making a strong push forward or limiting your potential.

 

I know YOU can do it!

MUSICAL FEATURE: AnnaliseEmerick www.annaliseemrick.com

 

Powerful Perceptions

Have you ever heard “Perception is Reality?” What do you think that means? Is it one of those things your parents say to scare you like: if you keep frowning your face will get stuck like that or if you drink that, it will put hair on your chest. I guess that one’s not scary for everyone.

See, what people perceive is usually what they believe, and this is based on what they hear, see and think. It works both ways. Your perception is your reality and the way you present yourself, say and do, becomes someone else’s reality.

How do you want to be perceived? Maybe you’ve heard this one: “Dress for the job you want not the one you have”. What do you suppose that means? You are creating a perception of a more successful and talented person because you want someone to have a different opinion of you. This can be more than just putting your best foot forward,  sometimes, this desire to be perceived differently can go too far. To their own detriment, people are buying bigger houses, faster cars, plastic surgery, and expensive wardrobes. It easy to see the kind of reality they are trying to personify.

Has your own perception been distorted? See if this sounds familiar. You have an idea in your mind, something you believe to be true. You then give more focus to evidence that helps support your idea vs contrary evidence. A great example of this is in politics. Do you believe in every case presented or are you just sticking to your alignment?

How about the way you perceive a type of person or group of people? People tend to believe that when people are similar in one way, they are likely to be similar in other ways and this is often not the case. Let’s say you have a negative experience with a certain type of person, gender, race, or status. Do you react with a preconceived bias when you are faced with a similar situation?

Our expectations and perceptions of optimism can be altered with a single word like "yes." On the flip-side, we all know the power of “no” to instantly take the wind out of your sails and make you feel negative. The declarative word “yes” is like an implicit green light that implies "go." On the other hand, “no” is an implicit red light that implies "stop."

One of the choices you have when faced with a problem is to change your perception of the problem. People sometimes resist altering their perceptions, believing they are right in what they see, hear, and remember. The truth is that your perceptions are often inaccurate, particularly in emotionally charged situations.

CHALLENGE: To challenge your perception, be open to differing opinions and ideas. Ask yourself “is this what I think, or is this what I know to be true”. Be aware of how the presentation of yourself, your ideas, and your wants could also be skewed. Be bold and clear to personify your desires.

I know YOU can do it!

Musical Feature: Curtis Battrell found on iTunes and SoundCloud

Staying Present, Living Now

Do you feel like life is speeding by? Are you stuck in the past obsessing about what you should have done? How much do you discount today waiting for tomorrow?

Timothy Ferriss wrote the book “The 4-Hour Work Week” on how to experience the benefits of retirement while you are working vs waiting until the end of your life to start living.

Mel Robbins urges you to just GO and act on your instincts with the 5-Second Rule of 5,4,3,2,1.

In the Power of Now, Eckhart Tolle tells us that the future is only in our heads and the past is simply a collection of memories. The only thing that truly exists is the now. By always thinking about the past or the future, we are denying or ignoring the now. Even if the memory is a positive one it could end in negative thinking as you compare your life now to then.

As with everything good - it has to be intentional. You have to want to stay present and experience every moment.

So stay with me, it’s unfolding as we’re talking. When you woke up this morning you had a choice. Maybe not whether you had to get up or how you were going to spend your day, but you had control over your immediate reaction. Only YOU can make or break it.

It starts with staying present. When you wake up and your mind starts to spin, take a pause and remember what is important about that moment. Not what you have ahead or what you have left over from yesterday...but just that moment. How do you feel, what do you hear around you? Don’t pick up your phone or turn on the TV, allow your brain a conscious break as you start your day.

As you go about your day, be mindful of when your mind starts picking up speed. Eliminate unnecessary distractions so that you can concentrate on 1-2 things at a time. Multi-tasking has been linked to a reduction in productivity by 40% as well as lasting effects on your cognition. So where you think you are a superstar getting everything done you are actually training your brain to work at a lower capacity. Channel your energy into one project at a time stopping along the way to admire what you are doing and how you feel so that you can stay present.

As you wind down the day a short reflection is good. Take inventory of what you did or didn’t do and how you feel but limit it to just that day.

CHALLENGE: Celebrate your year NOW while you’re in the present. You may have had a rocky past full of regrets or you may be working towards a big pay off but it’s important to live and appreciate the present to fully enjoy your life.

I know YOU can do it!

Musical Feature: Cheley Tackett www.cheleytackett.com

Enriching Your World, Creating Balance

You can search the internet and find a gazillion top ten lists instructing you on how to achieve optimal Mind, Body & Spirit. Everything from traveling the world and adopting the spirit-filled practices of other cultures to setting a 5-minute timer on your phone for a mid-day meditation break.

I may have nothing new. My advice is simply, my advice and may or may not rise to the top of the list. But in everything, we do we should strive for a healthy balance. Everything in moderation, even moderation ;-) wise advice for an outstanding woman who has achieved a great amount of balance in her lifetime.

Creating a balance doesn’t mean starting over every time you find a new passion but instead, a continual enrichment of your life. Start by looking at the world around you and how you respond to it.

Enrich your outer world: Create a joyful and brain-stimulating environment

• Be aware of where you are - the people you associate with, your community, and areas of need.
• Surround yourself with people who are genuinely happy to be with you - power comes from joyful interactions. When you can, widen your circle and accept others to add flavor and diversity.
• Get involved. Find ways that you can be a part of the world around you.

Enrich your inner world: Feed your mind and soul with nourishing thoughts

• Make time to think, wonder, pray, and meditate - recall joyful memories and add detail to create your “happy place.”
• Expand your mind: Read, be curious and learn, journal ideas, challenge your mind with new thoughts.
• Explore this big ol’world around you. Have a new experience, create a new story, share your findings with others.

Enrich your Health: Be mindful of what you put in your mouth and how you push your body

• Listen to your body: when you are tired; sleep, when you are overwhelmed; relax, when you are hungry; eat, when you are lonely; reach out
• Be aware and honest about wants vs needs.
• Move - intentionally and consistently.

 

CHALLENGE: So I challenge you to explore all the ways to enrich your life, you deserve the time and attention. Then,  make a healthy investment daily that creates balance and an enjoyable payoff.

I know YOU can do it!

Musical Feature: Sundae + Mr. Goessl http://sundaeandmrgoessl.com/

 

Forgiving Failure and Moving ON!

How do you define failure? First you have to know what it is to be able to forgive and move on.

Wikipedia presents it as “the state or condition of not meeting a desirable or intended objective, and may be viewed as the opposite of success.”

You could have A failure or you could lump up all your life experiences together and feel like A failure. Let’s concentrate on the previous - one instance at a time. When you generalize your life you prevent yourself from meeting your own potential, you become your perception. If you stop and ask yourself a qualifying question like: “Really- everything I’ve EVER done I’ve failed at?” I’m sure you will see that simply isn’t true.

It can be easy to fall into this pattern when things don’t seem to be going right and you are in a constant state of struggle. But now, more than ever you have to be honest in your assumptions or you will get stuck in the proverbial, “I NEVER…” or “I ALWAYS…”

First, what were your expectations? Then, what actually happened? Most importantly, what could you have done to change the outcome? And finally, how will you adjust your approach to prevent this from happening again. Write this down, it’s better to see it in black and white so you can easily recall it or use your answers as a guide.

You are rarely in control of everything that happens to you but you ARE in control of how you react and the plan you make for your next attempt. Take your time and be intentional.

Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.

Winston Churchill

Your worth is not tied to your accomplishments. Say that again. Your worth is NOT tied to your accomplishments. If you didn’t try you would not have had the opportunity to fail. So first, celebrate your attempt. Negative self-talk is a powerful thing and usually stems from what you feel others think of you. 

CHALLENGE: Leave room to explore life and if you hit a snag, quarantine it, evaluate your options then have an internal pep talk and be your own coach “Ok that didn’t work, no biggie, I see now what we need to do to get back on track - LET’S GO!”

I know YOU can do it!

Musical Feature: Dave Tamkin  www.davetamkin.com www.headabovemusic.com

 

 

What do YOU Want: A Self Evaluation

It’s so easy to get lost in what you can do…..for everyone else. When you get done saving the world my guess is you are too tired to follow your own dreams. Am I right?

Being it all to everyone is a myth, it’s impossible. Something has to give or everyone, including you, will get a half-hearted attempt. It may be time to evaluate the plates you have spinning and make sure your dreams are represented there.

It’s time for a gut check, what do YOU want? Before you answer, this could be a life-long passion that you’ve put on hold to this exact moment or it could be how you want your day to go. The idea is to start really considering YOUR wants. This may be a foreign concept to you so don’t be too hard on yourself. It will definitely take practice.

Once you identify a “want” that you have, you are presented with 3 options:

To give in, give up or give it all you’ve got.

Giving in to what others think and feel is a real threat. If you’ve spent your life pleasing others and worrying about what others think of you then you may need to take extra caution here. It’s important to understand the “why” to have a conviction for the how. First, it’s something YOU want and that’s important enough but next, explore why it’s important to you. Is it time to reward yourself with a well-deserved break - that’s great. Listen to your heart here and remind your mind it’s ok if everyone thinks you’re being selfish. Maybe it’s a pushing forward to accomplish a goal - more power too you! Give those who object a realistic expectation - you are taking time for YOU.

Giving up is easy. No one said getting what you want was going to be simple. Even simple changes won’t be easy if you’ve spent years putting yourself last. Now is the time to make yourself a priority. Say it with me: Giving up is not an option!

What’s left - oh yeah, giving it all you got! So to avoid radical spikes in motivation that may lead to you running out of steam, take some time and prepare for this new approach. What do YOU want? How important is it to you? How long will it take to achieve it? What are the steps to make it happen? Now ...take the first one.

CHALLENGE: I challenge you, whether it’s a luxurious day to yourself or making a leap towards a life goal, take the time to search your soul and make YOUR wants a priority!

I know YOU can do it!

Musical Feature: Kristin Kearns  www.kristinkearnsmusic.com