Encouragementology

Grieving Loss & Embracing Happiness

SHOW NOTES

On this show... we are going to complete the circle. Loss is inevitable and grieving happens whether we ask for it or not but happiness is a pursuit. Let’s talk about the many losses that trigger the grieving process whether it’s an insignificant disappointment or a loss that shakes us to our core. How we handle loss greatly impacts how we embrace life and our motivation or happiness. You wouldn’t want one without the other. Loss can be a cruel teacher but without loss, one can’t truly appreciate happiness & joy. 

Might as well start with dark and move to the light right? But why does the grieving process always conjure the idea of sadness, extended mourning, prolonged grief? In fact, the dictionary’s definition of grief is; deep sorrow, especially that caused by someone's death. What is sorrow? A feeling of deep distress caused by loss, disappointment, or other misfortune suffered by oneself or others.

So what is grief? I found some really helpful information from the helpguide.com or understanding dealing with grief.

The grieving process is not the same for everyone

Grieving is a highly individual experience; there’s no right or wrong way to grieve. How you grieve depends on many factors, including your personality and coping style, your life experience, your faith, and how significant the loss was to you.

We cover some different myths about grieving like this on:

Myth: The pain will go away faster if you ignore it

Fact: Trying to ignore your pain or keep it from surfacing will only make it worse in the long run. For real healing, it is necessary to face your grief and actively deal with it.

While grieving a loss is an inevitable part of life, there are ways to help cope with the pain:

• Acknowledge your pain.
• Accept that grief can trigger many different and unexpected emotions.
• Understand that your grieving process will be unique to you.
• Seek out face-to-face support from people who care about you.
• Support yourself emotionally by taking care of yourself physically.
• Recognize the difference between grief and depression.

 

We cover the five stages of grief

• Denial: “This can’t be happening to me.”
• Anger: “Why is this happening? Who is to blame?”
• Bargaining: “Make this not happen, and in return I will ____.”
• Depression: “I’m too sad to do anything.”
• Acceptance: “I’m at peace with what happened.”

I talk about the recent loss of my Father from a long-term illness and facility and how my grieving process started over more than once. 

We walk through the emotional symptoms of grief:

Shock and disbelief
Sadness
Guilt
Anger
Fear

And some of the physical symptoms:

Fatigue
Nausea
Lowered immunity
Weight loss or weight gain
Aches and pains
Insomnia

We explore complicated grief and the importance of reaching out and being willing to round the circle to seeking happiness. 

How do you remain optimistic in the face of severe challenges? Here are three quick tips that can make a big difference I found in an article BY JUSTIN BARISO for inc.com.  Try these in the morning to put you in on the path to seeking happiness.

1. Find someone to thank
2. Pick a time to stop working
3. Plan to give

CHALLENGE: Notice and explore your emotions to determine what you need. Reach out and embrace help and the joy it brings. You have the power to nurture or push yourself as needed. It’s your choice.

 

I Know YOU Can Do It!

Thriving Instead of Just Surviving

SHOW NOTES

On this show….we’re gonna do better than just survive, we’re talking about thriving. Growing, developing, prospering, and flourishing! If you feel stuck in a cycle of barely getting by or through each day, turn up the dial. You don’t have to succumb to simply existing. There are tools, strategies, and connections that can help change your state of mind and put you back in control. 

Think back and try to pinpoint the moment you started losing your fight. If we are going to apply a new strategy we need to know at what point you switched from thriving to just surviving. I shared my own experience with co-dependency and how I was able to break free and focus my energy on healing myself.

I shared a story of Caleb that mirrors aspects of my own told by Christine Hammond a Licensed Mental Health Counselor with over one million downloads of her popular podcast, “Understanding Today’s Narcissist,”. 

The following steps are only an outline of the process that Caleb began. However, the specifics need to be catered for each’s strengths and weaknesses.

1. Acknowledge the obstacle within you. 
2. Make a list of positive and negative characteristics.
3. Choose one thing to change at a time.
4. All change will be met with resistance.
5. Recognize the need for help.
6. Don’t expect immediate praise from others.
7. Be patient with others.

We talked about using self-pity as a crutch. How many times have you wallowed in your own self-pity putting off change because of fear or defiance? Sometimes it’s just easier to stay where you are and lick your wounds shrouding yourself in your own disappointment.

Most people are well-intentioned; they have big dreams and ambitions they want to achieve. Yet day after day, they find themselves stuck in the same routines to the remark of, ‘I’ll do it tomorrow.’ You’ve been there. You know it can feel impossible to change your life when momentum is working against you.

We walked through some ideas from Reece Robertson who is a self-proclaimed freedom addict in an article for medium: Good Intentions Aren’t Good Enough.

Most of us can’t go it alone. Whether you are protecting your pride or a deep dark secret, keeping your true struggle to yourself has been your go-to default. But isolating these thoughts only gives them more power over you. Reach out to a trusted advisor, friend, or family member. Be open to positive and honest feedback. When you are protecting your pity, it’s hard to hear anything on the contrary. Include your willingness to participate in your own recovery in your commitment plan. 

Eric Ravenscraft examines this in an article he wrote for the NY Times on Why Talking About Our Problems Helps So Much (and How to Do It)

There is a fundamental difference between thriving and surviving. Surviving means, “to continue to live or exist,” while thrive can be defined as “to grow or develop well, to prosper or to flourish.”

We talked through some  thought-provoking ideas from Tamara Lechner for chopra.com

Signs You’re Living in Survival Mode

• You choose the path of least resistance.
• You are more reactive than proactive
• You blame circumstances or others or find excuses when things go wrong.
• You feel there is never enough to go around.
• You don’t speak your mind because others might disagree.
• You don’t listen to hear; you listen to answer.
• You see failure as the end result of things gone wrong.
• Change scares you.

Quick Fixes to Get You Started on a Thriving Path

• Think about how you want to feel rather than what you want to have or do.
• Remind yourself of times in the past when you have felt like you were thriving. Visualize these times and remember how it felt.
• Make a vision board or get on Pinterest, where you’ll find inspirational quotes and ideas, and create a collage that reminds you of how you want to feel and what you want to do each day.
• Spend time every day in nature.
• Meditate
• Take a class or attend a retreat.
• Grab a book by someone who inspires you.
• Listen to a podcast or webinar.
• Do something that scares you.
• Change a habit.

CHALLENGE: make a commitment to live your best life. Don’t accept the status quo of barely surviving but instead, remove the barriers that are preventing you from challenging yourself to thrive. The path to self-discovery and your pace is up to you.

 

I Know YOU Can Do It!

Generating Joy - A Feeling You Can Create

SHOW NOTES

On this show….we talked about JOY, one of my favorite subjects. Now, you don’t have to be brimming with joy to participate. That’s just it, we are talking about generating joy. This is something you can actually take control of and make happen yourself. You have the power to be joyful. But harnessing your power and generating joy aren’t the only things we will be discussing, we are going to uncover the benefits of sharing this with others. Your joy and the secret to generating their own.

We talked about why it’s important to strive for a joyful feeling and what it can do to your body.

Carrie Murphy wrote an article on this for Healthline - How Joy Affects Your Body. 

On a scientific level, we feel joy in our neurotransmitters, which are tiny chemical “messenger” cells that transmit signals between neurons (nerves) and other bodily cells. Those neurotransmitters are responsible for processes and feelings in almost every aspect of the body, from blood flow to digestion.

Benefits of feeling more joy:

• promotes a healthier lifestyle
• boosts immune system
• fights stress and pain
• supports longevity

Here are all the ways happiness runs throughout your body.

1. Your brain
2. Your circulatory system
3. Your autonomic nervous system

Did you know that you can even fake a smile to generate joy: “Smiling can trick your brain by elevating your mood, lowering your heart rate, and reducing your stress. The smile doesn’t have to be based on real emotion because faking it works as well.” — Dr. Samuel

You might believe happy people full of joy are people without any problems. They don’t suffer from health issues, financial issues, or relationship issues. They have it all together just running through a field of flowers chasing rainbows. But that isn’t true. Generating and activating joy in your life is a choice. Not being trapped by the negative pressures and the challenges of life is a choice. 

Have you heard of the “Happy Place”? Someone might say to you, “Go to your Happy Place”. This can be more than a metaphor and become an actual place for you, in your mind. A refuge where you are reminded of happy thoughts and feelings to transport you to a healthier state of mind. With a little practice, you can use this escape at will.  (We did a visualization exercise with journaling to conjure up your happy place and use it to transport yourself into an executive state of mind

We talked about rumination and how negative thoughts can prevent you from finding and using your “Happy Place”. Zawn Villines for Medical News Today - How to Stop Ruminating Thoughts

• Here are some ways to stop these thoughts:
• Avoid rumination triggers
• Spend time in nature
• Exercise
• Find a Distraction
• Push back with Interrogation
• Increase self-esteem
• Meditation

Consider collecting all these ideas for the ability to give yourself a “joy injection” whenever you need one. Feeling down today, don’t wait for someone to come along and pick up the pieces. YOU have the power to take control and generate joy. No longer should you succumb to sadness or a feeling of hopelessness. YOU have the power to generate joy.  Be a light, a city on a hill. We are all attracted to a beautiful spirit that gives us hope. Before you allow negativity to block your joy and dim your light, climb up to that higher vantage point and be a city on a hill. One without obstruction that guides others to joy. 

CHALLENGE: Don’t accept sadness as a stage of life. Push back and harness your power to generate joy. Create guides to help you find your Happy Place and share that feeling with others. Shine your light bright enough for others to follow. 

 

I Know YOU Can Do It!

Finding Long-Term Strategies Instead of Short-Term Fixes

SHOW NOTES:

 

On this show….we discussed patience, now before you turn the show off thinking, “I don’t have time for this”, maybe you’re the exact person who should be listening. All good things come in time, right? Well, yes but we will also be talking about persistence and resilience because there is much to be done during the waiting. Most of us would probably vote quick fix over long-term strategy even though the later, just by title, sounds a little more solid. Quick and easy is what appeals to us most. Quick means I can have it now and even if it is short-term, the problem is solved and I can worry about it again when the time comes.

 

We talked about life in quadrants: learning your way, establishing your roots, growing in your awareness, passing on your knowledge. In each of these sections of life, there is a general plan. You need to learn and grow in multiple areas to get to the next stage of life. In many cases, you have help, family members, teachers, and mentors and in other cases, you are doing research and adjusting your plan based on your experiences, both good and bad.

 

Thomas Oppong writes about The Japanese philosophy of Kaizen as a way to manage long-term goals.

Stop aiming for radical personal change, a magic bullet cannot save you; you’ve got to embrace the process and enjoy it. If you want to achieve your goal every time, create a system that works. Instead of a goal, design a great system or process. That way, you will always win.

 

The Kaizen approach was developed by Depression-era American business management theorists in order to build the arsenal of democracy that helped the US win World War II. The Japanese took to the idea of small, continual improvement right away and gave it a name: Kaizen.

 

The idea here is to focus on consistent, everyday improvements in your life—ones that make you better than you were yesterday—rather than how small the step you take is. Each day, just focus on getting 1% better in whatever it is you’re trying to improve. That’s it. Just 1%.

 

We revisited the idea of 100%: Remember the idea of giving 100% of what you have every day? The idea is not to deplete yourself but to give what you have. Today you may have just a little, bogged down by the weight of what’s going on around you but still, give all of it. I love visualization and to me, this image is something to strive for. 

 

Jack Canfield puts it a little differently in his idea that 99% is a B*@#&  and 100% is a Breeze listed on meaninfulhq.com

 

Successful people adhere to the “no exceptions rule” when it comes to their daily disciplines. Once you make a 100% commitment to something, there are no exceptions. It’s a done deal. Nonnegotiable. Case closed!

 

• What’s ONE thing in your life that you’re currently just partially committed to, but know you should be totally committed to? Write it down.
• What’s ONE thing you can do RIGHT NOW to help yourself get totally committed to it? Write it down.
• Go take action on what you wrote down above right now, or get committed to doing it within the next 24 hours.

 

We also talked about the importance of planning for the lulls: With any plan, you want to consider, timing and commitment level and at the same time foresee potential threats. No well-executed plan comes without a strategy and part of a successful strategy is to plan for the unconsidered. This is where resilience comes in.

 

Let’s explore resilience with some information I found from the American Psychological Association 

Psychologists define resilience as the process of adapting well in the face of adversity, trauma, tragedy, threats or significant sources of stress — such as family and relationship problems, serious health problems, or workplace and financial stressors. As much as resilience involves "bouncing back" from these difficult experiences, it can also involve profound personal growth.

We explored ways to:

• Build Connections
• Foster Wellness
• Find Purpose
• Embrace Healthy Thoughts

 

Maintain a hopeful outlook. It’s hard to be positive when life isn’t going your way. An optimistic outlook empowers you to expect that good things will happen to you. Try visualizing what you want, rather than worrying about what you fear. Along the way, note any subtle ways in which you start to feel better as you deal with difficult situations.

 

CHALLENGE: Don’t be quick to embrace quick & easy. You deserve success and the time it takes to execute a well thought out plan. What you have today is enough and will get your through to tomorrow. Reach out and let those you trust guide the way when it might feel easier to call it quits.

 

I Know YOU Can Do It!

 

Rebounding When Life Keeps Delivering Blow After Blow

SHOW NOTES:

On this show….we discussed disappointment, and not just being let down but facing serious challenges and coming up short time and time again. Regardless of your situation, we can all identify with being challenged, facing adversity, falling short, and harboring fear and resentment. 

 

We talked about handling an accumulation of disappointments. How do you handle life when it seems like nothing is going your way?

 

I shared a little help from Laura Sue Brockway in 11 Ways Emotionally Intelligent People Overcome Disappointment - this includes her professional opinion and some of the professionals she follows.

 

1. Take a moment to…wallow.
2. Do a reality check—is it really that bad?
3. Go high when hit with a low blow.
4. Don't stew in negativity.
5. Avoid anxious reactions by lowering stress.
6. Put things in perspective.
7. Try not to take other people's reactions and opinions to heart.
8. Limit others from dumping their disappointments.
9. Write down your distress.
10. Develop positive thinking muscles.
11. Breathe your way to a clear mind.

Life is full of challenges and as strong as you are or as strong as you become, they are unavoidable. What can change is your reaction to any situation. In the midst of a fight on the ground, it’s easy to cast blame, avoid responsibility, and walk away defeated leaving so many life lessons on the table. The advantage only comes from changing your perspective. On the ground, you only see what’s in front of you and only a few feet ahead. You can’t predict future trials but you can arm yourself with the knowledge to help you deal with them more effectively.

 

We talked about unhooking all the disappoint and lay it out to get a good look at each event. Sometimes we lump everything together making it overwhelming to deal with. I used the visualization of being Ebenezer Scrogg and try visiting each event as a third party onlooker. 

 

Sometimes we need this vantage point to walk through the various stations of our life. Keeping events private, never dealing with emotional trauma, or uncovering the lesson means we harden, limiting our true potential. 

 

We discussed the importance of reaching out and not trying to rebound on your own. I shared some insightful thoughts from Debbie Jorde - she struggles with insecurities and self-doubt. She is raising two children with special needs, battling bulimia & multiple sclerosis. She thought she was alone….until she reached out. Now the author of 8 fingers and 8 toes - Accepting Life’s Challenges. 

 

1. Ask for Help
2. Set Personal Boundaries
3. Make Conscious Choices
4. Accepting Challenges Creates Better Health
5. Listen to Your Body
6. Build Healthy Habits
7. Get Regular Exercise, and Eat Healthily
8. Take Control of One Area of Your Life

Listen to the podcast to gain perspective on Debbie’s walk and how she came to this advice.  Take control of one area of your life - When life keeps delivering blow after blow and you are overwhelmed feeling completely out of control. Take ONE back. Start small and find one thing you can own. For Debbie, it was her diet and exercise. Even struggling with health problems of her own, she could own this area of her life. 

Instead of focusing on how to avoid the blow’s that life will inevitably deliver we’ve been focusing on rebounding. How to face the challenge, embrace the lesson, find support from others, and fuel your journey with knowledge. Ready to start moving forward again more empowered than before?

 

CHALLENGE: When the pressure gets too great, instead of taking a dive, reach out, and embrace the wisdom of human connections. Empower your self with the knowledge to fuel your resilience. You have what it takes to rebound and lead the charge!

 

I Know YOU Can Do It!

Exploring Opportunities in the Face of Uncertainty

SHOW NOTES:

 

On this show…. we explored some of our options. Don’t you just love the word exploring? It gives us movement and freedom to research, consider, and try out almost anything. It’s an actionable word but it doesn’t force us to move at a predetermined pace or make any commitments we aren’t ready for. We are simply exploring and understanding. There are opportunities all around us. Some land in our lap whether we are conscious of it or not and others we have to uncover and bring to life. Exploring is about searching our hearts and our minds for what we want to happen next and then sifting through ideas and experiences until we find something that might fit.

 

We talked about uncertainty and why we succumb to its promise of “someday”. How can you embrace it now and find comfort?

 

Adam Sicinski -FINDING COMFORT IN UNCERTAINTY WHEN YOUR GOALS ARE ON THE LINE

• The Benefits of Uncertainty
• Preparing for Uncertainty
• Embracing Uncertainty
• Accepting uncertainty
• Building a Strong Support Network
• Investing in Yourself
• Managing Stress Levels
• Living for Today

Murphy’s law states that anything that could go wrong, will go wrong, at the worst possible time, all at once when you least expect it. If you don’t keep this law in mind as you are stepping onto the path of uncertainty, then, of course, unexpected things are likely to pop up and you might not be prepared to handle them.

• What’s the worst that could happen if I take action?
• What’s the worst that could happen if I don’t take action?
• What will I do about it?
• What could prevent me from taking action?
• How will I overcome these obstacles?

 

Create a Plan of Action

Replace any expectations that you may have with a written and tangible plan of action. A plan of action will help you to iron out all the details and will allow you to fit everything together into a concrete actionable structure. Ask yourself:

• What do I want?
• How will I pursue it?
• What will I do first?
• What will I do next?

We talked about vantage point and perspective...I use this idea often because it’s a reminder that your perspective plays a key role in success and failure. Stepping back and looking at the situation with a broader view will help you see all the moving parts. I like to think of it as climbing up on a mountain top and looking down. Here, from this vantage point, you can see potential roadblocks or new clear avenues. Anytime you feel rushed, uncertain, or overwhelmed. Take a pause, then a step back to consider the bigger picture. 

 

What you really need is a change—a change of perspective. I found 7 ideas from Jeff Miller on theincrementallife.com

• Ask for help
• Walk away
• Start over
• Overhaul your routine
• Broaden you horizons
• Break out of your two-dimensional view
• Ask someone else to take the lead

In a quiet space, with time to yourself, start writing down all the things you are passionate about. This can include big broad strokes like; children, the elderly, gardening, entertaining, health & wellness….and so on.

 

Now, start exploring these ideas by taking each one and digging deeper: 

• What feels like a hobby vs a job? 
• How much time do you want to invest? 
• Will there be a financial investment you will need to make? 
• How does this idea algin with your goals, and current lifestyle?

 

Preparation is an important key to success. Every moment unknown is uncertain. Don’t use this undetermined time as a reason to go idle in the pursuit of your goals. Every step forward is a step in the right direction and you can start today. Climb up to that higher vantage point and spend some time exploring all your options. 

 

CHALLENGE: see the challenge in uncertainty and harness your power to change your perspective. Explore opportunities while searching your heart for guidance. Plan, prepare, and procure - you will be happy you did!

 

I Know YOU Can Do It!

Setting Boundaries With Fences Not Walls

SHOW NOTES:

On this show…. we are talking about boundaries; the need for them, how to establish them, and how to communicate your expectations for them. Creating and maintaining healthy boundaries is all about communication. It starts with you and it ends with you. We would all like to be free to nurture our mind, body, & spirit without the fear of attack. Boundaries give you space and freedom to safely move around and grow. Imagine a hula-hoop. We are going to use this visual to demonstrate space, not literal space but figuratively. You are in the center of your hula-hoop. You have free space all around you before you hit the edge. Comfortable there? Good. Stay in your hula-hoop and we will work through keeping everyone else in there’s. Ready build fences instead of walls?

You communicate, through your actions, how you want to be treated, and how you plan to treat others. Let’s dive into this concept because it’s two-sided. 

We talk about both concepts - how you treat yourself and how you communicate the way you want others to treat you.

Great visual for why you overextend yourself when helping others: Imagine a horizontal line. Draw a vertical line at the midway point. Now, there is 50% on either side of that vertical line. If you go over the line, doing your 50 and then 30 more, you can put a marker at 80%. That leaves 20% left for the other person to do. Twenty percent is a cake-walk. 100% reward with only 20% effort - that’s something anyone could get comfortable with. 

The big question is not why are people are taking you for granted but why you feel the need to do 30% more?

Not sure if you are giving too much? Shawn M. Burn Ph.D. with 12 Signs That You're Giving Too Much for Psychology Today

Not sure you can figure out how to stop? Dr Sheri Jacobson - How to Stop Giving Too Much in a Relationship

Good stuff on saying NO: 

Saying NO can be the elephant in the room and create an awkward exchange if you let it. But effectively saying no can be one of the most gentle boundaries that can be appreciated by both parties. 

First, let’s get comfortable with the word as we set some guidelines:

NO lying

NO excuses

NO emotions

NO defenses

NO negotiation

NO buts

Just NO.

You are asked for something that you don’t want to do or give and you respond…” I would love to help you out but I can’t”...silence. “That sounds like fun but I can’t make it”...silence. “I  would really like to be there for you but I will have to say no”...silence.

By being clear and decisively answering the question, you established your boundary. When you make excuses, negotiate, or end with a but….you leave the door open for discussion and manipulation. The biggest hurdle is the feeling of disappointing someone but in all honesty, disappointing yourself should be your number one concern. When you say NO it frees the person asking to set their sights on another alternative. When you bend or recant, it keeps them prodding you until they get the answer they want.

Let’s figure out how to move forward with a few extra tips: Abigail Brenner M.D. - 7 Tips to Create Healthy Boundaries with Others

CHALLENGE: Look in the mirror to come face-to-face with your own wants, needs, and desires. Change your narrative and realize you are worth the effort. Lead by example and communicate a healthy boundary that uses fences instead of walls.

 

I Know YOU Can Do It!

Finding & Embracing the Support You Need

SHOW NOTES:

On this show, we talked about support; understanding when you need it, recognizing when you can offer it, and being open enough to embrace it all. Many believe we have the power to manage our lives and our emotions very logically and systematically. The more you put it the more the payoff. You work hard and you get a big reward. Then life throws you a curveball, something you never saw coming, and you realize, no amount of preparation or sweat equity could help you easily turn this thing around. You need help. Admitting that is the most important step and definitely the hardest one. You feel like a failure because you weren’t able to manage life’s ups & downs on your own. In your mind, you are the only one who waved the white flag. 

Recognizing you need help comes from being honest with yourself and in honesty, understanding your limitations. These could be physical limitations or emotional and they might be so closely intertwined that you can’t recognize the difference.

Stress happens. In fact, stress is perfectly normal and, in some cases, even beneficial.

John Rampton talks about 4 ways to deal with the stress of being overwhelmed without shutting down in an article for Entrepreneur. 

John covers the effects of chronic stress and 4 ways to work through it.

1. Remember: This too shall pass.
2. Increase oxygen flow.
3. Prioritize and delegate.
4. Shift your focus.

Whether you're afraid someone will laugh at you for being incompetent, or you just can't admit to yourself that you don't have it all handled, asking for help can be hard. It can be embarrassing, too—especially if you feel like everyone else is keeping up and you're the only one falling behind.

Whether you're embarrassed to talk to your doctor about your depression, or you're scared to tell your boss you don't understand a project, the longer you put off asking for help, the worse your problem may become.

I found 5 Things to Remember When You're Embarrassed to Ask for Help from Amy Morin, LCSW for Psychology Today

1. Admitting you need help is a sign of strength, not weakness.
2. Getting help can save you a lot of time and aggravation.
3. Seeking assistance gives others an opportunity to serve you.
4. You aren't the only one struggling.
5. Asking for help can make you more comfortable in your own skin.

I talk about my own experience with support groups and starting my own over two years ago: ...Sharing your struggles is a way to receive support without directly asking for help. It gives you a chance to connect and bond in experience and understanding with people you might have no other reason to connect with.  When we keep our experiences and our feelings about those negative or positive to ourselves, we tend to blur, exaggerate, add grandeur, or downplay what actually happened. These memories play over and over again in your mind and it’s natural that some facts could get forgotten or rosier endings are added. Giving an account to another trusted individual and help you work through these memories with accuracy which could, in turn, help you categorize these experiences differently. 

But what if, despite what everyone says, you still feel alone? Well, I found 11 Things to Do When You Feel Like You Don't Have Anybody by Sarah Schuster for The Mighty. 

1. Find a Facebook group for people who share a common interest.
2. Turn to a pet or spend time with animals.
3. Join a book club.
4. Find a support group.
5. Meet up with people through Meetup.
6. Start volunteering.
7. Find a buddy through The Buddy Project
8. Connect with someone on 7 Cups.
9. If you’re on Twitter, check out supportive mental health hashtags.
10. Use The Mighty’s #CheckInWithMe hashtag.
11. Be your own best advocate.

Whether it’s emotional, physical, financial, or spiritual, ask. You don’t have to dream up an elaborate excuse to justify your needs. Be specific with your ask.  Life is about give and take and each of use will give and reciprocate at one point or another. 

CHALLENGE: Don’t try to go it alone. Life is challenging and help is just an ask away. Be willing to embrace love and support as you would give the same. Share with another person to create a strong and encouraging network.

 

I Know YOU Can Do It! 

Releasing Fear As A Factor

SHOW NOTES:

Fear, rational or irrational, is real. How you feel, justified or not, is important, to you so it’s worth exploring. Having fear is one thing but being controlled by fear is definitely different. Think about your fears right now. These could be fears that you were alerted to today and fears that you’ve carried around a lifetime. What kind of role do they play in your life? Fear can be exciting and fear can be paralyzing. On this show, we are going to be talking about all aspects of this natural reaction, how to harness these emotions, and how to overcome their power.

I’m going to share two of mine. Both are pretty irrational but to me, they seem uncontrollable. I HATE JUNE BUGS. I don’t like any bugs really but June bugs are particularly unpredictable. You know, you’re outside, enjoying a lovely summer evening. Bugs are out and minding their own business or so you thought. Then without any warning, BAM, one comes out of nowhere and it is buried in your hair. So buried that you become a raving lunatic trying to get it out. Can you picture it? I can and it’s making my skin crawl just thinking about it. 

My Father always assured me that I am so so much bigger than that little bug and their’s no way it’s going to hurt me. And as logical as that sounds my fear is overwhelming.

Ok, now #2 might be even harder to believe. Hi, my name is Kendall and I’m afraid of balloons.  "Giant fun ruiner party of one your table’s ready!" Imagine my poor kiddos faces when I told the hostess to skip the balloons at the table and there is no need suggesting picking one up as we rode home. Being trapped in a car with one was out of the question.

This might be a good time to talk about what does afraid actually mean in this instance. Of course, I’ve done the math, what could possibly go wrong. What am I actually afraid of, the pop? I’m not sure but all I know is I’m very uncomfortable being around balloons. They cause me to be distracted wondering where they are going to waff to next. I don’t like the sound of them being twisted so balloon art is out. Mylar ones are the worst because as they lose steam they are way more elusive and even follow you around. 

What is the difference between fears and phobias? I found some invaluable advice in an article for helpguide.org from Melinda Smith, M.A., Robert Segal, M.A., and Jeanne Segal, Ph.D.

What is a phobia? Almost everyone has an irrational fear or two—of spiders, for example, or your annual dental checkup. For most people, these fears are minor. But when fears become so severe that they cause tremendous anxiety and interfere with your normal life, they’re called phobias.

A phobia is an intense fear of something that, in reality, poses little or no actual danger. Common phobias and fears include closed-in places, heights, highway driving, flying insects, snakes, and needles. However, you can develop phobias of virtually anything. While most phobias develop in childhood, they can also develop in later life.

Understanding your phobia is the first step to overcoming it. It’s important to know that phobias are common. (Having a phobia doesn’t mean you’re crazy!) It also helps to know that phobias are highly treatable. No matter how out of control it feels right now, you can overcome your anxiety and fear and start living the life you want.

Self-help strategies and therapy can both be effective at treating a phobia. What’s best for you depends on factors such as the severity of your phobia, your access to professional therapy, and the amount of support you need.

As a general rule, self-help is always worth a try. The more you can do for yourself, the more in control you’ll feel—which goes a long way when it comes to phobias and fears.

We dig into:

Tip 1: Face your fears, one step at a time
Tip 2: Learn to calm down quickly
Tip 3: Challenge negative thoughts about your phobia

What about fears that are situational, temporary, or suggested. Words are powerful and marketers learned long ago, the power of suggestion well ….is powerful! On this show, we look at the power of the media to influence and elicit fear.

In an age of information overload, is everything you hear, see, or read, good for you? Could too much information be damaging the way we perceive the world and our place in it? How can you safely glean what you need to stay informed while creating a healthy boundary to protect yourself from the rest?

Is it healthy to hear the good but mostly the bad and ugly 24 hours a day?  I found a very interesting article for psychology today called If It Bleeds, It Leads Understanding Fear-Based Media by Deborah Serani Psy.D

News is a money-making industry. One that doesn't always make the goal to report the facts accurately. Gone are the days of tuning in to be informed straightforwardly about local and national issues. In truth, watching the news can be a psychologically risky pursuit, which could undermine your mental and physical health.

News programming uses a hierarchy of if it bleeds, it leads. Fear-based news programming has two aims. The first is to grab the viewer's attention. In the news media, this is called the teaser. The second aim is to persuade the viewer that the solution for reducing the identified fear will be in the news story. If a teaser asks, "What's in your tap water that YOU need to know about?" a viewer will likely tune in to get the up-to-date information to ensure safety.

It's been said that fear-based media has become a staple of popular culture. The distressing fall-out from this trend is that children and adults who are exposed to media are more likely than others to

• Feel that their neighborhoods and communities are unsafe
• Believe that crime rates are rising
• Overestimate their odds of becoming a victim
• Consider the world to be a dangerous place

Releasing fear is not as easy as deciding this is the last day you’re going to be afraid. It’s a great declaration and one that needs to be made, but that’s just the start. Next, you have to be willing to face the fear, challenge it, try to adopt new coping strategies, and stay consistent. You have to want freedom more than you want to be afraid.

SHARE THIS SHOW with a friend show who needs to hear that their fears are real and there is hope to overcome them.

CHALLENGE: Evaluate each fear to uncover the source. Don’t accept defeat but realize you can assert your authority and make real changes in your life. You deserve peace, freedom, and all the power that is available to you. 

 

I Know YOU Can Do It!

Who Needs Jelly When You Have Jam?

Are you tired of feeling like you’re never good enough? Let’s not beat around the bush here, keeping up with the Jones is exhausting not to mention, completely unfulfilling. Just when you feel like you’ve arrived, you find out that where you are is only halfway there. You are NEVER there! How can you relax and enjoy life when you always feel like you’re behind, trying to get somewhere; anywhere? Well, you can’t. And you can’t run fast enough to catch up with the Jones and if you did catch them you would find out they are trying to catch the Smiths and they aren’t happy either. Ready to celebrate now, dream about later, and plan for tomorrow?

I guess I should explain the title of this show. Who needs jelly when you have, jam? This started as a literal question and then inspired a more metaphorical idea. I was making a PBJ, yep it came to me that literally. I love jam but in the past, Matt has bought jelly. I’m not a fan. It’s too gelatinous and doesn’t spread at all. It’s weak and just leaves lumps all over your bread. I’ve recently discovered whipped peanut butter which could be a topic in and of itself but it would be a shame to plop some grape jelly on top of smooth peanutty goodness. Now jam, that’s my jam! It’s full of fruit, spreads like a dream, and is packed with flavor. So while constructing my sandwich, I said out loud, “who needs jelly when you have jam?” 

I’m serious. Was jam not delicious enough for the kings and queens that they requested a more subpar version? I did a little research, well let’s just say, a little more than I should have ever done. Jam dates back to the crusades and jelly, made from fruit juice, sugar, and gelatin came much later and was heavily consumed by the military during the war. 

At any rate, the metaphorical entry into this conundrum is this; why wasn’t jam good enough? Rich and pure, a sweet way to deliver fruit, why mess with a good thing? When will we be happy with who we are? When will we be able to say we are good enough just like we are without the pressure to reinvent? 

Self-acceptance is a tough but important subject and a critical part of our journey to self-discovery. When we talk about accepting ourselves just the way we are, we’re not talking about dismissing growth and evolution. We are talking about loving yourself today without the…..yeah but notion. Yeah, I love myself….but. 

You could choke on the sheer volume of inspirational memes flooding our social feeds telling us to Love thyself, #selflove, You are beautiful just the way you, keep calm and carry on. Don’t get me wrong, those are lovely sentiments, but do you believe them? What do you tell yourself when no one is listening? When you get up in the morning and are getting ready for the day, what internal dialogue is playing out in your head?

We can fake it with false personas showing the world we have it all together. Strong, confident, driven, and full of life but when we are alone, do we buy into something much different. 

We’ve all heard the term, fake it until you make it. But let’s push back; when do you make it? What constitutes, making it? Instead, you get so comfortable with faking it that you forget to make it. This just becomes another false persona. Underneath you are just as insecure as yesterday. 

Maybe the Jones are faking it and don’t even get me started about the Smiths! 

I spent the better part of my 20’s, 30’s, and even 40’s trying to get somewhere. I invested all my energy in to climbing the career ladder and raising children. When I look back to find me, the real me, in all of it, I’m hard to locate. Of course, I wouldn’t trade it for the world, and a healthy balance of family, work, and self-care at age 30 might be the unicorn of all requests. 

There is a good reason you don’t figure it all out until you are older. If you did you might have taken a much easier path.  The challenge was in figuring it all out. Now it’s time to shift your focus, unpack some of the pressure, and find the real you. Open the door and let yourself be exposed to new ideas, challenges, and freedom. 

Being happy with who you are is different than being content with where you are. I love to set goals and brainstorm creative new ideas. Do I have to have something to shoot for to…..be happy? Could I be content just being where I am today? 

Never stop learning and growing, it’s a part of the necessary evolution for your journey. But instead of looking at what someone has that you don’t, look at them. We can learn so much from each other if we take the time to listen. Get past pleasantries and for goodness sake, don’t talk about the weather. Unless you are both farmers or concerned about an outdoor event you both will be attending, avoid this stale, and overused conversation starter. Now, if you want to find gratitude and start the ball rolling, appreciating the blessing of a beautiful season then by all means! 

But spend some time talking and catching up with old friends, exploring what makes them who they are, and finding opportunities to meet new people. So many of us feel alone in our pain or experiences but you would be surprised who can empathize and even sympathize with what you’re growing through.

Your life is far too valuable to waste chasing material possessions. Find joy today by choosing to pursue “better,” rather than “more.” Treasure your relationships, not your possessions. Your connections will be your most valued treasures. Your jam! Stop searching for the jelly and overlook what or who is right in front of you.

CHALLENGE: Don’t waste a second feeling behind or overshadowed. You have everything you need and it’s enough. Pursue happiness through contentment and your relationships with others. Treasure your uniqueness, it’s your jam!

 

I Know YOU Can Do It!

 

Resources:
Ash Rao for thriveglobal.com
Leo Babauta writes about the Incredible Power of Contentment for zenhabits.com
Barsha Nag Bhowmick  for Times of India