Encouragementology

The Value of Community: Building, Belonging, and Blooming Together

SHOW NOTES:

On this show…we are building, belonging, and blooming together as we explore and celebrate, the value of community. When you think of the word ‘community,’ what comes to mind? Is it a neighborhood, a friend group, or maybe something you long for but haven’t found yet? If the self-proclaimed “loner” still needs to feel connected and supported. People need people. The popular song sheds some valuable insight: We're children, needing other children and yet letting a grown-up pride hide all the need inside.

So let’s talk about community—the people who lift you up, laugh at your bad jokes, and sometimes even remind you to take down your trash. Community isn’t just a nice-to-have; it’s a life-changing, soul-nourishing, growth-accelerating gift. Whether it’s your ride-or-die crew, a group of neighbors, or a virtual squad cheering you on from afar, we all need a tribe. Don’t have one? No problem! You can start your own—it’s easier than you think and way more fun than going it alone.

In this episode, we’ll explore why community matters, how to spot a good one (or a bad one), and how finding your people can help you truly bloom. Because life’s too short to be lonely—let’s build something beautiful together!

Jenny Anderson shares some advice on The only metric of success that really matters is the one we ignore found on Quartz

At Conscious Mommy I found Building a Conscious Village:  Connection When You’re Feeling Lonely

On the Dare to Do YouTube channel, I found The Pencil's Tale - a story that everyone should hear

Ever got sucked into a toxic community? Detecting and avoiding a toxic community requires awareness of behaviors, patterns, and overall group dynamics. Here are some ways to identify and steer clear of toxic environments:

Signs of a Toxic Community

1. Lack of Respect or Boundaries:

• Members disregard personal boundaries, gossip, or belittle others.
• Communication is often passive-aggressive or openly hostile.

 

• Negative Energy and Drama:

• Frequent conflicts, constant complaints, or pervasive negativity dominate interactions.
• People focus on tearing others down rather than lifting them up.

 

• Exclusion and Cliques:

• Some members are deliberately excluded, creating a sense of “in-group” versus “out-group.”
• Newcomers or outsiders are treated with suspicion or disdain.

 

• Excessive Control:

• Leaders or prominent members exert control, demanding loyalty or conformity.
• There is little room for differing opinions or individuality.

 

• Unhealthy Competition:

• Members are pitted against each other or judged based on unrealistic standards.
• Success is envied rather than celebrated, fostering resentment.

 

• Physical or Emotional Drain:

• Interactions leave you feeling anxious, upset, or drained rather than supported or empowered.
• A sense of obligation to stay outweighs genuine enjoyment.

 

How to Avoid or Leave Toxic Communities

 

• Set Personal Boundaries:

• Be clear about what behaviors you will and won’t tolerate. Practice saying no when necessary.

 

• Observe Before Joining:

• Take time to assess a group’s dynamics before committing. Observe how members treat one another and handle disagreements.

 

• Seek Positive Attributes:

• Look for communities with mutual respect, empathy, and inclusivity.
• Find groups that share your values and encourage growth.

 

• Reflect on How You Feel:

• Regularly evaluate how the community impacts your mental and emotional health. If it’s consistently negative, consider stepping away.

 

• Speak Up or Address Issues:

• If you’re invested in the group, try addressing the toxic behavior directly or with leaders. However, recognize when change is unlikely.

 

• Focus on Building or Joining Healthy Communities:

• Seek out groups aligned with your interests, where people share goals of positivity, support, and mutual respect.
• Consider starting your own community with values you prioritize, such as open communication and collaboration.

CHALLENGE: Step into the power of community by surrounding yourself with people who inspire, challenge, and uplift you—because the connections you nurture today will shape your happiness, health, and purpose tomorrow!

 

I Know YOU Can Do It!

The Power of Influence: Recognizing What Shapes Us and Taking Control

SHOW NOTES:

On this show…we are exploring the power of influence, recognizing what shapes us, and taking back control. We have all been bombarded with messaging asking, begging, and sometimes coercing us to think, feel, and take action. Where do your own thoughts hide in the midst of such assaults? Influence as a pervasive force in our lives that can shape our choices, our mindset, and even our identity. It can feel like a current—sometimes it gently guides us, but other times it’s strong enough to sweep us off our feet. The key is in recognizing where influence is coming from and deciding how much power to give it. Let’s take a big breathe here and make a commitment to unpack, resort, and purge some influencing ideas that no longer serve us in a positive way. 

Influence is more than just peer pressure; it’s subtle and can come from various sources—family, friends, social media, society, our inner dialogue, and even our environment. 

• A close friend’s advice feels comforting but can sometimes lead you down their path instead of yours.
• Social media trends can push you to buy, think, or act in ways you normally wouldn’t.
• Influence of a mentor or a loved one can impactfully shape your values and ambitions.

Tyler Jensen, a psychotherapist,  sheds some light on The Allure of Negativity: Why Our Brains Are Drawn to It

At Knowledge of Wharton, I found ‘Invisible Influence’: What Really Shapes Our Decisions, an interview with the author Jonah Berger

On Simon Sinek’s YouTube channel, as always, I found some wise words  on How to Stop Holding Yourself Back

1. Develop Media Literacy and Mindful Consumption

• Pause and Evaluate: Before you engage with media (whether it’s news, social media, or entertainment), take a moment to reflect on what you’re about to consume. Ask yourself why you’re choosing this source, and consider whether it aligns with your values or goals.
• Question the Source: Develop a habit of asking, “Who created this, and what might be their motivation?” For example, consider whether a brand, influencer, or network could have hidden interests. Recognizing potential biases helps you stay in control of how you interpret information.

2. Limit Exposure to Influential Sources

• Set Boundaries: If you notice certain media or social media accounts lead to self-doubt, stress, or unhealthy comparison, consider unfollowing, muting, or setting a time limit on those platforms.
• Curate Positive Influences: Choose to follow people, brands, and organizations that support your goals, align with your values, and inspire you in constructive ways. Make it a rule to engage with content that adds positivity and growth to your life.

3. Strengthen Your Core Values

• Define Your Values: Reflect on what’s truly important to you, whether it’s integrity, creativity, kindness, learning, or independence. When you have a solid sense of your core values, it becomes easier to recognize when outside influence aligns or conflicts with them.
• Regularly Revisit Goals and Priorities: Set aside time each month to revisit your goals. Are you on track with what you want, or have you drifted because of external pressures? Realigning with your values keeps you grounded in your personal vision.

4. Practice Self-Questioning to Uncover Hidden Influence

• Ask Yourself Key Questions:
  • “Why do I want to do this?” This question can help you determine if a choice truly aligns with your desires or if it’s an idea you’ve absorbed from others.
  • “How do I feel about this?” Checking in with your feelings lets you see if you’re enthusiastic, uneasy, or pressured—emotions that reveal whether your decision is authentic.
  • “What would I do if no one else were watching?” Imagine you’re free of anyone’s opinion or judgment to help identify choices that are truly your own.

5. Build Confidence in Your Own Voice

• Challenge Yourself to Act on Your Opinions: Start with small decisions where you rely solely on your own thoughts. For example, choose an outfit based on your preference, pick a book that genuinely interests you, or make weekend plans based on what would make you happiest.
• Engage in Conversations with an Open Mind: Practice sharing your perspective in discussions, even if it’s different from others. Engaging with diverse opinions while sticking to your viewpoint can help build resilience and confidence in your own voice.

6. Create a Supportive Inner Circle

• Surround Yourself with Encouragers: Choose friends, mentors, and family members who respect your individuality and encourage you to make decisions that feel true to you. A supportive circle will uplift and validate you, rather than pressuring you to conform.
• Find Accountability Partners: Identify someone who’s also working on taking control of their influences and check in with each other. Share your progress, any struggles, and celebrate wins together to help reinforce each other’s growth.

7. Practice Self-Compassion and Flexibility

• Recognize that Influence is Natural: Understand that we’re all influenced by our environments. Self-compassion can prevent you from feeling guilty if you realize you’ve been swayed in a direction you didn’t want. Instead, view it as an opportunity to learn and readjust.
• Be Open to Change: Sometimes, testing your perspective means you might genuinely change your opinion. That’s a sign of growth. The goal is to ensure that any changes reflect your evolving self rather than fleeting external pressures.

CHALLENGE: Remember, influence is a force we all experience, but it doesn’t have to control us. Recognize what’s guiding your path, decide what you want to allow in, and remember that you have the power to steer your own journey.

 

I Know YOU Can Do It!

Navigating Feelings: Finding Balance Between Empathy and Self-Reflection

SHOW NOTES:

On this show…we will be navigating feelings as we try to find a balance between empathy and self-reflection. How are you feeling? How do those feelings impact another person’s feelings? Can you feel what another person is feeling? Are you as confused as I am by this line of questioning? Well, today, we’re diving into the world of feelings—yes, that deep, squishy part of being human! We live in a culture that champions the importance of respecting feelings, which is awesome…but sometimes we can get so wrapped up in our feelings that we forget to take a peek at the other side of the coin. What happens when we’re hyper-focused on our own emotions? Could we be missing out on understanding someone else’s? Let’s explore the fine art of balancing self-reflection with empathy, of making room for our own feelings and those of the people around us. It’s all about connecting, growing, and creating more ‘aha’ moments in our relationships—with a little bit of humor, honesty, and a lot of heart along the way!

When I was growing up, the question, ‘How do you feel?’ had a whole different vibe. It was usually about the basics—are you hot, cold, tired, or maybe just a little hungry? When it came to health, the answer was usually straightforward: sick or not. If you were really under the weather, maybe you’d get a day at home or a trip to the nurse’s office. Simple. But today, that question has become a lot more nuanced. Now, asking ‘How do you feel?’ can open up a world of responses, as unique and layered as each person who answers it.

Don’t get me wrong, a focus on exploring more about feelings has helped normalize mental health discussions, reduced stigma, and empowered people to speak openly about their struggles. It has illuminated the need for self-awareness, stress management, and setting boundaries. However, focusing too much on personal feelings can sometimes limit our ability to connect empathetically with others. It can even contribute to misunderstandings in relationships if one person is more focused on expressing their own feelings versus listening to understand someone else’s emotional struggles.

Ever heard of emotional myopia – when we see only our own emotional perspective and may inadvertently neglect the feelings of others?

Martha Beck starts this discussion with Seeing Your Emotional Blind Spots found on her blog

At Everyday Speach I found an angle we need to cover; Understanding Others: The Importance of Perspective-Taking

At the Worry Games, Lisa Branson shares another perspective on Why You Should Stop Focusing on Your Feelings

On TEDx Talks I found some wise information on Validation,and communication through Empathy by Naomi Feil

 

Recognizing when someone is playing on our emotions to push their own agenda can be tricky, but there are a few red flags that can help us stay aware:

1. Intense Emotional Appeal

• If someone is leaning heavily into emotions—guilt, pity, anger, or fear—without much substance or reason behind it, it’s a sign they might be trying to sway you emotionally rather than engaging in a balanced conversation. Notice if they’re frequently amplifying emotional language or using words designed to make you feel extreme sympathy or urgency.

2. Lack of Listening and Empathy

• People pushing an agenda will often avoid giving space to your feelings, opinions, or questions. If they dominate the conversation, rarely let you speak, or dismiss your perspective when you do, it’s a red flag. Genuine conversations include active listening; if it feels one-sided, trust that instinct.

3. Deflection and Manipulation of Responsibility

• When you try to express your own emotions or viewpoints, do they quickly shift the topic back to their own concerns or play down your feelings? Manipulators often turn things around to make you feel responsible for their emotions, a tactic to keep the focus on themselves and their goals.

4. Inconsistent Narratives or Exaggerations

• Listen for inconsistencies or exaggerated claims that don’t add up. Manipulators may bend the truth or overemphasize details to paint themselves in a certain light or to steer you toward a specific reaction. If something seems “off” or overly dramatic, trust your gut.

5. Pressure to Make Quick Decisions

• People pushing an agenda often create a sense of urgency, pressuring you to act or decide quickly. They know that when we’re rushed, we’re less likely to question or analyze their motives. Pausing and asking for time to think it over is often the best way to get clarity.

6. Using Past Events as Emotional Leverage

• Manipulators might bring up past events or your own vulnerabilities to make you feel indebted to them or guilty. They might even use their past generosity or sacrifices as leverage, nudging you to go along with their wishes. This type of guilt-tripping is a clear sign they’re trying to steer your emotions to benefit their narrative.

7. Trust Your Gut

• Sometimes, the simplest way to recognize manipulation is by trusting your own feelings. If you feel drained, confused, or somehow “off” after talking with them, this might be your intuition signaling that their intentions aren’t fully in your best interest.

By keeping an eye out for these signs, you can protect your emotional space and engage with people on your own terms, setting boundaries and staying true to your values.

CHALLENGE: Look beyond your own feelings and consider the bigger picture—what are others experiencing, and how can you make space for that? By balancing self-reflection with empathy, you can create deeper, more meaningful connections that benefit everyone involved.

 

I Know YOU Can Do It!

Shocking Truth: How Media’s Shock and Awe Keeps Us on High Alert and Weakens Our Instincts

SHOW NOTES:

On this show…we are exploring the shocking truth about how the media’s shock and awes keep us on high alert but in actuality, weaken our instincts. Have you ever heard of the tale of Henny Penny? It’s a classic Scandinavian folktale where a little chick named Henny Penny gets hit on the head by a falling acorn and panics, believing that the sky itself is falling. Determined to warn the king, Henny Penny sets off on a journey, gathering other animals along the way who are also swept up in the hysteria. However, they eventually meet a clever fox who pretends to join their mission but instead lures them to its den—where it ends up eating them all. And that’s the abrupt, cautionary end of their story! OUCH.

Ever feel like you’re bombarded with so much shocking news that it’s hard to know what’s an actual emergency? Kind of like poor Henny Penny, who thought the sky was falling over a little acorn! In this episode, we’re diving into what happens when the media’s constant “shock and awe” leaves us in a state of constant worry, always braced for disaster. We’ll explore how this can wear us down and dull our true instincts, and most importantly, we’ll uncover ways to take back our peace, sharpen our intuition, and add a little calm to our daily lives. Let’s get grounded and learn to spot the real acorns from the falling skies—no foxes allowed!

I could have started by pandering today’s headlines but to be honest, I didn’t want to throw any more fuel on the inferno. I also know it’s easy to look to a “simpler” past by saying, “Back in my day we had three channels….and you had to get up to turn them.” But that kind of angle isn’t going to grab the youth of today.  So let’s just consult the hard-core facts. I wanted to look at a thirty-year span so we could see how our consumption in America has changed over the past three decades.

On the Cleveland Clinic’s website, I found information about the biology of Always on Alert: Causes and Examples of Hypervigilance

Carolyn L Todd gives us some Stressful News Cycle Tips: 13 Ways to Protect Your Mental Health found on Self 

Over at Big Think’s YouTube channel, Alex Edmans helps you Improve your critical thinking skills in just 6 minutes

When we get used to constant alarming headlines and alerts, it can really mess with our ability to spot real danger when it actually matters. Here’s how:

1. Slower Response in Emergencies:

• When we’re bombarded with “urgent” information all the time, we start tuning it out—even if it’s important. It’s like hearing a fire alarm but thinking, “Eh, probably another drill.” This can lead us to hesitate or ignore real emergencies, which can be risky in critical situations.

2. Difficulty Telling Real Risks from Fake Ones:

• After a while, it becomes hard to figure out what’s an actual threat and what’s just noise. We might freak out over something minor but brush off something serious, which is not exactly ideal if we want to keep ourselves safe.

3. Health Burnout:

• Constant alerts and stress keep us in a high-stress state, which isn’t good for anyone. When we’re always on edge, our bodies start to wear down—anxiety, high blood pressure, poor sleep, you name it. Eventually, we get so used to that stress that we become numb, and when something real happens, our bodies may not respond with the urgency we actually need.

4. Community Safety Slips:

• Desensitization can even affect a whole community. If everyone starts to shrug off warnings, we can end up ignoring things like severe weather alerts or health warnings. This makes it easier for emergencies to do real damage because no one takes the steps they should to stay safe.

5. Weaker Instincts and Slower Decision-Making:

• Constant worry over everything can mess with our survival instincts. When we’re overloaded, it becomes harder to think clearly and react quickly. We can lose that sharp sense of what’s actually dangerous and what’s not, which messes with our natural ability to make quick, smart choices.

6. More Apathy and Helplessness:

• Ever feel like there’s just too much going on to make a difference? The more we’re bombarded by negativity, the more likely we are to feel helpless. And when that sets in, we’re less likely to step up when it actually counts or get involved in efforts that could make a positive change.

7. Normalizing Risky Behavior:

• Over time, constant exposure to stories about danger or violence can make risky behavior seem normal. We might find ourselves being a bit too casual with things like safety precautions or risky habits because they don’t seem like a big deal anymore.

This desensitization isn’t just about personal safety—it affects whole communities. Breaking out of it means setting some boundaries on our media intake, staying connected to the present, and making a conscious effort to focus on what we can control. That way, we’re not only ready for real emergencies but also a lot less stressed out in general.

CHALLENGE: Break free from the echo chamber—take a step back, question your sources, and seek out new perspectives that might surprise you. By doing this, you’re empowering yourself to see the world in a fuller, richer way, staying curious, informed, and open-minded!

 

I Know YOU Can Do It!

Leadership is Not Just a Title; It’s an Attitude

SHOW NOTES:

On this show…we are embracing leadership as an attitude and not just as a title. Maybe you’re a CEO, VP, or Director and maybe you don’t hold a title at all. Either way, you are a leader. You don’t need a corner office or fancy title to lead; all you need is a little courage and a lot of self-belief. It’s all about finding your voice and stepping into your power, whether you’re running a team, working behind the scenes, or just navigating your everyday life. Leadership isn’t about calling the shots—it’s about taking charge of your journey, lifting others up, and being the CEO of your own story.

We’ll explore how you can lead from where you are and talk about how being the “entrepreneur” of your life means setting your own course. It’s time to ditch the idea that leadership is only for a select few—if you’ve got passion, purpose, and a willingness to grow, then congratulations, my friend—you’re already a leader! 

For some people, taking charge comes easily. For me, it was inherent. I can remember times when I stepped up and took charge, times when I was asked, and times when it was assumed. I also remember times when it didn’t always go as planned. There are instances where I find comfort in mentoring and encouraging but not leading and other times where I purposely, take a back seat. What about you? Where are you most comfortable and where would you like to grow? Being a leader is about mindset, whether in a workplace, a community, or your personal life. Everyone has the potential to lead by finding their voice and taking control of their journey.

Matt Mayberry helps us understand that You Don’t Need to Be “the Boss” to Be a Leader found at the Harvard Business Review

Michelle Rees shows us How to Take Ownership of Your Life (and Get Everything You Want) found at Whole Life Challenge

Simon Sinek gives some valuable insight on What Makes a Leader Great? Found on his YouTube channel

Embracing an entrepreneurial spirit is all about thinking like a visionary, taking initiative, and having the courage to pursue new opportunities. Here are some ways to cultivate that mindset in your own life:

1. Adopt a Growth Mindset

• Entrepreneurs are always learning. Instead of fearing failure, see it as a chance to grow. Every challenge or mistake is an opportunity to improve, and this mindset opens doors to new possibilities.

2. Take Initiative

• Stop waiting for permission or perfect timing. Whether it’s in your job, personal life, or side projects, be proactive. Look for opportunities to lead, solve problems, or create something new. The entrepreneurial spirit thrives on taking action.

3. Set Big Goals and Break Them Down

• Entrepreneurs dream big, but they know that success doesn’t happen overnight. Set ambitious goals, but break them into smaller, manageable steps. This keeps you focused and motivated while building momentum.

4. Be Comfortable with Risk

• To think like an entrepreneur, you’ve got to get comfortable with uncertainty. Not every idea will succeed, and that’s okay. Take calculated risks, and view them as a necessary part of innovation and growth.

5. Get Creative with Problem-Solving

• Entrepreneurs don’t just accept problems—they find creative solutions. Train yourself to think outside the box. When something doesn’t go according to plan, instead of throwing in the towel, ask yourself, “What’s another way to approach this?”

6. Embrace Failure as a Learning Experience

• Entrepreneurs see failure as feedback. Don’t let setbacks stop you—learn from them. Whether it’s a botched presentation or a business idea that didn’t take off, each “failure” is a stepping stone toward success.

7. Network and Collaborate

• Entrepreneurs know the power of connection. Surround yourself with people who inspire you, challenge you, and push you to be better. Collaboration sparks new ideas and can lead to exciting opportunities.

8. Stay Flexible and Adaptable

• The entrepreneurial spirit thrives on flexibility. Be willing to pivot when things change or new opportunities arise. If plan A doesn’t work, entrepreneurs are already thinking of plan B (and C, and D).

9. Cultivate Passion and Purpose

• Entrepreneurship isn’t just about making money—it’s about passion. Find what excites you and pursue it with enthusiasm. Having a sense of purpose fuels persistence and keeps you going even when the road gets tough.

10. Celebrate Small Wins

• Entrepreneurship is a journey, and it’s important to celebrate the milestones along the way. Recognize your progress, no matter how small, because it keeps you motivated and energized for the bigger goals ahead.

CHALLENGE: It’s time to step up and take charge—be the leader of your own life by finding your voice, embracing risks, and turning challenges into opportunities. Remember, leadership is an attitude, not a title, and you have the power to create the path you want!

 

I Know YOU Can Do It!

Beyond Offense: The Power of Perspective

SHOW NOTES:

On this show…we are making the effort to get beyond the offense as we seek the power of perspective. Are you quick to react and to respond, in hindsight, before you have all the information or fully understand the intent of the question or comment? This might be a hard question to answer most of this behavior is automatic and without prior thought. Reactive behavior often refers to an immediate response to feelings about an uncontrollable situation, a problem, or other issue. Being easily offended can often shut down meaningful dialogue and block personal growth. We’ve all been there, whether it’s an offhanded comment or even something that feels more intentional and targeted. Think back to an instance you’ve faced. Did you react in a way that kept the dialogue going, asking good questions to understand the comment or question fully? Or, did you respond quickly, maybe even aggressively, shutting it down and removing yourself from the equation?  Either way, let’s broaden our thinking as we focus on how reactionary offense often overlooks the context, intent, or deeper meaning behind someone’s words or actions. Instead of retreating into defensiveness, we’ll approach differing views with curiosity and openness, maintaining confidence in our own beliefs while seeking to understand the other side.

Whether you’re discussing religion, politics, or any number of social issues, today feels like we have adopted an us versus them mindset. We’ve heard terms like, you either stand for something or you stand for nothing, or you’re either with us or against us. This tension is perpetuated by the media leading the listener to choose sides of this camp vs that camp. Each camp remains in a bubble of its own ideas, searching for members that agree, and content that aligns. Once your line has been drawn then any opinion that differs is quickly discounted or worse, labeled as conspiracy. Ouch. With this system, how can you possibly learn and grow? 

So let’s dig into some of these ideas and find strategies to avoid feeling personally attacked and instead focus on understanding where the other person is coming from. To understand why it’s important to leave room for others to express themselves imperfectly, and how patience can lead to deeper understanding. To find common ground and how you can transform conversations from an “us vs. them” mindset into opportunities for connection and growth. And to explore how having confidence in your own beliefs, while staying open to new perspectives, can lead to personal and relational evolution. We better get started!

Bernard J. Luskin kicks it off with The Media Psychology of Gaslighting and Social Change found at Psychology Today

Tony Fahkry shares some ideas around: When We Are Easily Offended, We Close The Door To True Understanding, found on his blog

Ella Powell discusses this very thing in her article; Challenging Opinions Important for Productive Discourse found on the Oberlin Review

 Simon Sinek asks you to Try THIS the Next Time You Have an Uncomfortable Conversation, found on his YouTube channel

Transforming conversations from an “us vs. them” mindset into opportunities for connection and growth requires deliberate strategies that foster mutual understanding and respect. Here are some effective strategies for finding common ground:

1. Shift from Debate to Dialogue

• Focus on conversation, not competition: Instead of trying to “win” or prove your point, approach the discussion as an exchange of ideas where both parties can learn something new. This mindset change encourages openness.
• Ask more questions: Engage with genuine curiosity. By asking, “Can you explain more about how you see this?” you demonstrate a willingness to understand, not just argue.

2. Identify Shared Values or Goals

• Highlight common interests: Look for areas where both parties agree, even if you differ on how to achieve them. For example, if discussing a divisive issue like policy, you might say, “It sounds like we both care about improving our community, even if we see different paths to get there.”
• Focus on universal values: Appeal to values that resonate with everyone, such as fairness, respect, or safety. These can act as touchpoints to ground the conversation in shared human concerns.

3. Acknowledge Valid Points on Both Sides

• Validate where appropriate: Acknowledging that the other person’s perspective has merit can diffuse tension and promote connection. For instance, “I can see why you’d feel that way because…” This shows respect for their viewpoint and encourages reciprocity.
• Recognize complexity: Instead of viewing issues as black-and-white, admit that most topics have nuances. Phrases like, “This is a complex issue, and I see how different experiences could lead to different perspectives,” can open the door to finding middle ground.

4. Practice Active Listening

• Listen to understand, not to respond: Make sure the other person feels heard by fully focusing on what they’re saying instead of planning your rebuttal. You could restate their points to confirm understanding, like, “So what I’m hearing is…”
• Pause before responding: Give yourself a moment to process what’s been said before reacting. This helps prevent defensive replies and keeps the conversation thoughtful.

5. Humanize the Other Side

• Personal stories over abstract arguments: Ask the other person to share personal experiences that shaped their beliefs. Stories make abstract issues feel real and relatable, fostering empathy. Sharing your own experiences can also make your stance more approachable.
• Find out more about their background: By asking, “What experiences have led you to that belief?” you create an environment where personal stories reveal why they think the way they do. This helps you understand their perspective on a deeper level.

6. Reframe the Conflict as a Problem to Solve Together

• Collaborate, don’t compete: Position the conversation as a joint effort to find solutions. Instead of arguing for individual positions, ask, “What do you think would be a good way to move forward that addresses both of our concerns?”
• Use inclusive language: Say “we” and “us” instead of “you” and “them” to remind the other person that you’re both part of the same larger community or working toward a similar goal.

7. Challenge Assumptions, Not Identities

• Focus on ideas, not people: When disagreements arise, critique the ideas or behavior, not the person. Avoid phrases that target identity or values, such as “You’re wrong” or “You always think like that,” and instead say, “This particular idea doesn’t resonate with me because…”
• Avoid stereotyping: Refrain from making assumptions about the other person’s entire belief system based on one viewpoint. Ask clarifying questions to understand the specific nuance behind their opinion.

8. Create a Safe Space for Vulnerability

• Set a respectful tone: Set ground rules for the conversation, ensuring that both parties feel safe to express their views without fear of ridicule. “I want this to be a space where we can explore ideas respectfully. Let’s try to focus on understanding each other.”
• Admit when you’re wrong: If you realize you’ve made a mistake or misunderstood something, admit it openly. This encourages the other person to do the same, making it easier to reach common ground.

9. Look Beyond the Surface Conflict

• Ask “why” to get to deeper concerns: Instead of fixating on surface-level disagreements, probe deeper. Ask, “Why does this matter so much to you?” Often, the underlying concern is something more universal, like security, belonging, or fairness, which can help bridge gaps.
• Avoid binary thinking: When discussing divisive issues, don’t frame the conversation as one person being right and the other wrong. Acknowledge that multiple perspectives can coexist and that it’s possible to hold differing views without being enemies.

10. End on a Positive Note

• Agree to disagree, respectfully: If the conversation doesn’t result in full agreement, that’s okay. It’s important to acknowledge and respect differences while maintaining civility. Ending with, “I appreciate hearing your thoughts, and even though we don’t fully agree, I value this conversation,” preserves the relationship.
• Summarize what you agree on: Before wrapping up, highlight any common points you’ve found. “So we both agree that [shared value], even if we see it differently, that’s a great starting point.”

Bonus Tip: Approach With Humility

• Be willing to learn: Embrace the mindset that every conversation is an opportunity for growth, not a battlefield. Accept that your understanding could evolve through dialogue and be open to revising your views when presented with compelling information or new perspectives.

CHALLENGE: move beyond offense and embrace conversations as opportunities for growth. By listening with curiosity and seeking common ground, you can transform conflict into connection and open the door to deeper understanding.

 

I Know YOU Can Do It!

Happiness: Creating Mine, Respecting Yours, Developing Ours

SHOW NOTES:

On this show…we are exploring how to create happiness within ourselves, how to respect others’ happiness without trying to control it (because let’s face it, that never works), and how to build a collective happiness that lifts us all up. If someone asked you, “Are you happy?”, what would your answer be? Does it depend on the time of day, what’s happening in the world, or another person? It’s ok to take a multi-pronged approach to answering that question because happiness is something we create within ourselves, respect others, and develop collectively. Because let’s be real: happiness is a tricky thing to pin down, isn’t it? We all want it, but sometimes we’re so busy trying to make everyone else happy that we forget to take care of our own. So whether you’re a self-proclaimed people-pleaser, someone who’s learning to set healthy boundaries, or just figuring out what makes you smile, I’ll find something for you. Let’s get real about what happiness is, what it isn’t, and how we can all be a little happier together. Deal?

I started this study with some definitions that felt more like peeling an onion. Define happiness: the state of being happy. Ok, I should have seen that one coming. Define happy: feeling or showing pleasure or contentment. Pleasure and contentment seem like two different things so let's find out. Define pleasure: (disclaimer here….the definition of this one definitely differs by who you ask so proceed with caution) a feeling of happy satisfaction and enjoyment. Hmmm we may need to come back to those but I think I am seeing a common thread because satisfaction and contentment might be the same as pleasure and enjoyment. Define contentment: a state of happiness and satisfaction. And we’re on a loop. Looks like we need to jump off and take it from here.

If I answered the aforementioned question “Are you happy?” I could honestly answer yes! I am happy. Of course, I have days of dissatisfaction and discontent but overall, I’m extremely happy. Throughout my life, my happiness has been tangled in a messy pile of yours, mine, and ours. I believed my happiness was directly tied to or a result of someone else’s happiness. Like we all have to get there together or not at all, that weakened my happiness but never depleted it. Once I was able to work through the tangle and untie the knots, I had a clear path to my own happiness. I’ve said it before but it bears repeating: your day starts and ends with you. YOUR day starts and ends with YOU. You have the power to find happiness and let joy explode or….well fill in the blank here. Anything that is the opposite of happiness and joy needs to be a temporary state that you are currently working your way out of. 

So let’s get started!

At I’m Calming the F#ck Down website I found a good start to start dissecting YOURS, MINE, AND OURS; MANAGING EXPECTATIONS

Jennifer Williams from Heartmanity helps Create a Healthy and Happy Life with Effective Boundaries

On Big Think’s YouTube channel I found some really important insight on How to be happier in 5 steps with zero weird tricks | Laurie Santos

Here are some practical ways to check in with yourself to make sure you’re focusing on your own happiness and not overly tied to someone else’s:

1. Ask Yourself, “How Am I Feeling Today?”

Why it works: Start by tuning into your own emotions regularly. It’s easy to get swept up in how others feel, but this question grounds you in your own experience. Make it a habit to check in with your emotions at different times of the day.

What to notice: Are you feeling anxious or down, but don’t know why? This could be a sign you’re too focused on someone else’s mood or well-being.

2. Check if You’re Overthinking Someone Else’s Problems

Why it works: It’s natural to care about others, but if you find yourself constantly thinking about how to fix or solve their issues, it might be a red flag that you’re neglecting your own.

What to ask yourself: “Is this my responsibility?” or “Have I taken on more than I should?” This helps you draw healthy boundaries between what’s yours to carry and what’s not.

3. Assess Your Day-to-Day Choices

Why it works: Look at your daily decisions—what you eat, how you spend your time, and what you prioritize. Are you making choices based on what truly makes you happy, or are you trying to please or accommodate someone else?

What to ask yourself: “Am I doing this because I want to, or because I think it will make someone else happy?” If it’s always the latter, it’s time to reevaluate.

4. Reflect on Your Motivations

Why it works: Before you take action, pause and ask yourself why you’re doing it. This practice helps you distinguish between acting out of genuine desire versus trying to keep someone else happy.

What to ask yourself: “Am I doing this because it aligns with my values and happiness, or because I’m afraid of disappointing someone?”

5. Set Small, Personal Goals

Why it works: Focusing on small, personal goals that bring you joy will help you stay centered on your own happiness. These goals don’t need to be big—they can be as simple as setting aside time for a hobby or practicing self-care.

What to notice: If your goals are always centered on someone else’s well-being or approval, it’s a sign you need to focus more on yourself.

6. Create Boundaries Around “Emotional Giving”

Why it works: If you’re constantly giving emotional support but feeling drained, it’s a signal that you may be overextending yourself. Setting boundaries helps prevent emotional burnout.

What to ask yourself: “Am I emotionally giving to the point where it’s depleting me?” and “How can I offer support without sacrificing my own happiness?”

7. Observe Your Reactions to Others’ Moods

Why it works: Notice how much your mood is influenced by others. If someone else’s bad day instantly brings you down, you may be tying your emotions too closely to theirs.

What to ask yourself: “Is my mood changing because of something going on with me, or am I picking up on someone else’s feelings?” This helps you create emotional distance and recognize that their mood doesn’t need to dictate yours.

8. Track When You Say “Yes”

Why it works: If you’re always saying “yes” to requests without considering your own needs, it’s a sign that you’re prioritizing someone else’s happiness over your own.

What to ask yourself: “Am I saying yes because I genuinely want to, or am I afraid of letting someone down?” Learning to say no helps you honor your own boundaries and happiness.

9. Spend Time Alone to Recharge

Why it works: Time alone allows you to reconnect with your own needs and desires. It helps you break free from the constant influence of others and check in with what really makes you happy.

What to do: Engage in solo activities you enjoy—reading, going for a walk, or meditating. Ask yourself during this time, “What do I need right now?”

10. Examine How You Handle Disagreement

Why it works: If you avoid conflict or disagreement because you don’t want to upset someone, it might be a sign you’re putting their happiness before your own.

What to ask yourself: “Am I being true to myself, or am I just trying to keep the peace?” Standing up for your own needs, even when it’s uncomfortable, is key to maintaining your happiness.

11. Notice When You Feel Guilt

Why it works: Guilt can be a sign that you’re too focused on someone else’s happiness. If you feel guilty for choosing your own joy or saying no to someone, it’s time to reflect.

What to ask yourself: “Why do I feel guilty? Am I doing something wrong, or am I just putting myself first for a change?”

12. Celebrate Your Own Wins

Why it works: Take time to celebrate your personal achievements and milestones, no matter how small. This reminds you that your happiness doesn’t have to be tied to anyone else’s.

What to do: At the end of each day or week, list out things you did for yourself—anything from completing a task to taking a moment of self-care. Recognize that you deserve happiness and fulfillment independent of others.

CHALLENGE: Reclaim your happiness and make it your own! Challenge yourself to focus on what truly brings you joy, while letting go of the need to control or depend on someone else’s happiness—because when you’re thriving, you inspire others to do the same.

 

I Know YOU Can Do It!

The ROI of Unconditional Giving: Love Without ‘Ifs

SHOW NOTES:

On this show…we are exploring a love without ‘ifs as we calculate the ROI of unconditional giving. Have you ever delivered or been delivered an ultimatum when it comes to love? “I will love you IF….”? How did that make you feel? Well welcome to a conversation that flips the script on giving! Let’s dive into why giving to get will leave your ROI completely upside down. We’ll be exploring the power of unconditional giving—no strings attached, no hidden agendas. It’s all about the deep, soul-level rewards that come when we stop expecting anything in return. After all, love doesn’t come with “ifs” or conditions. So, let’s break down why the best payoffs come when you’re not even looking for one—and why giving with no expectations just might be the ultimate life hack!

As someone who had to learn the hard way that caring and controlling aren’t the same thing, this concept didn’t come naturally to me. When you struggle with people-pleasing, loving with conditions can feel like second nature. Even when you think you’re giving love without expecting anything in return, it doesn’t take long before you realize that, deep down, you’re still craving validation. It’s a sneaky little expectation that can undermine the whole point of unconditional love.

Don’t worry, it may feel a bit like splitting hairs but when the revelation of the difference hits your “over the rim” thinking, a new perspective will open up an exciting new path with soul-nurturing payoffs!

A people pleaser can easily mistake care for controlling behavior because, on the surface, both can seem driven by kindness or concern for others. However, the difference lies in the motivation and expectations behind the actions.

When you’re genuinely caring, you offer support, love, or help without expecting anything in return. You’re tuned in to the needs of others and respect their autonomy. On the other hand, when care becomes controlling, it’s often about managing outcomes—trying to influence someone’s behavior or decisions to get validation, maintain approval, or reduce anxiety.

For a people pleaser, this fine line is crossed when the focus shifts from simply caring for someone to subtly manipulating situations in order to keep peace, avoid conflict, or secure affection. It’s when you’re doing things to make yourself feel better rather than genuinely considering what’s best for the other person.

The key difference is intention: caring allows for freedom, while controlling is about managing outcomes for your own comfort. Recognizing when your help is tied to your own emotional needs or expectations can help you avoid crossing that line.

To test yourself and keep your behavior in check when navigating the line between caring and controlling, try these strategies:

1. Ask “Why am I doing this?”

Before you take action, pause and check your motives. Are you offering help because the other person truly needs it, or are you seeking validation or approval? If your reason is more about easing your own discomfort, it may be a sign of control.

2. Let go of the outcome

Caring means allowing the other person to choose how they respond, even if the outcome isn’t what you want. If you feel anxious about not getting the “right” response, it’s time to step back and reassess whether you’re trying to control the situation.

3. Give people space to fail

Real care respects others’ autonomy and their right to make mistakes. If you feel compelled to step in to “fix” everything, you might be more focused on controlling than supporting. Let them handle it, even if it means learning from failures.

4. Practice active listening

When you’re in people-pleasing mode, you might jump to offer solutions without really hearing what the other person needs. Slow down, listen fully, and ask if they actually want your help before offering it.

5. Set boundaries—for yourself

Boundaries aren’t just for others; you need them too! Notice when you’re over-extending yourself to meet someone else’s needs, and check if you’re doing so out of a genuine desire or a need to feel validated.

6. Check for resentment

If you find yourself feeling resentful or disappointed when your efforts aren’t acknowledged or appreciated, it’s a red flag. True care is given freely, without strings. If resentment creeps in, it’s a sign you may be attaching conditions to your giving.

7. Reflect on past patterns

Take time to reflect on situations where you’ve felt drained or frustrated in your efforts to help. Did you expect something in return, even if it was just gratitude or validation? Recognizing these patterns can help you stay aware in the future.

By regularly using these self-checks, you’ll be able to identify when you’re slipping into controlling behavior and steer back toward healthy, unconditional care.

Shikha Rastogi arms us with Conditional vs. Unconditional Love: How to Tell the Difference found at the Emotional Intelligence Magazine

Jason Merchey shares Altruism in Action: Helping Others is a Virtue found at Values of the Wise

Over on Evan Carmichael’s YouTube channel, I found some unexpected advice from Warren Buffett on the Key to Life.

CHALLENGE: Give love and care without expecting anything in return—start with small acts and watch how they transform not only the people around you, but also your own sense of fulfillment. Let go of control, embrace genuine compassion, and see how unconditional giving becomes the ultimate reward!

 

I Know YOU Can Do It!

 

Seeing the Bigger Picture: Simplifying Life Beyond the Details

SHOW NOTES:

On this show…we are simplifying life beyond the details as we zoom out to see the bigger picture. Having a hard time seeing the forest for the trees? Caught up in the minutia of life and never feel like you truly have a grasp on what’s important? Life often gets overwhelming when we get caught up in the small details—stress, distractions, and the constant busyness of our day-to-day. But when we step back, we realize that what truly matters is simple: connections, purpose, and personal growth. We’ll explore how shifting our focus from the non-essentials to the bigger picture brings clarity, peace, and a deeper sense of fulfillment. Let’s dive into ways to refocus, simplify, and see life for what it really is—a series of meaningful moments and lessons.

I think this kind of perspective isn’t always easy to obtain, and maybe that’s on purpose. I mean, if you were always able to see the bigger picture would you even recognize that it IS in fact the bigger picture? Harlan Ellison said, "Without pain, there can be no pleasure. Without sadness, there can be no happiness. Without misery there can be no beauty". They say hindsight is 20/20 meaning it's easier to understand something after it has already happened. So what should this big-picture thinking do to you today?  

It helps you in everyday life by giving you more clarity and a better perspective. Instead of getting stuck on the little things that go wrong, it helps you focus on what really matters. It makes it easier to handle daily stress because you’re not sweating the small stuff. You start to prioritize what’s important, making choices that align with your bigger goals. It helps you stay focused on the long run and see challenges as just part of the process. In the end, it keeps you grounded and helps you live more intentionally.

I don’t know about you…but I want more of that!

Techlyticaly helps us challenge this thinking with Seeing Things Differently: How Perspective Changes Everything found on Linkedin

Patrick Buggy offers some inspiring ideas on What to do When You Feel Stuck in a Rut found at Mindful Ambitions

On Lena Samford’s blog, I found some more ideas about How to See the Bigger Picture

On the Art of Movement’s YouTube channel, I found 20 Things Most People Learn Too Late In Life

Here are some effective visioning exercises to help broaden your thinking:

1. Future Self Visualization: Close your eyes and imagine your life five or ten years from now. Picture where you are, what you’re doing, and how you feel. Write down the details to clarify your goals and aspirations.
2. Mind Mapping: Start with a central idea or goal and branch out with related concepts, tasks, or dreams. This visual representation can help you see connections and generate new ideas.
3. Journaling: Dedicate time each week to write about your thoughts, dreams, and experiences. Reflecting on your journey can reveal patterns and insights about your bigger picture.
4. Vision Board Creation: Collect images, quotes, and symbols that represent your goals and dreams. Arrange them on a board to create a visual reminder of what you aspire to achieve.
5. Role-Playing Scenarios: Imagine how you would approach specific situations or challenges as your future self. This can help you think more creatively about solutions and opportunities.
6. Goal Setting Retreat: Take a day or weekend away from your usual environment to focus solely on your long-term vision. Set aside time for brainstorming, reflecting, and planning.
7. Reverse Engineering: Start with your end goal and work backward. Outline the steps needed to achieve it, identifying potential obstacles and resources along the way.
8. Gratitude Reflection: Regularly reflect on what you’re grateful for in your life. This can help you recognize the bigger picture of your journey and motivate you to continue pursuing your dreams.
9. Group Brainstorming: Collaborate with others to discuss ideas and visions. Diverse perspectives can spark new thoughts and help you see possibilities you hadn’t considered.
10. Meditative Reflection: Spend time in meditation focused on your goals and dreams. Quieting your mind can help clarify what truly matters to you and expand your vision.

CHALLENGE: Don’t let the small stuff keep you stuck—challenge yourself to step back, broaden your perspective, and see the bigger picture. By shifting your focus, you’ll find clarity, purpose, and the freedom to pursue what truly matters in your life.

 

I Know YOU Can Do It!

Beyond One Path: Exploring Multiple Passions and Reinventing Yourself

SHOW NOTES:

On this show…we are hopefully going to come to the realization that you don’t have to choose just one path in life but you can explore multiple passions and always reinvent yourself. When was the first time someone asked you what you wanted to be when you grew up? Four or five? As if you even know there were a varied array of options at that age not to mention what you were even capable of. Fast forward, are you there yet? You don’t have to stick to just one path in life—explore your passions and embrace the idea of doing more than one thing! Whether it’s pursuing a new interest, changing careers, or adding a side project, you can always reinvent yourself. It’s never too late to grow, learn, and discover new opportunities that align with who you are today. 

My earliest memory was somewhere before age five and I wanted to be an actress. My parents recorded me saying that I wanted to be this because I had a long, red, sparkly dress. I must have just watched a red carpet awards show or something. Even though I did end up doing a variety of plays, a little modeling, and some B-rated promo videos I am not an actress. Then in High School, I watched a lot of People’s Court and thought I wanted to be a lawyer which is funny since they represent themselves but I’m not, a lawyer. My Dad thought I should be a nurse because I love people and am so encouraging. Even though I’m a Grey’s Anatomy junkie I am not, a nurse. My first-grade teachers and every teacher thereafter said I talk too much…ding ding, I am in sales, marketing, and public speaking. But that’s not all I do.

Today I’m a life, recovery, and career coach, a VP of operations, I run support groups, am a motivational speaker, a Hospice volunteer, a CEO mentor, a Woman in Business, and an avid crocheter who also loves to sew! I love a lot of things and feel I’m good at a lot of things and there are days were I’m still answering that question; of what I want to be when I grow up. 

Maybe you’re just getting started. Maybe you’re at a crossroads and looking for something different, or maybe it’s all in your rearview mirror and you’re ready for phase 2.

I say follow your curiosity and create a life that reflects all the things you’re passionate about. There’s no limit to what you can do!

Irina Cozma asks and offers answers on Values, Passion, or Purpose — Which Should Guide Your Career? Found on the Harvard Business Review

Kathy Caprino says Stop Searching For Career Passion -- You Won't Find It That Way found at Forbes

Kirsty Perrin is the Director at The Winning Edge Mindset and gave a Ted Talk on How you can reinvent yourself for success. 

Uncovering your passions is an exciting journey of self-discovery! Here are some strategies to help you find what truly excites you:

• Reflect on what energizes you: Think about activities, conversations, or tasks that make you feel alive, focused, or fulfilled. What do you enjoy doing in your free time?
• Revisit childhood interests: Sometimes the things we loved as children hold clues to our true passions. Did you love art, building things, or exploring nature? Rediscover those activities.
• Experiment and explore: Try new things—take up hobbies, join classes, or attend workshops. The more you expose yourself to different experiences, the more likely you are to find something that resonates.
• Identify your strengths: What do others often praise you for? Your natural talents can offer insights into what you enjoy and excel at, leading you toward activities you’re passionate about.
• Pay attention to curiosity: Notice what topics or activities you feel curious about or want to learn more about. Follow your curiosity—it’s often a sign that something could be a passion.
• Consider your values: Reflect on what matters most to you—helping others, creativity, adventure, or learning? Your passions are often aligned with your core values.
• Ask yourself questions: What do you find yourself daydreaming about? What would you do if money were no object? What problems in the world do you feel drawn to solve?
• Talk to others: Connect with people who are passionate about different things. Their enthusiasm can spark ideas and inspire you to explore areas you hadn’t considered before.
• Take note of your flow moments: When do you lose track of time because you’re so immersed in what you’re doing? These “flow” moments are often indicators of passion.

CHALLENGE: You have the power to shape your potential—challenge your self-talk and start believing in your ability to grow, learn, and take on new opportunities. Push past limiting thoughts and take bold action today; you’re capable of far more than you think!

 

I Know YOU Can Do It!