Encouragementology

Cutting a Slice of the Pie in the Sky

Isn’t it about time you served yourself up a healthy helping of your own dreams? Are you waiting for “one day”? Last time I looked at a 12-month calendar I didn’t see “one day”. I saw today, this week, this month or this year but not “one day”. Is one day as ambiguous as “over yonder”? Let’s pull it into focus so you can make your dreams a reality. So much time is spent or should I say wasted on waiting for something that is never going to happen unless you take the bull by the horns and set the plan into motion.  So today is “one day” where we will put action into practice. Are you ready? I choose to believe I just heard a collective...yessssssss!

Ahhh the preverbal “Pie in the Sky”. What does that term mean to you? Something that is pleasant to contemplate but is very unlikely to be realized. A pipe dream. Something you spend time dreaming about even fantasizing about as a happy yet fictitious mirage. What does that look like for you? Retirement? A getaway? A better life? A fun adventure? The perfect job? A more satisfying and rewarding life?

What is preventing you from seeing it through? Why are these only dreams and what makes them unattainable? 

Inspiring stories are useful tools that can spur us to act but, it’s ultimately our capacity, grit, and our willingness to make sacrifices that will determine if we’re going to succeed. Too many people get stuck in a rut because they waste time thinking about what they want to do. Fewer actually do it. 

I have always had an entrepreneurial spirit for as long as I can remember. I picked Easter flowers by the bunches and sold them in my neighborhood.  I had a yard sale from the items in my room. Grit? Yes, dangerous? Yes again, I was 8 and home alone while my Mother was at work. I created numerous business ventures from giving tours on a tree that had fallen down during a storm to a home-made pretzel stand. It wasn’t something I grew out of, as an adult I had a handmade jewelry store, created custom shadowboxes, a handbag line, and I am the owner of 3 trademarks. I love to take an idea and bring it to life. Now, have they all been home runs?  Well, I’m not sitting on a homemade pretzel fortune but each one of these ideas has taught me something. Through concept, development, execution, and yes, eventually failure. 

Timing is so critical to everything we do and it’s not just timing of the market or the consumer, it’s timing within ourselves. We are on a journey, weaving in and out of challenges that shape and mold us. We come to the straightaway after a hairpin turn and we are different people. 

I say this to say, just because you tried one thing or even 10 and nothing “worked out” doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try it or something else again. I still like to take ideas and sculpt them into reality. To me, there is nothing more rewarding than to create something out of nothing. Encouragementology - the practice of instilling hope was an idea to make the act of encouragement more intentional.  When you can associate an action and a practice to something it has a real chance of becoming a habit. I want people to be aware of the opportunity they have to encourage others and then find the inspiration to take action. Now, this idea has legs and an identity. It isn’t running yet but it’s picking up speed and making an impact. I finally got the timing right. 

Whether your dream involves creating a business, impacting the world, or just treating yourself to the things you desire, it all starts with you and your pursuit and efforts. 

Where do you get your motivation? From a friend, family member, mentor, spouse? 

I’ve been in sales and marketing what seems like my whole life and NO is a part of my daily grind. NO, not now. NO, I’m not interested. NO, I can’t afford it. NO, we already do that. NO. If I take this collective feedback and assume NObody believes in what I’m doing then the next day holds little promise or enjoyment. 

What have you dropped when you first hit resistance? What did you say when someone told you no?  When it’s personal it’s easy to have an emotional reaction to NO and internalize it as feedback. I’m not good enough, this idea is stupid, no one will support it, I should give up. Sometimes NO is a  gentle push to go in a different direction, to sharpen our approach, to modify our idea. No doesn’t mean give up or give in. 

I remember a line we used when I used to sell jewelry. I’ve sold everything by the way. Someone would come in and we had a process to help them narrow down their ideas to one or two items as to not overwhelm the buyer (ie guy in a jewelry store..you get the picture). If we heard NO - we would say, “is it the price of this particular item that’s too high or just more than you wanted to spend today”? It wasn’t emotional it was logistics. Do I need to establish value, shoot for something less, or open up a line of credit? I didn’t say it was scrupulous. 

If we could apply that same logical thinking when our dreams are challenged think of the resilience we could build. No huh? What about this idea causes you to pause. Would it be better received if I did X or Y? The idea is not to give up on the dream just modify the approach. 

With all this, it’s important to also be aware of your limitations. Now that doesn’t sound like something I would say or something you typically hear in a motivational speech but the fact is, you CAN’T do anything you want to do and it’s important to put things in perspective.  I’m not talking about supporting your self-limiting believes I’m talking about taking into consideration timing, abilities, others involved and so on. 

Here’s where your flexibility can be tested. Just because you can’t do IT doesn’t mean you can’t participate and master other things that contribute or are involved with IT. And having that type of flexibility will test your desire and perseverance. 

In your dreams, you might find your passion and THAT is what you can pursue, nurture, master, and realize. 

CHALLENGE: Spend as much time discovering your passions as you do fantasizing about your dreams. Make today, “one day” and take a step forward to realizing your goal. It’s the result of consciously doing something each day that will add to your overall excellence.  Pursuing your passions are never beyond your reach.

I Know YOU Can Do It!

Awake at the Wheel, Lessons from a Diagnosis

with Special Guest
Lori Merrill-Fink

LORI’S CORE DESIRED FEELINGS

Based on the work for Danielle LaPorte’s The Desire Map

(Choose your own.)

 

• Vibrant
• Free/flowing
• Connected
• Radiant
• Whole
•  

So to feel what I want to feel, I consciously choose practices that generate those feelings. 

BODY                                              MIND                                      SPIRIT/SOUL

Movement                                         Meditation                               Community

Pleasure                                           Script Flipping                          Gratitude

Whole foods                                      Affirmations                              Service

Quality sleep                                      Solitude                                   Talking to God

Lots of water                                                                                  Being in Nature

TAKE-AWAYS aka: NUGGETS

So here I am, a normal person, keeping it real. Doing my best to stay in flow, flip the script, stay open. A diagnosis cuts through all the BS, so my pilgrimage has led me to some essential truths, which I am doing my best to LIVE every day. Many may sound familiar to you:

• Life is happening FOR you. Not TO you. It doesn’t (often) turn out as it should. It turns out as it DOES. This is a much more juicy and expansive place from which to live.
• Nobody can take care of you better than you. And nobody should. That’s YOUR job.
• Self-care is a discipline and you are worth every bit of the same loving care you give to your family and friends. Reverse Golden Rule. What are your Core Desired Feelings? What are your NON-negotiables? “I don’t have time” is code for it’s not a priority. Take time or make time. Make time or take time. You are worth it.
• Your body is your friend. No matter the size of your thighs, or whether or not you have an overbite, or a six-pack. Treat it with love. Bless it. Care for it.
• Be intentional where you focus your energy. Choose thoughts that SERVE, heal, nurture you. Light you up. Pay attention to things that matter. Your mind is your greatest ally. Drop the story you tell yourself about events, people, what it all means.
• Watch your words. Make your I AMS work for you.
• Shame and blame are soul-sucking. You deserve better.
• Ask for what you need, and be willing to receive it with grace and gratitude.
• You are so much more powerful that you may realize. Jesus may take the wheel, but he needs to be spelled once in awhile. You are a co-creator.
• The present moment has to be enough, because that is all there is. That present moment can save you. And so can the next one. And the next….
• Do everything in your power to keep your heart cloud-soft with joy and wonder, and sky-wide with gratitude.

To journey without being changed

Is to be a nomad.

To change without journeying

Is to be a chameleon.

To journey and be transformed by the journey

Is to be a pilgrim.

~Mark Nepo

The Book of Awakening

(cancer survivor)

 

James Cameron:

Hope is not a strategy.

Luck is not a factor.

Fear is not an option.

 

 

 

The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice.
meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.
Be grateful for whatever comes.
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

 

We are slowed down sound and light waves, a walking bundle of frequencies tuned into the cosmos. We are souls dressed up in sacred biochemical garments and our bodies are the instruments through which our souls play music.

                                                      ~Albert Einstein

 

Today I asked my body what she needed,
Which is a big deal
Considering my journey of
Not Really Asking That Much.

I thought she might need more water.
Or protein.
Or greens.
Or yoga.
Or supplements.
Or movement.

But as I stood in the shower
Reflecting on her stretch marks,
Her roundness where I would like flatness,
Her softness where I would like firmness,
All those conditioned wishes
That form a bundle of
Never-Quite-Right-Ness,
She whispered very gently:

Could you just love me like this?

Author: Hollie Holden

 

Excerpt from Mary Oliver’s Wild Geese

You do not have to be good.

You do not have to walk on your knees

for a hundred miles through the desert repenting.

You only have to let the soft animal of your body

love what it loves.

“New Moon Blessing” from Tanya Markul’s “The She Book”:

May you remember your ability to choose what is deeply nourishing.

May you ignite your power to make choices that align with your soul.

May you take action in the name of your authentic fire.

May you find the courage to heal, be free, and grow.

 

LINKS AND RESOURCES FOR LISTENERS

 

Lori’s “Survive & Thrive” Pinterest Board

https://pin.it/ibucbrch4mj6an

 

Awake at the Wheel playlist (in Spotify):

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6Sm4Y6iEmPLOlFSGN4F8kD

Recommended Books:

Your Body Believes Every Word You Say- Barbara Hoberman Levine

You Are the Placebo- Joe Dispenza

Prayer is Good Medicine- Larry Dossey, MD

Reinventing the Body, Resurrecting the Soul- Deepak Chopra, MD

How Healing Works- Wayne Jonas, MD

The Desire Map- Danielle LaPorte

Crazy, Sexy Cancer- Kris Carr

The Book of Awakening- Mark Nepo

The 22 Non-Negotiable Laws of Wellness- Greg Anderson

Dying to be Me- Anita Moorjani

The Cancer Whisperer: Finding Courage, Direction, and the Unlikely Gifts of Cancer- Sophie Sabbage

Everyday Strength: A Cancer Patient’s Guide to Spiritual Survival- Randy Becton

Change Me Prayers: The Hidden Power of Spiritual Surrender- Tosha Silver

 

 

 

Change Your Outlook by Changing Your Perception

Are you worried you’ve taken grouchiness to a whole new level? Is it hard to see the forest for the trees? Do you find judgment first and forgiveness last...if at all? Maybe you are just ready for a brighter outlook and a sunnier disposition. You know the people I’m talking about; always smiling, walking with a little extra pep in their step, spreading cheer everywhere they go. It’s like shooting stars are going off all around them. Who are these people and whatever they have...I want some. Let’s talk about it and work on narrowing the gap between where you are and where they seem to be. 

So before you get your pen and paper out to catch the magical recipe of a happy person let me sum it up….it’s all perception. They see the silver lining, they turn their frowns upside down, they keep their glasses on and yes they are rose-colored. This could be how they are wired or this could be by choice but either way, there is nothing mystical going on. They change their outlook by changing their perception. 

Living in a bubble is a figure of speech. They have access to the tv with endless news disasters, they see the headlines, they too can have an avalanche of doom waiting for them on their social feed...but they choose to move past it and not internalize it. When someone points out the pitfalls of the day, they remind them of the rainbows that are just over the horizon.

Bad things happen to good people. Tragedy, death, and despair even though we don’t wish it on anyone for most, it is inevitable.  

We all feel the weight of negativity all around us. But SOME of us choose to walk past it instead of picking it up and adding it to our already heavy load.

Where do you see yourself in that scenario? Now, where do you WANT to see yourself?

It’s not too late. You can change your outlook and find the good first. It just takes a little acceptance, being self-aware, compassionate, understanding, and some resolve.

Wise words were given to me that I will never forget; “stop the story where the facts end”. Assuming you know the end to the story or even the whole story on limited information is harmful. It can get you worked up into a lather for zero reasons and create chaos where there is none. As hard as it is, stop the story where the facts end. Be ok without an ending. Life is still developing, you are still growing, and people are changing. Nothing is final when it comes to development. 

Some of us make assumptions based on limiting beliefs which are assumptions or perceptions that we’ve got about ourselves and about the way the world works. These assumptions are “self-limiting” because in some way they're holding us back from achieving what we are capable of.

What are some limiting beliefs you are ready and willing to challenge? At certain times or stages in our life, we are more open to accepting an alternative perception. Most of us can look back at some of our early things and realize, even though we thought we knew it all, we barely had a clue.  Why do you suppose that is? There is intelligence and then there is a life experience. Some things just can’t be found in a book and as our mother’s wanted to avoid, must be learned from failing. Failing and learning. 

If you don’t run into challenges, problem solve, and overcome, how will you learn anything? Remember in the beginning I said,  “It just takes a little acceptance, being self-aware, compassion, understanding, and resolve.” Learning from your failures creates resolve. 

Being self-aware involves being honest and tracing your beliefs, assumptions, and perception back to its roots to discover the truth. The truth about who you are and what you actually believe. You are a self-proclaimed grouch - discover the why and change your ways. You are always afraid to try new things - find out where the stems from and change your ways. You aren’t comfortable in a crowd - don’t accept that as fact, figure out where the fear is coming from and change your ways.  My point is, there is no reason you should buy into your limiting beliefs and stay where you are. If you want growth, if you want to change your outlook, you have to be willing to change your perception. 

With that new outlook comes freedom. Freedom from saving the world. Freedom to nurture my own well-being. Free to love without conditions. Freedom to accept that I’m still learning and growing. Freedom in the realization that I don’t have all the answers and that’s ok.

CHALLENGE: Explore your roadblocks to get to the root of this perception. Challenge it with what you know to be true now. Be open and willing to new ideas and understanding. Change your outlook by putting in the work to change your perception.

I Know YOU Can Do It!

Hitting Reset, When Snooze is Bigger than Stop

How many times? How many times are you going to hit the snooze on your life before you move forward? What are you waiting for? It’s easy to adopt Scarlett O'hara's thought process: “I won’t think about that today, I’ll think about that tomorrow, after all, tomorrow's another day.” Fear and self-doubt can play a big role in keeping you stuck only wishing and dreaming of a better day. Did you know you have the power to push forward? Unraveling the anxiety and getting to the sticking point might take some work but putting your dreams off until another day means you should have plenty of time. You take that end and I’ll take this one, let’s start unraveling. 

Last week, as the alarm on my phone, was going off I noticed something. Some may say this is super convenient and proceed without a second thought but it hit me with a different message. Why was the snooze bigger than the stop on my alarm? Now, this may not ring true for all cell phones but I’m pretty sure the design has similarities in traditional alarm clocks as well. Right under the word Alarm...there it is, big, oblong, orange, and glowing ...begging me to hit it. Stop is much, much smaller and all the way at the bottom of the screen. You have to really pry your eyes open and be intentional and accurate to hit it. 

Why do you suppose that is? Why would my phone want me to delay the day and go back to sleep? Just being courteous? Or does it assume it will take more than one attempt to get me up? When oversleeping is the one thing that will keep people with an early flight from sleeping, why would they make SNOOZE so tempting and accessible? 

How many times do you take the tempting and accessible alternative in life? Obviously, this show isn’t just about oversleeping, let’s look at how this idea translates into your own life. 

Even though let me mention this; according to one survey, more than one in three adults press snooze three times before getting up in the morning. And more than half of adults in their twenties and early thirties say that they hit the snooze button every morning.

And while it's not a huge deal to snag a few extra minutes of shut-eye once in a while, fighting your alarm on a regular basis might actually leave you feeling more tired during the day and sleep worse at night.

Ok now that we’ve cleared that up...let’s move on to the metaphorical snooze. The one you keep hitting instead of checking off milestones on your life plan.

Maybe you are overwhelmed with the sheer pressure of your day-to-day life and can’t find a moment to plan for your future goals or even know what those are. Even the thought of sitting down to figure all that out seems foreign. Is that you? Are you trying to manage everything for everyone and barely keeping it together?

Help is on its way….we will look at ways to prioritize and set goals that incorporate your vision while freeing you from the responsibility of keeping it all together.  

Maybe you’re afraid, riddled with self-doubt. Unsure that what you want is even attainable. You’ve spent the better part of your life trying to get ahead but always being pushed to the back. How could you possibly spend time goal planning  - It seems like such a waste of time? Time to hit the reset on those ideas. You deserve it ALL. Not a little bit, or some of it, but YOU deserve it all. Let’s find ways to calm your fears so that you can see your true potential. 

Maybe you know exactly what you want and how to get there but for some reason, you’re stuck. You can’t move forward. Every day you start with good intentions but life sidetracks you or maybe it’s YOU getting in your own way but whatever the reason, 2 steps forward = 3 steps back. Let’s figure it out and pull out the stopper. You have amazing stuff to do and you are only a couple steps from making it happen. 

The first thing we have to do is realize procrastination is not a time management issue so finding a new app to help you juggle your day is not going to help. It’s an emotional avoidance. 

So what can you do? Even the most motivated person has something they procrastinate about. I KNOW I need to exercise. I know the health benefits, mentally and physically but it’s the thing I procrastinate about the most. My New Year’s resolution this year was to stop feeling guilty about things I didn’t want to do. Solution? NO - justification! I still feel guilty, even though I gave myself permission not to accept that feeling. 

Why am I putting it off? It’s hard, I don’t enjoy it, it takes time away from other things I actually want to do... there are more reasons I’m sure. 

Several studies show that self-compassion supports motivation and personal growth. Not only does it decrease psychological distress, which we now know is a primary culprit for procrastination, it also actively boosts motivation, enhances feelings of self-worth and fosters positive emotions like optimism, wisdom, curiosity and personal initiative. Best of all, self-compassion doesn’t require anything external — just a commitment to meeting your challenges with greater acceptance and kindness rather than rumination and regret.

So it sounds like I’m on the right track with my New Year’s resolution. However, forgiving myself is only the first step, I’m still not getting to the gym which is actually good for me. Oh, don’t tell my brain that all I have to do is to forgive myself for every thought and action I purposely put off. Ok, obviously that’s not what it's saying but being kind to yourself and recognizing the struggle will help you work out a solution to move forward. That makes sense to me. As a person who typically sees things as black or white, yes or no, spending some time finding the solution and being kind to myself is something I can get behind.

Isn’t it comforting and inspiring to know you have so much control over your life? Just like you can get buried in negative habits that keep you spinning on a never-ending wheel to nowhere, you also have the power to create healthy habits that will help you realize your dreams.  The point is, you have the power. These aren’t the cards you’ve been dealt, you aren’t cursed for life, you aren't powerless and just along for the ride…..you have real power, so it’s time to take it back!

CHALLENGE: Define or redefine your goals. Even if your goal is to start being more productive, evaluate the emotional blocks that are keeping you from moving forward. Make a plan, then reassess that plan and add more granulated steps. Once you have a manageable strategy you are ready to go, just do it! One step forward is better than not moving at all.

 

I Know YOU Can Do It! 

Giving Too Much, Disabling Your Enabling

I know what you’re thinking, how could someone be guilty of giving TOO much. For a person who believes in and practices volunteerism on a weekly basis how could I even think such a thing. But it’s true. I’m using the word “giving” and you are interpreting that word to make sense to you. There are many forms of giving and we are going to explore those tonight; the healthy and the unhealthy. Everything in life needs balance. When you swing too far in any direction there can be consequences.

Everything in moderation, even moderation! We are going to look at giving from a couple of different angles. Let’s first start by understanding the difference between giving freely and giving with conditions. 

To give freely means you are looking for nothing in return. You give, be it money, time, labor, love without expecting a return on your investment. You don’t check up on the gift after it’s been given or even consider the course it will take. It’s none of your business, once given, it’s no longer your concern.  You give out of love and understanding. You give just to give. 

Giving with conditions looks quite a bit different. You give in order to get... validation, praise, respect, debt, control...etc. You give with instructions. If the outcome doesn’t suit your liking you shame or guilt the receiver. You keep tabs or score. You expect a return on your investment. You give to get. 

That may seem harsh but let’s get out the flashlight and point it into the corners of our minds. Can you remember a situation that you gave with conditions? It’s easier than you think. 

 

With those definitions, let’s look at these “harmless” quotes meant to inspire, but now with a new lens. Think of a person who does lose themselves in the process and is willing to give everything they have to get what they want.

“Remember that the happiest people are not those getting more, but those giving more.” ―H. Jackson Brown Jr.

“No one has ever become poor by giving.” ―Anne Frank

“We must give more in order to get more. It is the generous giving of ourselves that produces the generous harvest.” ―Orison Swett Marden

“No one is useless in this world who lightens the burdens of another.” ―Charles Dickens

“The best way to find yourself, is to lose yourself in the service of others.” —Mahatma Gandhi

Now, this show is not to deter you from giving but instead, give you some perspective on the balance needed to successfully give and receive.

I used to think I was just super helpful, a great friend, a good child, a caring coworker, a cool Mom. It took me many years, lots of soul searching, and some expert advice to realize being a people pleaser is not a good thing. That my helpfulness at times was a way to control, that my advice, even though very helpful and insightful was unwarranted and intrusive. That was a revelation that was hard to swallow. I didn’t believe it the first time I heard it so I discounted it and went along making mistake after mistake until it clicked…..it had to. 

But I’m just being helpful...you see I’ve already done this or that and I just want to make sure that person isn’t making the same mistakes I made. If they would just take my advice and start doing this or that everything would be perfect. Does any of that sound familiar? 

I identify with the characteristics of co-dependency. The topic tonight is not meant to lead you to the same conclusion we are merely going on a discovery. Being self-aware of your actions and reactions can help you make better choices and ultimately achieve a better balance which is what we’re all striving for. 

I lead a women’s empowerment group called Women Connect. There are two chapters and one of them is for in-patient women at a rehab facility. In this meeting, we work on finding our voice, creating healthy boundaries, harnessing our power, forgiving failure, and finding our happy place. All of these women come from unhealthy relationships with spouses, partners, family members, and children.  If they don’t change their role and responsibility, they won’t have a shot at success. We talk about strengthening our core. I have them visualize a tree, with a weak trunk, as a result, it’s branches are weak and so are its roots. Now imagine hanging things from the branches of an unhealthy tree. It couldn’t possibly support the weight. The work they do to accept responsibility, forgive themselves, and let go of the past, will help them move forward with a healthier self-concept and stronger core.

Things I’ve learned on my journey of self-discovery:

• I do not have all the answers
• Not everyone needs or wants my advice
• The only person I have control over is myself 
• Love means letting people learn 
• I’m worthy just the way I am
• I deserve it ALL

How could you possibly practice self-care, set goals, and focus on your wants, needs, and desires when you are busy taking care of everyone else. Lift your self-imposed responsibility and you will instantly propel yourself forward. 

Being willing to give of yourself is such a wonderful attribute.  As I said in the beginning, everything in moderation. Look at your giving and be honest about your intentions. Nurturing the cape and saving the world is not healthy and not your job. Everyone has a life to lead, some or most will make a bad decision here and there. Lessons are learned when we go through the process of righting the wrong. That’s a journey we all need to make on our own time and at our own pace. 

CHALLENGE: Channel this energy in a positive direction that strengthens your core. Give freely and give of yourself to yourself, first. Be willing to share, learn, and grow while allowing others to do the same. 

I Know YOU Can Do It!

Back to the Basics, The Realness of Retro

Times are a-changing but what happened to the “good ol’days? Are you questioning that more and more? There is no doubt that with all the emerging technology and modern-day conveniences life hasn’t gotten a little easier but true to the old adage “if it ain’t broke don’t fix it!” Some things should have been left alone. So things we might see now as inconvenient might have been critical to our social and emotional well-being and maybe paramount to our development as a society. So let’s reminisce a little bit…..go “way back” as I like to say it, and revisit what might need reviving.

So what is way back for you? Think about that time when everything felt right, easy, joyful ...it may be your youth since responsibilities could have been few or it could have been when YOU were in your hey-day, feeling on top of the world. It might have been a time you’ve just heard about - a simpler time when connections were real and people made an effort, were taken at their word, and choices were few but the quality was high. Where ever you mind transports you...let’s talk about then. 

My Dad was 1st generation German who was born to immigrant parents that settled in Seattle, Washington. His Dad passed away when he was 11 but he remembers a man who was very proud to be in America, he took pride in his work and cherished his relationships. He was a “gas jockey” and he took his job very seriously. My Dad still has his uniform, it was always neatly pressed and pristine and he felt honored putting it on every day. He wasn’t trying to shorten his day or work from home. He wasn’t bitter about management and not owning his own time. He wasn’t irritated at having his day scheduled or having to get up early. He was appreciative of a steady job, a paycheck, the opportunity to be part of a team, the respect earned, and the responsibility given. 

When my Dad landed in Southern Illinois for a job at the University he settled in Cobden. A small, rural farm town where everyone knew everyone. He made connections quickly because he knew he had to establish some roots. He needed to be part of the community. You see he bought a place south of town, a big farmhouse needing a little repair. He had a wife and infant son and only knew one other person. I remember him telling me this story and reminding me that, you are only as good as your word. Never forget that. This was before credit cards and as I said, he was new in town and only had one connection. Back then you bought things on credit but that was determined by your character and if they felt you were trustworthy. He always paid on time and before long was in good standing with this close-knit community. He wasn’t judged based on his “credit score” he didn’t have Amazon and wasn’t a prime member. He wasn’t researching companies' legitimacy and reading 1-star reviews to see if they were just hyper-critical or helpful. He was meeting people, developing relationships, and earning trust. He was making commitments and seeing them through that shaped his character and gave him an admirable reputation. 

I bring up these two stories to shine a light on the fact that there are important life lessons we are meant to learn on this journey. Sometimes the journey means meandering, getting stuck in the ruts, getting towed out of the mud, coasting down the highway, taking a side route that might be a bit rocky, finding a detour to avoid danger ahead,  or even setting it on cruise control ...and everything in between. Taking the luge of life ...not passing Go, not collecting $200, is no way to live. Every obstacle, challenge, loss, and win is a chance to learn and grow. When we eventually make life SO easy then where is the lesson, and where is the growth? 

When choices were limited decisions were easy. We could focus on one thing at a time and enjoy the process. Today we are mentally pulled in every direction that we end up spinning in circles instead of picking a clear path.

What happened to our attention spans?? Why can’t we just sit still? No wonder we feel so exhausted, overwhelmed, and sick. WE are overloading ourselves trying to consume everything in front of us. Information is everywhere and most of the times we aren’t fully aware of how hard it’s working to grab our attention. We’ve become used to this and just accept it as normal. Think about Ma and Pa (Little House on the Praire reference) They are going to town to see what’s new at the mercantile. They didn’t wake up and check their phone or surf social media to see what’s new. They didn’t flip on the tube while having coffee or turn on the local commercial radio station. They loaded the kids in the wagon and had a nice ride into town. They didn’t see billboards advertising the latest and greatest littering the roadside. They pulled up to the store…..THE STORE. They didn’t have endless options all vying for their attention and their money. Now, when they went in -THERE were the advertisements and circulars. When the choice to shop had been made. Oh, those were the days. 

Today ads are EVERYWHERE - It’s difficult to look in any direction and not be bombarded. Who are you supposed to make sense of all this information?

Nostalgia has a way of erasing the daily annoyances we experienced, and it leaves behind only the warm, fuzzy feelings.

We come across a familiar smell, place or song on the radio, and we instantly feel comforted by days gone by.

We are transported back in time to childhood when our world was just a few streets wide, and our main concern was running out of daylight before making it home for dinner.

Think of the things we need to fight not to lose, the things that weren’t broken. Family dinners, making time to catch up in person with your friends, meeting your neighbors and then checking in on them, quiet moments to reflect, reading, spending time outside, talking, wondering, problem-solving, getting your hands dirty, celebrating life…….what are some of yours?

CHALLENGE: If you long for a simpler time...make it happen. Unplug, reduce, limit, and prioritize the information you allow in your life. Nurture your relationships and build in time to make meaningful memories. You deserve it.

I Know YOU Can Do It!

Finding Time To Have It ALL

Are you always running out of time, overwhelmed, behind the 8-ball, never feeling like your getting ahead? I think we can all relate to those feelings at some point in our life, week, day, or even hour. Life is busy and there is so much that needs to be done, left to do, or should be tried but how can we find enough time in our schedule to fit everything in without losing our minds? Well, I haven’t invented the 25th hour so relax with that thought. So if everyone has 24 hours a day and 365 days per year the next thing to do is evaluate where it’s going. What is taking up your time and preventing you from that satisfying feeling of accomplishment? What might be stealing your attention and focus away from the things you need to do or want to do? What could you do to have enough time to live the life you want?

TIME. The only thing we don’t have enough of. Waiting until things slow down or the kids are out of the house or you’re ready to retire is not finding time, it’s wasting it. Just like a perfect opportunity doesn’t usually just fall in your lap, your effort and energy are required to make a difference. If you step back and look at your weekly schedule other than the must have’s (work, dr appointments, children’s assignments etc) you’ve added all the extras. It’s going to take some work to declutter and make room to find more time. But...you are important and so are your goals so let’s find the fun in the process!

What is it ALL? When I say having it all, what does the mean to you? For some, this is straightforward and gives a clear picture of where they would like to be and for others, this may be too subjective or broad. ALL would insinuate everything and is that really realistic? We are told at an early age that we can have everything and be anything but is that really the case? Should motivation be a little more targeted….how about you can be the best that you can be. You can give 100% to everything you do. Wouldn’t that be a little more realistic? So first we may have to start this journey on defining what ALL means to you. I’m not going to define it for this show but show you a couple of angles.

Maybe up to this point it’s always been about work. You went to school and got good grades so you could get into a good college where you picked a major and excelled so you could get a good job and then that’s been your day to day without much thought to what else...

Are you all work and no play? Bogged down with the 9-5 and just hanging on until retirement when you can finally own your time?

Don’t expect work to fill a void that non-work relationships and activities should, says Timothy Ferris, author of The 4-Hour Work Week

Work is not all of life. Your co-workers shouldn’t be your only friends. Schedule life and defend it just as you would an important business meeting. Never tell yourself “I’ll just get it done this weekend.” Review Parkinson’s Law which states: "work expands so as to fill the time available for its completion" Instead, force yourself to cram within tight hours so your per-hour productivity doesn’t fall through the floor. Focus, get the critical few done, and get out. E-mailing all weekend is no way to spend the little time you have on this planet.

Finding time to Do It ALL doesn’t mean adding more to your plate and doing it faster and at the same time. Ever feel like you did a lot but really didn’t accomplish anything? How many times do you click over for just a second and 10 minutes later you realize you got sucked in? The internet, the tv, our phones make it so easy to find anything we want to know or look at in a couple of clicks. Instead of thinking and problem solving we spend that time searching for someone else’s answer or opinion. Now, don’t get me wrong it’s handy and I’m not sure what I would do at this point if it went away today but as I always say, it’s a matter of balance….a healthy balance. 

What about spending time trying to support, take care of, or control those around us? 

This can take up valuable physical time as well as mental and emotional time. It’s very difficult to self-care and focus on your own goals when you are busy running everyone else’s life. Why? That’s the first question you should ask yourself. Why am I doing it? Is it something I have to do or something I feel I need to do? Obviously, this eliminates taking care of children, the disabled, or the elderly. This is about feeling like the people around you can’t manage their own lives without your input. 

Is this making sense to you? Do a couple of names come to mind? It’s important, to be honest, and really look at the situation objectively. Is this your problem? How much control do you really have? What happens if you step back and let them do it on their own? What is the worse thing that could happen? Now with that last one be super honest with yourself. If you slowed down to really evaluate your role in the situation and your level of control, you might just see your participation is taking more than giving. 

As you are evaluating your current life, eliminating your time wasters, letting go over control and focusing on your own wants don’t forget to be present and enjoy the moment.

CHALLENGE: Instead of waiting for another season of your life to open up and “better time” to focus on you, challenge your current schedule to make time for the things that matter most. Time is not infinite and waiting to take that step means you’re already behind. Take a leap of faith instead and put your plan into action!

I Know YOU Can Do It!

 

 

Quitting, Giving In vs Giving Up

Do you find it hard to quit, give up, or admit failure? Is it because you are hyper-competitive, hard-headed, or unaware when enough is enough? Can you think of a time when you threw in the towel and now you regret that decision? Now can you think of a time when you should have given in a little sooner than you did? What’s the right answer? Well, I wish I had that, each situation is different but knowing yourself, your wants, your needs, and your limitations may make finding the answer much easier.

The good news is...no matter which scenario you identify with you have options. Options to think about it differently and options to react in a different manner. See, we are always learning and growing. As new challenges are presented and we problem-solve to find the answer, we are growing. As we age and experience life and the love and loss that go with that, we are growing. As we change and cope, finding new ways to connect and belong to the world around us, we are growing. 

It’s important that we are always mindful of this part of life because it means we don’t always have all the answers….well let’s get this on the table now, we will NEVER have all the answers!  So it means that sometimes we make decisions based on the limited information and experiences we have at the time. The only way we can evolve is to take something away from every situation, learn from it and grow. Quitting is a tough subject because we are taught from an early age to never quit and never give in which might be the most damaging advice you can give. You won’t win every fight….you aren’t supposed to. So to never give in means more loss and more emotional pain as you come to this realization.

Let’s first talk about giving up…..throwing in the towel, calling it quits. How easy is this for you? Are you quick to give up on yourself and your abilities? What does that internal talk track sound like? Oh, Kendall you know you hate to sweat...you just aren’t made for the elliptical and all that huffing and puffing...you are a creative and need to save your energy for your mind. Do you know what I mean….can you justify quitting on yourself before you give up on someone else? 

The core of your being always needs to be strengthened - it carries the weight of everything you want and need to do. Having a strong core means you can withstand the pressure of things not going your way. Having a strong core means you can bend and be flexible when you need to be. An import muscle of our “core” is our self-concept and confidence. 

How important is self-confidence? The more confident you become, the more you’ll be able to calm the voice inside you that says, “I can’t do it.” You’ll be able to unhook from your thoughts and take action in line with your values. 

Building self-confidence doesn’t mean you won’t fail. But confidence will give you the perspective you need to evaluate, learn, and grow from the failure. It will give you the core strength to separate emotionally and know that it’s not a personal failure but an opportunity to give it another go embodying what you’ve just learned.  By being more willing to fail, you'll actually succeed more — because you're not waiting for everything to be 100 percent and perfect before you act. Taking more shots will mean making more of them.

If you bristle up and say “I’m not a quitter” I will keep trying no matter what…...it’s the no matter what that can be the most damaging to you and the people you love. Knowing yourself and your limitations + your areas of control are the keys. 

Consider making a list of all the impossible situations you are trying to manage right now. Instead of just burying your head and trying harder, be willing to dig into the “why” - why you can’t let go and surrender. Just as you would make a pros and cons list to make a decision, add another column shedding light on what you could gain by moving on. This could be really eye-opening! It’s important to see if from all angles. Our perception can get very narrowed when we are only looking through one, potentially distorted lens. 

Giving up is easy - it is usually associated with a half-hearted effort, lack of resilience, a little forethought, and most of the time, premature. 

Giving in - is the decision that something isn’t worth continuing. You’ve given it your all, weighed the pros and cons, have come to a place of acceptance that this isn’t your time, your fight, your right...and you make an educated decision to move on. 

CHALLENGE: Evaluate the resistance in your life. Are you not trying hard enough or do you need to redirect your energy in a new and more positive direction? Free yourself from the fear of failure and learn when and where your efforts will have a greater impact.

I Know YOU Can Do It!

Creatively Finding YOU

Are you in there somewhere? Has it been a long time since you’ve come face to face with yourself? Life can bog you down and take you off your path and to unforeseen avenues you never dreamt of. Sometimes it’s difficult to find your way back and sometimes it’s just easier to keep going in the same direction. The work isn’t always simple and at certain times in your life, it can take quite a bit of focus. Are you ready to reconnect with YOU? You may just discover someone new, enlightened, courageous, driven, resilient and dying to be seen.

Try and remember where you might have taken a different turn and loss touch with yourself. It’s not easy to pinpoint.  The logical place to start is in the beginning but do you ever really know who you are as a child? Sure you have dreams...BIG dreams but are you really in touch with who you are and what you are supposed to be? I love the innocence of a child though. They believe in themselves and see obstacles as challenges. They aren’t cynical or judgemental and they haven’t accepted the labels that life will eventually throw at them. 

In elementary everyone likes everyone small like them, they don’t see differences in the same way...it’s just another little person who wants to play. When we start dividing into groups and clicks we start seeing a difference and learning judgments good and bad. We start hearing negativity and we start believing it. It can shape the way we see the world around us and our place in it. 

I always wanted to be an actress from the time I could talk. My Dad has a tape of me saying at age 5 I was going to be a movie star so if I mentioned anything else, it was never noted. It was probably fitting had I gotten my big break. I was super outgoing, never met a stranger, and fearless. I’m not saying I had any talent but I was definitely willing. Not much has changed there I’m still an extrovert but through the years I have learned a little more about fear and wearing my heart on my sleeve. Oh, I still reach out to strangers but I would say I’m a little more guarded. 

Doesn’t life do that to you? Heartache, trauma, and pain will shape your personality. At times it can put distance between you and the world and you and yourself. Each layer of experience and callous we pile on top pushes the bright-eyed dreamer further down until she might be hard to find or recognize.

PsychAlive says: The greatest and most important adventure of our lives is discovering who we really are. Yet, so many of us walk around either not really knowing or listening to an awful inner critic that gives us all the wrong ideas about ourselves.

Start by uncovering you past and challenging your perceptions. It's easy to pick up or absorb the ideas, concepts and even bad habits from parents and caregivers. If left unchallenged they become a part of our being whether we identify with them or not. You are growing and evolving and what was acceptable at one stage of your life may have no place today.

• What do you like?
• What don't you like? Almost as important
• What do you value
• What do you want to do?
• What are you good at?
• What would you like to do better?

Take some time in finding the answers. This can be exciting and definitely the fun part of the journey. 

You are never too old, too lost, or too set in your ways to reinvent yourself.  You may not be able to escape the pressures of life to make a radical leap in a new direction BUT, you can find time in your schedule to dedicate to your own self-discovery. Your strength, awareness, and healthy self-concept will only help you in every aspect of your life so it should be a priority. 

CHALLENGE: Get creative because you are important - your health, well-being, and happiness and important. Don’t accept a lack of identity, don’t put your goals on pause, don’t settle for fulfilling someone else's dreams. Take time to explore and creatively find YOU!

I Know YOU Can Do It!

 

Crushing Self-Doubt

We are talking about self-doubt and most importantly, crushing it! What could be causing us to doubt ourselves? Could it be that we stay trapped, and held back by limiting beliefs? Ignoring all the good stuff and going right to the bad. Instead of crushing self-doubt we squash our hopes and dreams believing we aren’t good enough.

So, what do you tell yourself when you think about the future or you have your sights set on something you really want? Do you give yourself a positive pep talk? GO FOR IT! You deserve nothing but the best! You possess all the power to make that happen. You have what it takes to be a success! This is going to be easy because YOU ROCK! 

Or…..does it sound much different?

You’re lazy. You have horrible taste in Men/Women. You aren’t smart enough. You're Not worldly enough You’ve made too many bad choices. You're selfish!

As the years go by, that kind of self-talk becomes labels, whether true or not, they are sewn into the fabric of our being. They become part of our core, the vocabulary we use about ourselves, and the thoughts we hold of ourselves.

How could you reframe your limiting belief to be a positive vs a negative? 

Before we learn how to do this let’s find out where these thoughts are coming from. Why do you have self-doubt? When did you stop believing that anything is possible? Early in life when you ask a child what they want to be when they grow up you are likely to hear the impossible. An actress and a dog groomer, an astronaut, a rock star, the President, a model...the list can go on and on and it could be a wild combination of things they love.  Then somewhere down the line self-doubt creeps in...maybe some reality, but self-doubt is leading the way. 

Negative self-talk is something that most of us experience from time to time, and it comes in many forms. It also creates significant stress, not only to us but to those around us if we're not careful. Learn to notice when you're being self-critical so you can begin to stop. For example, notice when you say things to yourself that you wouldn't say to a good friend or a child.

What does your inner voice sound like? Is it hard to hear the positive over the negative? Which one is louder?

Challenge these beliefs because they are preventing you from having the confidence to trust yourself 

1. Write them down or say them out loud. Does that sound right? Is that you at all?
2. Try and think back to the root of this belief. Who said it? What was the circumstance in which it came up?
3. Reframe this idea. What could be the positive outcome of this type of behavior or belief?
4. Prove this wrong. Step outside of your perceived comfort zone and right this wrong. 

Challenge: When you feel doubt creep in, take a time out and ask yourself where, why, and how. Where is this coming from, why am I listening to it, and how can I get back on track! You deserve all life has to offer so don’t give in to negative self-talk and self-doubt.

I Know YOU Can Do It!