Encouragementology

Bloom Where You're Planted

SHOW NOTES:

On this show…...we are talking about patience & resilience, the concept of Bloom Where You’re Planted. Are you ever exactly where you want to be in your life? It’s ok to be pointed toward the horizon but keeping your focus, hopes, and dreams there means you can’t prosper where you are. Today we are here. Why wait another moment to bloom. It may not be a perfect time but today has been given to you and each one should be preciously handled. There is opportunity all around you, here, and there.

Sometimes it takes hearing something over and over and over before it takes root and other times it’s a revelation. I just heard “Bloom Where You’re Planted” last week. BOOM it hit me!

Hearing it out of context, you could think it means just be happy with who you are and where you are and don’t strive for better. However, that isn’t where my mind went. I would have pruned those roots right out because I’m all about goal setting, action planning, and personal growth. What I heard is you have an opportunity today and every day. If you put off personal development until you reach your destination then you’ve missed some of the ripest opportunities for growth.

Today, you might not be able to change your logistical circumstance but you can change your mindset and find a new way to grow in ways you hadn’t thought of. When things are going perfectly you don’t have to be as creative, patient, or resilient. It’s when you hit a challenging time that it forces you to modify your approach and look for positive alternatives. 

Manfred F. R. Kets de Vries helps us understand and deal with disappointment in an article he wrote for Harvard Business Review. 

We can’t avoid disappointment so we have to find ways to walk through it, understand it, and learn. I’ve heard it before - “I don’t have any expectations”. Which sounds good and super healthy but doesn’t it sound realistic? What happens when your expectations are for other people? Talk about disappointing. That was one of those ideas that didn’t immediately take root for me. “You can’t change other people.” I guess when I first heard it being a headstrong teenager, I took it as a challenge. A heart-breaking, overwhelmingly frustrating challenge. 

 I found this article that breaks it down a bit: Expectations are premeditated disappointments: Five ways to maintain a flexible mindset in an uncertain world

1. Put your thoughts and feelings somewhere you can look at them. 
2. Notice your time-traveling mind.  Your mind’s ability to travel in time is amazing.
3. Intentionally take varied perspectives.
4. Establish a “present-moment anchor”.
5. Label expectations as to what they are: hopes and worries.

See you’ve always had the power, even when you’ve felt completely helpless. I love a change in perception, it opens up a whole new world of possibilities. So just like my revelation of “Bloom Were You’re Planted”, I find new ways of seeing the same thing when I listen to others. 

Mallory Joy gives us 5 Ways to Bloom Where We're Planted in her article for Medium

1. Embrace the challenge.
2. Stop complaining.
3. Focus on others.
4. Celebrate the small things.
5. Visualize the future.

Embrace the difficulty, knowing that these experiences make you who you are. There will be beauty from ashes, but it’s just the challenge at the moment to keep that end goal in mind.

CHALLENGE: take a moment and notice where you are. Be thankful for the gift of awareness and the power to make the most of every moment. Have patience as you dig in and bloom where you’re planted. Seize the day and shine!

 

I Know YOU Can Do It!

Feeling Guilty for Feeling Guilty?

SHOW NOTES:

On this show….we will be releasing guilt. Are you tired of feeling guilty for feeling guilty? You aren’t alone. We’ve all done something we aren’t very proud of, disappointed someone, and let ourselves down. Carrying shame and guilt can be a full-time job that prevents you from realizing your true potential. I wish we could just let go of what doesn’t serve us in a positive way but let’s be honest, it is not that easy. The first step is awareness, then understanding, and then if you are good and ready...the releasing.

When do you feel those guilty feelings creeping in? Sometimes they can grab you in the pit of your stomach and say “hey...are you forgetting something?” and you are back to square one. Reminded of everything you’ve done wrong instead of what you’re doing right. Catching yourself before you start to spiral means you can change direction. “Nooooo...I haven’t forgotten anything BUT I did forgive myself and today I’m working on myself and staying stuck in the past, where I don’t have the control to change anything, it’s helpful! So back off!”

MADISYN TAYLOR reminds us that ...There is freedom that comes with awareness, because with it comes the opportunity to make a choice.

Fatin Khan, gives some ways to work on self-awareness:

If we are concocting the right recipe for a change in behavior then we have to add a dash of willingness. No one can want the change more than you. Sure, your family can plead with you concerned about your well being. Your partner can beg you to let go and move one.  But all the self-help books, motivational blogs, and inspirational quotes won’t be enough to make it happen. You have to be open and willing and wanting something more. 

I found The Definitive Guide to Guile from Dr. Susan Krauss Whitbourne : 

Guilt Cause #1: Guilt for something you did. 

Guilt Cause #2: Guilt for something you didn’t do, but want to.

Guilt Cause #3: Guilt for something you think you did.

Guilt Cause #4: Guilt that you didn’t do enough to help someone.

Guilt Cause #5: Guilt that you’re doing better than someone else.

Our feelings are important and what directly impacts the quality of our lives. For too many of us, feelings have been cast off and or shoved done so we can maintain a normal appearance to everyone around us. But unlike Scarlett O’hara, not everyone can afford to push these feelings off for another day. It’s important to deal with your emotions today and understand where your power to change comes from. 

So is shame the cherry on top? As if guilty feelings weren’t enough, we have to add shame to the mix to tighten the chains and keep a positive future a little further from our reach.

Dr. Neel Burton sheds some light on Shame and Guilt in an article he wrote for Psychology Today.  

...Shame and guilt often go hand in hand, which is why they are so often confused. For instance, when we injure someone, we often feel bad about having done so (guilt), and, at the same time, feel bad about ourselves (shame).

So let’s add a little control or lack of to the pot. What can I do NOW to control the situation? Since we’ve established the obvious, I have no control over the past then the only place I do have control is in the present which will predict the future. 

Better butter up the forgiveness because that’s the only thing standing between me and the completion of this dish. I have to forgive to move forward. 

I love the perspective of Darlene Lancer in her article 18 Tips to Overcome Guilt and Forgive Yourself. 

Here are just a few of her suggested tips:

1. If you’ve been rationalizing your actions, take responsibility. “Okay, I did (or said) it.”
2. Write a story about what happened, including how you felt about yourself and others involved before, during, and after.
3. Analyze what were your needs at that time, and were they being met. If not, why not?

Forgiving yourself is not forgetting. There is learning and growth in forgiveness. You have more chapters to explore and being encumbered with the past will just derail your journey. 

 

CHALLENGE: Don’t dismiss your emotions or allow negative feelings to rewrite your destiny. You have the power to walk through guilt and shame, understand your role and responsibility, evaluate your control, and let go so that you can move forward with the freedom to realize your true potential.

 

I Know YOU Can Do It!

Instilling Hope - Connect, Understand, Encourage

SHOW NOTES:

On this show…..we are talking about hope and most importantly, instilling hope. Such a beautiful subject in the midst of what feels like hopeless times. I want you to know you have power! A real power to affect change. All we have to do is tap into it, activate it, nurture it, and spread it. Hope is an optimistic state of mind that is based on an expectation of positive outcomes with respect to events and circumstances in one's life or the world at large. As a verb, its definitions include: "expect with confidence" and "to cherish a desire with anticipation." The very act of being hopeful instills hope.

Encouragementology is the practice of instilling hope. A practice I created to make the act of encouraging others more intentional. Did you know that according to science and research, most of us live 95% to 97% of our lives on autopilot . . . we don t consciously think about many of the things we are doing each day.

I talk about the revelation that started my journey...What I found through that experience changed my world and uncovered my true purpose. I think your purpose was instilled in you at an early age and for some, it came to the surface naturally and for others, an exhaustive search just left them more confused. It may be because your “true purpose” sounds so grand and meaningful when it may be so blatant and simple. 

Encouragement. That’s what the world needs most. Love, yes, that is a given but encouragement makes things happen. Gives ideas flight. Lifts a person over an obstacle and propels them further and faster. Encouragement instills hope. 

But don’t just take it from me…..I found some good stuff on factgoods.com Words of Encouragement and Inspiration and the Science Behind How they Work

Let’s think about the ability to instill hope when your first thoughts are dejected. You wake up full of regret and anxiety about the day. You have work left undone, bills piling up, and a bank account that is shrinking. Where is the joy and how are you supposed to fake it.  You take that sour attitude with you into your first encounter. Someone else hit the snooze too many times and grumpy has some company. You both make matters worse by finding even more wrong with the world. Now you are searching for others to pull into your pit of despair. Not enough in your immediate vicinity….no worries, you have the whole Facebook network to inform. All the likes and loves just confirms this day sucks!  

Exhausting!! How about you climb back into bed and start this over by harness your power to affect change. The alarm goes off and you take a moment to listen, and ready your mind to find gratitude. Today I will have a positive outlook, no matter what or who crosses my path, I’m in charge of my mind. Thank you for a chance to share encouraging thoughts with another person today. I’m going to seize the opportunity to make a difference. You stay lifted as you head into work and encounter your first person. Ah, he seems down, let me remind him of all that is right with the world. “Good morning Stan, thank you for your help last week with those reports, I couldn’t have done it without you. Have a great day! Remember, you’re in charge”. You diverted Stan with a moment of positive reflection which just might have snapped him out of his mood. But here is the great thing about encouragement. It isn’t your job to make Stan see the positives in the day, it’s only to instill hope and let him uncover them himself. 

Continuing to build up our pro’s column, here are five more benefits of encouragement from Kevin Eikenberry.

• Encouragement provides awareness 
• Encouragement creates belief
• Encouragement builds confidence
• Encouragement improves attitude
• Encouragement promotes action

Did you know that you can actually fake a smile as an ice-breaker? Today with so much communication being experienced through technology, even having direct eye contact can seem forward. But do it anyway and then smile. 

We dig a little deeper into the science of something so simple. Here is an article I found from Leo Wildridge: The Science of Smiling: A Guide to The World’s Most Powerful Gesture

We explore Here’s Your CUE... To give people an applicable take-away from my sessions I developed Here’s Your CUE. CUE stands for: connect, understand, and encourage. This idea is tangible and easier to identify. 

It starts with making a connection. Not on the phone or over the internet, but a real face-to-face connection with another human being.  Next is to understand….You don’t have to agree with someone to understand where they are coming from. Just listen to understand. And lastly...Encourage. “You Can Do It! I know you can, I have faith in you, I believe that you can succeed, I know you have what it takes, I’m confident you can do it!”

Maintaining strong human connections is not only your gift to humanity it is for your own well-being and survival. Donna Pisacano Brown wrote a piece for LiHerald.com called The Power of Human Connection:

 

CHALLENGE: Take control of your day and point your trajectory in a positive way. Use your encounters as a chance to instill hope by connecting, listening to understand, and offering words of encouragement. What are you waiting for? Here’s your CUE!

 

I Know YOU Can Do It!

Zoning Out and Finding Peace

SHOW NOTES:

On this show….we will be zoning out to find some peace! Unplugging from the fear zone, the hate zone, the stress, zone, and of course, the negativity zone. It’s quite alright to bury your head in the sand every once in a while and find a little zen. Everything in moderation, even moderation. I can’t imagine there is a person out there today who wouldn’t echo that enough is enough and if given the opportunity, welcome peace with open arms. Well, guess what? We don’t have to wait for the clouds to part...we can make them separate and conjure the sun. You have the power to find and adopt a peaceful attitude.

We explore the fact that everyone wants your attention, to agree with their opinions, and ultimately, their agendas. You don’t have to seek “it” out - it’s all around you finding new ways to get in your face and capture your attention.

I found some interesting research that I haven’t even considered from the Pews Research Center on Psychological Stress and Social Media Use

BY KEITH HAMPTON, LEE RAINIE, WEIXU LU, INYOUNG SHIN AND KRISTEN PURCELL

This study explores the digital-age realities of a phenomenon that is well documented: Knowledge of undesirable events in other’s lives carries a cost — the cost of caring.

 

In the last 30 days, how often have you:

• Been upset because of something that happened unexpectedly
• Felt that you were unable to control the important things in your life
• Felt nervous and “stressed”
• Felt confident about your ability to handle any personal problems
• Felt that things were going your way
• Found that you could not cope with all the things that you had to do
• Been able to control irritations in your life
• Felt that you were on top of things
• Been angered because of things that were outside of your control
• Felt difficulties were piling up so high that you could not overcome them

Critics fear that these technologies take over people’s lives, creating time pressures that put people at risk for the negative physical and psychological health effects that can result from stress.

Since the competition for your attention is so fierce, the media has gotten much more clever in the way they deliver a headline. Everything has a “burning building” appeal to make you click. Click bait. And because there is an endless stream of updates it’s natural to just skim the headlines to try and keep up. But at what cost?

For my Father who suffered with Parkinsons and dementia, we had to eliminate his news consumption. The headlines were so sensational that he actually felt the danger was more eminent and stayed in a state of fear. My Mother would be classified as a news junky. She religiously reads the paper, watches the news, and checks the headlines on her phone for fun. I wondered what was really going on and how having access to news 24 hours a day was doing to us.

MARKHAM HEID covered this exact topic in his article for Time. He said...A recent survey from the American Psychological Association found that, for many Americans, “news consumption has a downside.”

More than half of Americans say the news causes them stress, and many report feeling anxiety, fatigue or sleep loss as a result, the survey shows. Yet one in 10 adults checks the news every hour, and fully 20% of Americans report “constantly” monitoring their social media feeds—which often exposes them to the latest news headlines, whether they like it or not.

“Try to be aware of how [the news] changes your mood or makes your thoughts more negative,” Davey advises. If you notice a news-induced surge of pessimism, taking a breather with mood-lifting activities like listening to music, exercising or watching something that makes you laugh may all help counteract those dark vibes.

You could also pare back your news habit. “Most of us these days have news alerts set on our smartphones, and 24-hour news on continuously in the background,” he says. “That’s probably far too much.”

I’m not guilty of overconsuming but I am guilty of overthinking. It’s difficult for me to shut it off. I might be thinking about 'to-dos', writing the list, remembering to check the list, obsessing over what I forgot to put on the list, the schedule I have for the week, what would make the schedule more efficient,.....endless I tell you. 

I sleep with a sleep machine-turned to white-noise mixed with heavy rain + two fans to drown it out.  I used to sit and fixate my eyes on something and get the stares. Have you ever had those? It’s almost like you’re in a trance and you can’t look away but what you notice is that your body and mind are perfectly still. With all the gadgets I have today I’ve forgotten that trick and instead, grab a device to eat up any extra time I find myself with.

We walk through these steps on how to unplug and not think -  Give Your Mind a Rest: Practice Not-Thinking - written for pyscologytoday.com 

1. Open your five sense doors to whatever is happening around you.
2. Open the hand of thought.
3. Let the world speak for itself.

Two tips for successfully practicing not-thinking 

1. Don’t let thoughts “stick.”
2. Let go of opinions and judgments.

CHALLENGE: If you feel a media-intake overload take action and unplug, zone out, and find peace. It’s perfectly healthy to be empathetic but it’s not healthy to absorb all that you encounter. You are in control of your consumption so be responsible.

 

I Know YOU Can Do!

The Struggle is Real and Necessary

SHOW NOTES:

On this show...we are talking about the struggle. The struggles we encounter in life, that we need to overcome, and the growth benefits from doing so. I’m not advocating looking for a good struggle or to purposely put yourself in the middle of a challenge but the fact is, they are inevitable, and the better you are equipped to handle them, the better the outcome. I would be remiss if we didn’t also talk about stepping back and letting those in our lives fight their own battles. Everyone needs to experience the process; challenge, fight, perseverance, success, or failure. Letting that happen naturally without your assistance maybe a whole other issue.

First things first, pick your battles! Have you ever been in the middle of a conflict when an enlightening thought enters your mind…”What are you doing?” “Why do you care and is this even your fight?” Drop the other end of that tug-o-war rope and get to a higher vantage point. Where do you want to exert your efforts?

Good for you for being passionate enough to want to help everyone around you but check your motives. Are you passionate about giving and seeing others succeed or do you want to be in control and right? We’ll come back to that to explore it deeper.

But before...let’s go a little deeper into this notion that great growth comes from adversity. Here are 7 ways from 7mindset.com

1-Stimulate your growth with a new perspective
2-See with greater clarity by letting the dust settle
3-Maintain composure through compartmentalizing
4-Give yourself a win by doing something productive
5-Exceed your individual potential by asking for help
6-Give yourself a fresh start with silence
7-Take the long view by elevating another perspective

I like to break out my life into sections, the years I bumped around like a rumba learning to go another direction from all the brick walls I smashed into and then years of enlightenment. You know when one more turn of the pick jar lid brought about a new and brilliant revelation. Why did it take so many years and so many failed attempts to realize something so simple?

Baby scientist, Dr. Vanessa LoBue gives us an idea of how children build resilience in her article; When the Going Gets Tough she wrote for pyscologytoday.com

So what happens when you are hell-bent on saving the world? Or at least it looks like that on the outside. For some reason, you are convinced that people (those in your family and those around you) can’t get through challenges without your assistance.

Even if we don’t dig too far into this deeply rooted compulsive behavior let’s establish this. It’s important for human growth and success that people be given time and space to figure things out. 

Helping others can become addictive. Annika Martins gives us her perspective on this idea in an article she wrote for tiny buddha.

Share your talents and resources. Generously give your time and attention. But you cannot pour a magical tonic on the wounds of every person walking the planet. It’s not your job. And if it were, it’d be a sucky job because you’d fail at it every single day.

Get back in your hula-hoop. A wise woman who was very influential in my own recovery gave me that visual and as a visual learner, it made sense. Imagine standing in the middle of a hula-hoop and having the space around you like your space to operate and a natural buffer to others, a healthy boundary. Snap your figure and you can be back to repeating old patterns, it’s a knee jerk and before you know it you are out of your hula-hoop and into someone else’s. Now it takes focus and consistency to keep your hula-hoop spinning so when you are hanging out in someone else’s - who’s manning yours? 

Ask yourself a couple of qualifying questions:

• Is this my problem?
• What am I forfeiting by redirecting my energy?
• What is the worst that could happen if they fail?
• How much could they gain by working this out on their own? 

 

CHALLENGE: Embrace a challenge with the confidence that you have the power to navigate your way through. Reach out when you need to consult expert advice and encouragement. Step back when your need to fix interrupts someone’s need to learn. 

 

I Know YOU Can Do It!

Teamwork Makes the Dreamwork

SHOW NOTES:

On this show….we are talking about teamwork and the power of connections. Even though being self-sufficient and independent might be A goal it’s not THE goal. We need each other to survive and thrive... and guess what, our soul craves each other. So before you strike out on your own, making your journey to self-discovery a solo mission, settle in as we talk about why creating a healthy network of friends, family, and acquaintances is the only way to travel!

Teamwork makes you think of business but we are talking about relationships with family and friends and the need for connection.

LEAH MANDEL interviewed a scientist to find out why we need friends in an article she wrote for thefader.com

Friends are important. So important, in fact, that it’s been proven that friendship can extend life expectancy and lower chances of heart disease. Friendship helps us survive. Part of why that is has to do with what happens in our brains when we interact with other humans: a 2011 study detailed the role of the neurobiological endogenous opioid system (the stuff in our brains that make us feel good) in positive social relationships; in 2016, researchers found evidence of the release of oxytocin in primate brains during social interactions; and later that year, psychologists conducted a study that suggested levels of pain tolerance can predict how many friends someone has.

At one point we needed each other to survive, really survive - it was the buddy system. You watch my back while I forage for food or you help me build this shelter and provide a different perspective to my ideas. Obviously today, the same threats and challenges don’t exist but our wiring still craves others. 

Leave it to Harvard in one of it’s longest studies to reveal that relationships is what makes us happier and more successful

“The surprising finding is that our relationships and how happy we are in our relationships have a powerful influence on our health,” Robert Waldinger, a psychiatrist, and professor at Harvard Medical School told The Harvard Gazette in 2017. “Taking care of your body is important, but tending to your relationships is a form of self-care too. That, I think, is the revelation.”

“Our study has shown that the people who fared the best were the people who leaned into relationships, with family, with friends, with community,” Waldinger said in the TED Talk.

There has to be a healthy balance. Creating and maintaining healthy relationships shouldn’t feel like another thing on your to-do list, working out, eating healthy, and making friends. It should feel satisfying and rewarding which would motivate you to seek that kind of feeling on a regular basis. I love to blow young people’s minds by telling them about a time when people would “visit”. You know stop by, or pop in, or better yet, a scheduled get-together. I think first they are amazed that you would actually spend a whole afternoon talking with someone. When you can send 5 to 10k abbreviated messages a month, an afternoon with the same person seems like a waste of time! 

Let’s explore other ways to show love from Dr. Roni Beth Tower in an article she wrote for psychology today.

Sharing is so important, so let’s talk about it - What do we share?

• Moments
• Experiences and  Discoveries
• Thoughts and Opinions
• Feelings, concerns, reactions
• Tasks
• Allocating priorities, commitments
• Dreams and Vision

How do we share:

• By spending time together
• By coordinating and organizing
• Through allocating and doing the work, tasks
• By discussing and communicating
• By providing a reality check, another pair of ears
• Through vision and visualization
• Through defining problems and finding and testing solutions
• Through unconscious mirroring

When you find trust, honest, support, and love from a spouse, a long-time friend, or a new acquaintance, nurture that relationship. Make it a priority within your life. If you’ve become complacent and closed off, take this time and an opportunity to open yourself up to the possibilities of a new relationship. Reach out and ask for inclusion and networking. You aren’t the only one with the craving.

CHALLENGE: reach out, in person and schedule some time to get caught up on the lives of those you love. Make room and a real effort to invite more people into your fold. Share, learn, and grow in the love of a strong and supportive network. There is no better investment.

 

I Know YOU Can Do It!

Nipping Negativity in the Bud

SHOW NOTES:

On this show…. We are set on nipping negativity in the Bud! Now you might think, yeah right, every failed attempt starts with good intentions but we aren’t accepting failure here. Instead, we are going to tap into the power we have to drown out, avoid, or bury negativity energy with positive thoughts and actions. Doesn’t every successful ending echo power? The power you have available to you to activate. This show is all about positive alternatives to some of life’s challenges. It’s not about denying that there are real challenges that you will face on a daily if not hourly basis. But instead of sinking in the bog of helplessness, we are searching for positive alternatives to cope and succeed. 

We cover the power to choose. What a wonderful sense of freedom that evokes. You have the power to choose what you allow into your mind and at least, what takes root.

Next, we dive into defining and fully understanding Empathy: the ability to understand and share the feelings of another. You can read into that definition a multitude of meanings. The first thing I heard is the ability to understand. How then,  do you develop the ability to understand? I’m not sure you can fully understand someone without the ability to listen to them. 

Here are some thoughts we are going to explore from Amy Morin, LCSW,  a psychotherapist and author of the bestselling book "13 Things Mentally Strong People Don't Do,". 

Active listening refers to a pattern of listening that keeps you engaged with your conversation partner in a positive way. It is the process of listening attentively while someone else speaks, paraphrasing and reflecting back what is said, and withholding judgment and advice.

Here are some features of active listening:1

• Neutral and nonjudgmental
• Patient (periods of silence are not "filled")
• Verbal and nonverbal feedback to show signs of listening (e.g., smiling, eye contact, leaning in, mirroring)
• Asking questions
• Reflecting back what is said
• Asking for clarification
• Summarizing

These tips will help you to become a better active listener:

• Make eye contact while the other person speaks. In general, you should aim for eye contact about 60% to 70% of the time while you are listening. Lean toward the other person, and nod your head occasionally. Avoid folding your arms as this signals that you are not listening.
• Paraphrase what has been said, rather than offering unsolicited advice or opinions. You might start this off by saying "In other words, what you are saying is...".
• Don't interrupt while the other person is speaking. Do not prepare your reply while the other person speaks; the last thing that he or she says may change the meaning of what has already been said.
• Watch nonverbal behavior to pick up on hidden meaning, in addition to listening to what is said. Facial expressions, tone of voice, and other behaviors can sometimes tell you more than words alone.
• Shut down your internal dialogue while listening. Avoid daydreaming. It is impossible to attentively listen to someone else and your own internal voice at the same time.
• Show interest by asking questions to clarify what is said. Ask open-ended questions to encourage the speaker. Avoid closed yes-or-no questions that tend to shut down the conversation.
• Avoid abruptly changing the subject; it will appear that you were not listening to the other person.
• Be open, neutral, and withhold judgment while listening.
• Be patient while you listen. We are capable of listening much faster than others can speak.
• Learn to recognize active listening. Watch television interviews and observe whether the interviewer is practicing active listening. Learn from the mistakes of others.

Somehow “sharing the feelings of another” has turned into a power struggle of who is right and who is wrong. Sharing the feelings of another doesn’t mean you have to stand in their shoes but it means that you are open to imagine how they must feel. 

To help us explore the different types of empathy, I found some ideas from the Mindtools.com team.

Whatever you focus on grows. Think about that. Imagine you have a watering can instead of a hose hooked up to an endless supply of water. With your watering can, you are going to water and give life and power to something or someone. Would that help you narrow your focus to concentrate on only the things that truly matter? Would you waste your water just to be right or to teach someone else a lesson?  Would you waste an ounce on growing suspicion, negative opinions, or gossip? 

With a limited supply of focus, we are looking for the most impact.  ANGELINA ZIMMERMAN describes 8 Sensational Ways to Create a Positive Impact Every Day for Ince.com

CHALLENGE: activate your power to choose positivity and eliminate negative feelings. Take the time to understand the thoughts and opinions of those around you and love them anyway. Even when you may not agree or fully understand, choose to love.

 

I Know YOU Can Do It!

Grieving Loss & Embracing Happiness

SHOW NOTES

On this show... we are going to complete the circle. Loss is inevitable and grieving happens whether we ask for it or not but happiness is a pursuit. Let’s talk about the many losses that trigger the grieving process whether it’s an insignificant disappointment or a loss that shakes us to our core. How we handle loss greatly impacts how we embrace life and our motivation or happiness. You wouldn’t want one without the other. Loss can be a cruel teacher but without loss, one can’t truly appreciate happiness & joy. 

Might as well start with dark and move to the light right? But why does the grieving process always conjure the idea of sadness, extended mourning, prolonged grief? In fact, the dictionary’s definition of grief is; deep sorrow, especially that caused by someone's death. What is sorrow? A feeling of deep distress caused by loss, disappointment, or other misfortune suffered by oneself or others.

So what is grief? I found some really helpful information from the helpguide.com or understanding dealing with grief.

The grieving process is not the same for everyone

Grieving is a highly individual experience; there’s no right or wrong way to grieve. How you grieve depends on many factors, including your personality and coping style, your life experience, your faith, and how significant the loss was to you.

We cover some different myths about grieving like this on:

Myth: The pain will go away faster if you ignore it

Fact: Trying to ignore your pain or keep it from surfacing will only make it worse in the long run. For real healing, it is necessary to face your grief and actively deal with it.

While grieving a loss is an inevitable part of life, there are ways to help cope with the pain:

• Acknowledge your pain.
• Accept that grief can trigger many different and unexpected emotions.
• Understand that your grieving process will be unique to you.
• Seek out face-to-face support from people who care about you.
• Support yourself emotionally by taking care of yourself physically.
• Recognize the difference between grief and depression.

 

We cover the five stages of grief

• Denial: “This can’t be happening to me.”
• Anger: “Why is this happening? Who is to blame?”
• Bargaining: “Make this not happen, and in return I will ____.”
• Depression: “I’m too sad to do anything.”
• Acceptance: “I’m at peace with what happened.”

I talk about the recent loss of my Father from a long-term illness and facility and how my grieving process started over more than once. 

We walk through the emotional symptoms of grief:

Shock and disbelief
Sadness
Guilt
Anger
Fear

And some of the physical symptoms:

Fatigue
Nausea
Lowered immunity
Weight loss or weight gain
Aches and pains
Insomnia

We explore complicated grief and the importance of reaching out and being willing to round the circle to seeking happiness. 

How do you remain optimistic in the face of severe challenges? Here are three quick tips that can make a big difference I found in an article BY JUSTIN BARISO for inc.com.  Try these in the morning to put you in on the path to seeking happiness.

1. Find someone to thank
2. Pick a time to stop working
3. Plan to give

CHALLENGE: Notice and explore your emotions to determine what you need. Reach out and embrace help and the joy it brings. You have the power to nurture or push yourself as needed. It’s your choice.

 

I Know YOU Can Do It!

Thriving Instead of Just Surviving

SHOW NOTES

On this show….we’re gonna do better than just survive, we’re talking about thriving. Growing, developing, prospering, and flourishing! If you feel stuck in a cycle of barely getting by or through each day, turn up the dial. You don’t have to succumb to simply existing. There are tools, strategies, and connections that can help change your state of mind and put you back in control. 

Think back and try to pinpoint the moment you started losing your fight. If we are going to apply a new strategy we need to know at what point you switched from thriving to just surviving. I shared my own experience with co-dependency and how I was able to break free and focus my energy on healing myself.

I shared a story of Caleb that mirrors aspects of my own told by Christine Hammond a Licensed Mental Health Counselor with over one million downloads of her popular podcast, “Understanding Today’s Narcissist,”. 

The following steps are only an outline of the process that Caleb began. However, the specifics need to be catered for each’s strengths and weaknesses.

1. Acknowledge the obstacle within you. 
2. Make a list of positive and negative characteristics.
3. Choose one thing to change at a time.
4. All change will be met with resistance.
5. Recognize the need for help.
6. Don’t expect immediate praise from others.
7. Be patient with others.

We talked about using self-pity as a crutch. How many times have you wallowed in your own self-pity putting off change because of fear or defiance? Sometimes it’s just easier to stay where you are and lick your wounds shrouding yourself in your own disappointment.

Most people are well-intentioned; they have big dreams and ambitions they want to achieve. Yet day after day, they find themselves stuck in the same routines to the remark of, ‘I’ll do it tomorrow.’ You’ve been there. You know it can feel impossible to change your life when momentum is working against you.

We walked through some ideas from Reece Robertson who is a self-proclaimed freedom addict in an article for medium: Good Intentions Aren’t Good Enough.

Most of us can’t go it alone. Whether you are protecting your pride or a deep dark secret, keeping your true struggle to yourself has been your go-to default. But isolating these thoughts only gives them more power over you. Reach out to a trusted advisor, friend, or family member. Be open to positive and honest feedback. When you are protecting your pity, it’s hard to hear anything on the contrary. Include your willingness to participate in your own recovery in your commitment plan. 

Eric Ravenscraft examines this in an article he wrote for the NY Times on Why Talking About Our Problems Helps So Much (and How to Do It)

There is a fundamental difference between thriving and surviving. Surviving means, “to continue to live or exist,” while thrive can be defined as “to grow or develop well, to prosper or to flourish.”

We talked through some  thought-provoking ideas from Tamara Lechner for chopra.com

Signs You’re Living in Survival Mode

• You choose the path of least resistance.
• You are more reactive than proactive
• You blame circumstances or others or find excuses when things go wrong.
• You feel there is never enough to go around.
• You don’t speak your mind because others might disagree.
• You don’t listen to hear; you listen to answer.
• You see failure as the end result of things gone wrong.
• Change scares you.

Quick Fixes to Get You Started on a Thriving Path

• Think about how you want to feel rather than what you want to have or do.
• Remind yourself of times in the past when you have felt like you were thriving. Visualize these times and remember how it felt.
• Make a vision board or get on Pinterest, where you’ll find inspirational quotes and ideas, and create a collage that reminds you of how you want to feel and what you want to do each day.
• Spend time every day in nature.
• Meditate
• Take a class or attend a retreat.
• Grab a book by someone who inspires you.
• Listen to a podcast or webinar.
• Do something that scares you.
• Change a habit.

CHALLENGE: make a commitment to live your best life. Don’t accept the status quo of barely surviving but instead, remove the barriers that are preventing you from challenging yourself to thrive. The path to self-discovery and your pace is up to you.

 

I Know YOU Can Do It!

Generating Joy - A Feeling You Can Create

SHOW NOTES

On this show….we talked about JOY, one of my favorite subjects. Now, you don’t have to be brimming with joy to participate. That’s just it, we are talking about generating joy. This is something you can actually take control of and make happen yourself. You have the power to be joyful. But harnessing your power and generating joy aren’t the only things we will be discussing, we are going to uncover the benefits of sharing this with others. Your joy and the secret to generating their own.

We talked about why it’s important to strive for a joyful feeling and what it can do to your body.

Carrie Murphy wrote an article on this for Healthline - How Joy Affects Your Body. 

On a scientific level, we feel joy in our neurotransmitters, which are tiny chemical “messenger” cells that transmit signals between neurons (nerves) and other bodily cells. Those neurotransmitters are responsible for processes and feelings in almost every aspect of the body, from blood flow to digestion.

Benefits of feeling more joy:

• promotes a healthier lifestyle
• boosts immune system
• fights stress and pain
• supports longevity

Here are all the ways happiness runs throughout your body.

1. Your brain
2. Your circulatory system
3. Your autonomic nervous system

Did you know that you can even fake a smile to generate joy: “Smiling can trick your brain by elevating your mood, lowering your heart rate, and reducing your stress. The smile doesn’t have to be based on real emotion because faking it works as well.” — Dr. Samuel

You might believe happy people full of joy are people without any problems. They don’t suffer from health issues, financial issues, or relationship issues. They have it all together just running through a field of flowers chasing rainbows. But that isn’t true. Generating and activating joy in your life is a choice. Not being trapped by the negative pressures and the challenges of life is a choice. 

Have you heard of the “Happy Place”? Someone might say to you, “Go to your Happy Place”. This can be more than a metaphor and become an actual place for you, in your mind. A refuge where you are reminded of happy thoughts and feelings to transport you to a healthier state of mind. With a little practice, you can use this escape at will.  (We did a visualization exercise with journaling to conjure up your happy place and use it to transport yourself into an executive state of mind

We talked about rumination and how negative thoughts can prevent you from finding and using your “Happy Place”. Zawn Villines for Medical News Today - How to Stop Ruminating Thoughts

• Here are some ways to stop these thoughts:
• Avoid rumination triggers
• Spend time in nature
• Exercise
• Find a Distraction
• Push back with Interrogation
• Increase self-esteem
• Meditation

Consider collecting all these ideas for the ability to give yourself a “joy injection” whenever you need one. Feeling down today, don’t wait for someone to come along and pick up the pieces. YOU have the power to take control and generate joy. No longer should you succumb to sadness or a feeling of hopelessness. YOU have the power to generate joy.  Be a light, a city on a hill. We are all attracted to a beautiful spirit that gives us hope. Before you allow negativity to block your joy and dim your light, climb up to that higher vantage point and be a city on a hill. One without obstruction that guides others to joy. 

CHALLENGE: Don’t accept sadness as a stage of life. Push back and harness your power to generate joy. Create guides to help you find your Happy Place and share that feeling with others. Shine your light bright enough for others to follow. 

 

I Know YOU Can Do It!