Encouragementology

Challenging Limiting Beliefs, the Other Half of the Ham

SHOW NOTES:

On this show...we are breaking through our limited belief system, challenging what we’ve always known, to find the other half of the ham. Have you ever really thought about where your ideas and opinions come from? Maybe through experience, trials, and tribulations, but how many were planted, early in life, never to be challenged? So many times we adopt an idea as fact or tradition and never question “why”. Why am I still doing this and that and could there be a different, more productive, more joyful, or more successful way? Today we won’t accept: “well, that’s just the way it is, what I’ve always done” without some further exploration.

So the other half of the ham. I better explain this concept as a basis for our talk. I heard this “joke” if you will that hit me with more than just laughter. It opened my eyes to the pitfalls of just accepting something as fact because that’s what we were told, Lord knows when. This goes against my grain because I know for fact, that we are always changing. Not just the world, and all its improvements, but US - we are growing and changing daily so what might have been an idea or opinion that served us in the past, without challenge, we don’t know if it serves us now or in the future. 

So this little girl is in the kitchen with her mother preparing a ham for dinner. She notices that she cuts off the end of the ham and casts it aside. She asks, “Momma, why do you cut off half the ham?” and her mother says, that’s how my mother has always done it. Hmm, let’s call Grandma. So they call Grandma and ask her about cutting off half the ham and she says, “Well, that’s how my mother has always done it, let’s call Granny”. So they give Granny a ring and ask her about this process of cutting off half the ham before you cook it and Granny says…,” Well because that’s what size pan I had”.  After you have a good laugh think about that and then think about all the wasted ham because someone, down the line, didn’t question this belief

AMY MORIN gives us 3 Types of Self-Limiting Beliefs That Will Keep You Stuck in Life (and What to Do About Them) in an article she wrote for Inc.com

• Unhealthy Beliefs About Yourself 
• Unhealthy Beliefs About Others
• Unhealthy Beliefs About the World

There are many different beliefs you have about yourself, other people, and the world around you. And while you're likely to think that all of your beliefs are 100 percent accurate, the truth is you likely hold onto at least a few core beliefs that are irrational and unproductive.

Unhealthy beliefs lead to unhealthy habits. And unhealthy habits produce negative outcomes that ultimately reinforce your unhealthy beliefs. It's a vicious cycle that can be tough to break.

 

It’s hard to acknowledge all the good in your life when you have challenge after challenge but in reality, isn’t that normal?  Even the people you feel “have it all” who seem to be gleaming with success have faced trial after trial. Nothing is easy and even if you are blessed with talent and good luck, you too will fail. It’s a part of life and learning and our journey would be a brisk uneventful walk without it. 

Amanda Alvernaz shares her insight on how These Limiting Beliefs Are Preventing You From Being Successful in a blog article she wrote for Trello.

Many of us are constantly striving to grow professionally and personally in our lives. Every new year we set aside some time to establish brand new objectives and things we want to achieve. We start the year off with admirable willpower but it’s not uncommon to arrive at a point when our motivation drops off and our plans lose their luster.

Psychologist, Robert M., describes in his research the importance and impact of beliefs in our lives. He says:

“Beliefs are like filters on a camera. What the camera ‘sees’ is a function of the filters through which it is viewing its subject. In other words, how we ‘see’ the world is a function of our beliefs and profoundly influences personality.

As a result of our beliefs, we define ourselves as worthy or worthless, powerful or powerless, competent or incompetent, trusting or suspicious, belonging or outcast, self-reliant or dependent, flexible or judgmental, fairly treated or victimized, loved or hated. Your beliefs have far-reaching consequences, both positive and negative, in your life. Beliefs affect your moods, relationships, job performance, self-esteem, physical health, even your religious or spiritual outlook.”

See how just a slight shift in perspective can open up a whole new world of understanding? Isn’t that exciting. It’s like taking a new route instead of the same one you've done hundreds of times in practically a dream state. 

I found some additional ideas from challengingmids.org that will help us identify where to start. 

Here are just a few…

I do/don't - We may define ourselves by what we do or do not do. I may say 'I am an accountant', which means I do not do marketing and should not even think about it, and consequently fail to sell my services well.

I can't - We often have limited self-images of what we can and cannot do. If I think 'I cannot sing' then I will never try or not go to singing lessons to improve my ability. This is the crux of many 'I can't' statements: we believe our abilities are fixed and that we cannot learn.

I must/mustn't - We are bound by values, norms, laws, and other rules that constrain what we must and must not do. However, not all of these are mandatory and some are distinctly limiting. If I think 'I must clean the house every day' then this robs me of time that may be spent on something more productive.

Once you challenge a former belief to test its validity in your life today it’s time to release it. What doesn’t serve you must go. Just as you do a closet overhaul or a garage cleanout, you too can purge old beliefs to make room for new perspectives. 

Matt James Ph.D. suggests these4 Steps to Release “Limiting Beliefs” Learned From Childhood in an article he wrote for Psychology Today.

• Step 1: Write the limiting belief down.
• Step 2: Acknowledge that these are beliefs, not truths!
• Step 3: Try on a different belief.
• Step 4: Take different actions. 

CHALLENGE: don’t accept what you’ve always heard and known to be fact and relevant in your life today. Dust off old concepts, explore their origin and meaning, then challenge these ideas with what and who you are today.  Release what no longer serves you in preparation for the fresh new perspectives you will encounter on your journey.

 

I Know YOU Can Do It!

Morphing Your Mantra to Speak to You

SHOW NOTES: (exerts and resources from the show)

On this show...we’re on the hunt for some new messaging to propel us forward. Words are powerful and can pick you up, placate you, or pull you down. We’re morphing your mantra to speak to you. Whether it’s a quote, an inspirational message, or just a catchy string of words, what you say and set your sights on can make all the difference. Let’s dig into saying it, claiming it, and making it happen - and why what we say directly affects what we think. It’s important to know what you can and can’t control to be effective with your efforts.

Now you might associate the word mantra with yoga or meditation like “ummmm” repeated over and over to put you in a state of awareness. On this show, we are using mantra as a word, words, or quote that you will connect with that means something to your being or in respect to a goal. We are specifically talking about morphing your existing one or taking on a new one because every day we are changing and what served us before may not serve us today or in days ahead.

Mantras can give you that source of inspiration, the anchor to which your goals are tied. When you are feeling lost and uninspired they can help refocus your efforts. Now, you can find mantras for just about anything. 

If you are stressed out

Gotten off track

Need to exercise more

Finding gratitude in the morning

And so on….

But before we dig in to find a source of inspiration, we have a little work to do. What are you trying to do? You can’t just throw inspiration against the wall to see what sticks. You need to pick a goal, a new direction, a state of being, and then find the words to encourage you on your journey. 

Margie Warrell tells us why Your Words Are Powerful: 8 Positive Speaking Habits to Build Yourself Up in an article she wrote for success.com

The words you use hold immense power. Power to fuel your confidence and ambition and power to make you feel anxious and inadequate. Power to make a strong first impression and power to be quickly forgotten. Power to create opportunities and power to shut them down.

1. Hold yourself powerfully.
2. Reframe forward.
3. Avoid absolutes.
4. Avoid absolutes.
5. Shelve the “shoulds.”
6. Express commitment. (Stop “trying”!)
7. Limit the labels.
8. Rephrase problems as opportunities.

One of my favorite quotes is…..”She stood in the middle of the storm and when the wind didn’t blow her way, she adjusted her sails” by Elizabeth Edwards. 

For me, this is that anchor I was talking about. She didn’t run from conflict, she stood where she was, in the middle, and even when nothing was happening, she didn’t take a rest, she looked for wind by adjusting her sails. That speaks empowerment to me and being tenacious. When I’m feeling weak and overwhelmed, I can refer to the feeling I get when I recite this quote. I’ve made bookmarks and magnets for others to share this feeling. 

...Let’s take another look at the power behind what we say and think from an interesting article I found on Legacy.com: WORDS ARE MORE POWERFUL THAN GUNS

There are major differences between verbal and physical violence. A physical attack is obvious and unmistakable. It hurts and often leaves a visible mark.  The pain of verbal violence goes deep to the self and festers there. Because nothing shows on the surface, you can't expect much sympathy or even actual assistance. Worst of all, verbal violence often goes unrecognized, except at a level you probably may not even understand yourself.

If words can hurt, they can also heal. Think of the four words, "I have a dream." The moment they enter your mind, you know who said them -- and why. 

Much has been written about the need for new patterns of communication in our society. There's deep dissatisfaction with the traditional ways of dealing with conflict, from argument to debate to lawsuits to violence. There's a growing feeling that there has to be a better way. 

So many times we say something to someone or even to ourselves never fully understanding the effects of those words. Did you just plant a seed of inspiration to be uncovered at just the right time or maybe a seed of doubt that will stay stuck causing a series of issues. You might have had an opportunity to encourage with your words, and even inspire real action. The point is to be mindful of the power of your words.  Use your time, your effort, and your words wisely. 

Ok, do you have an idea what you want to do or are trying to do that could benefit from some uplifting words? Maybe you need a little extra inspiration to get your mind churning. 

Well, Aaron Westbury gets us started with 25 Motivational Mantras That Actually Work so get ready!  Here are just a few…

Mantra 1: You Didn’t Come This Far to Only Come This Far

This is one of the best motivational mantras as it is a great reminder of how far we have come. By waking up every morning and repeating this mantra, you remind yourself of all the success that you have had in your life and are ready to tackle the day. It makes you realize that if we were to quit, as we all have a tendency to do from time to time, how much we would actually be giving up.

Mantra 2: You Get What You Focus On

Mantra 3: You Can Find an Excuse or You Can Find a Way

Mantra 4: Wake Up. Kick Butt. Be Kind.

Mantra 5: I’m Doing This for Me

Mantra 6: Action Conquers Fear

I’m on a path to learn and grow so my mantra for 2021 is “Wreck me with Revelation”. No longer will I think the way I’ve always thought. Instead, I will be open to new ideas and opinions, I will research, read, study, and listen. And I will be flexible knowing I’m still growing and always learning. 

 

CHALLENGE: pick a target and a purpose then explore motivational words and phrases that speak to you. Be mindful of what you say, think, and share, knowing that power comes from the tongue and plants in the mind. 

I Know YOU Can Do It!

Authentically YOU, Exploring, Nurturing, and Sharing

SHOW NOTES:

On this show…...we are preparing for a new year AND a new you? No no, why does everyone feel this push to reinvent themselves at the beginning of every new year? Push, maybe I should say peer pressure. It’s like you come sliding in under the wire at the end of a year with all sorts of promises to better yourself if you could just start over with a new year. How can you get in touch with your authentic self if you are always feeling less than adequate in fact so sub-par that you actually are looking for ways to become a whole new person. What a roller coaster of shame, regret, and false promises. I say NO - don’t start over, instead, commit to exploring what makes you, YOU, nurturing what needs attention, and then sharing your gifts with others.

What are your typical NYE resolution go-to’s? And most importantly, what is the motivation? Guilt? Peer pressure? Dissatisfaction? 

Never set a goal without a strong personal reason. Well, I should never set a goal in which you plan on being successful, without a strong personal reason. You won’t follow through if it’s to please anyone else, because you feel pressure to do so, or you are just following a crowd. 

Susan Weinschenk Ph.D. tells us more about why New Year’s Eve resolutions don’t work in an article she wrote for psycologytoday.

• You MUST pick a small action. "Get more exercise" is not small. "Eat healthier" is not small.
• You MUST attach the new action to a previous habit.
• You MUST make the new action EASY to do for at least the first week.

If you take these three steps and you practice them 3 to 7 days in a row your new habit will be established.

The best (and some would say the only) way to get a large and long-term behavior change, is by changing your self-story.

Everyone has stories about themselves that drive their behavior. You have an idea of who you are and what’s important to you. Essentially you have a "story" operating about yourself at all times. These self-stories have a powerful influence on decisions and actions.

In his book, Redirect, Timothy Wilson describes a large body of impressive research of how stories can change behavior long-term. One technique he has researched is "story-editing"

I think before you add something new to the mix, you have to first figure out what you are dealing with and to do that, might require some exploration. Finding the authentic you is about peeling back the layers you’ve created to please the world around you and the people in it. 

Over at solutionstoallyourproblems.com Ani wrote: HOW TO FIND YOUR AUTHENTIC SELF WHEN YOU’VE LOST YOURSELF IN PLEASING OTHERS

1. LEARN TO MEET YOUR OWN PHYSICAL NEEDS
2. GIVE YOURSELF SPACE
3. OPEN YOURSELF UP TO THE POSSIBILITIES
4. TRY ON DIFFERENT SELVES
5. KNOW WHEN YOU HAVE ARRIVED

Self-discovery is the fun part but so many people are scared away from delving in and getting to know themselves for fears of facing their past. Would it help to know that your past can not be undone? Facing your past doesn’t mean reliving it. It means acknowledging it, claiming your responsibility, forgiving yourself and others, and then allowing yourself to move on. 

But how in the world can you find time to do it all. The answer is, you can’t. Just like we discussed in the beginning, start with a small action and build from there. Be honest and kind to yourself.

Rachael Wolff from fromalovingplace.com wrote herself a letter as a mantra for better self-care. Why not make a commitment to yourself. 

Dear Self,

Today, I will make a commitment to take 30 minutes or more a day for me. In that time, I will not have my phone on and will do everything in my power not to be distracted by the outside world. I will use this time to show myself love, respect, care, and loyalty. I will do this because it is exactly what I deserve. I will not be too busy and ignore my own personal needs. I know that by being there for myself I will be able to show up more for all the people in my life. I will have a clearer vision of who should and shouldn’t stay in my life. ….. (the whole letter is so inspiring!)

Don’t you wish it were that easy, to say it, claim it, and then follow our own advice. Who knows you better than you? If that answer isn’t YOU, then take that as a cue you need to stay on your quest for self-discovery. While you are out there, keep your eyes open for trust, the ability to trust yourself.

Sarah Williams shares her story of sharing in an article she wrote for addicted2success.com: Sharing is Caring: 6 Scientifically Proven Ways Helping Others Can Improve Your Life

“I’ve come to believe that the simple formula for happiness and success in life lies in caring about others, helping them in any way we can, and sharing what we have….”

1. Helping others is good for your health
2. It helps us handle stress better
3. We form a deeper connection with ourselves thanks to sharing
4. Doing good for others improves our social life
5. Increased happiness levels
6. Give more for better relationships

Share, learn, and grow. If you feel like you’ve hit a plateau in your development, your journey has become stale feeling more like a drudge….reach out and learn from others. Share your own story to build stronger connections. Whether you are sharing or learning, you are always growing. 

 

CHALLENGE: make this a year of self-discovery to be reacquainted with your authentic self. Explore, nurture, and share your gifts with others to unlock additional opportunities.  You are important and deserve added focus, time, and attention.

 

I Know YOU Can Do It!

Organizing Your Life, Finding the Best Solution

SHOW NOTES:

On this show...we are being proactive! No better time to get a jump on the new year than with a solid solution instead of a weak resolution. You might feel a bit turned around as if this last year was a blur. How do you get a handle on what lies ahead when so much is uncertain? You start with what you know, organize your current life, and find the best solution...for YOU! Let’s dig into what is working and what isn’t. What you want and what you need. What you can reach for and what you can realistically handle. Remember, this solution is about you and what fits you best. Isn’t it nice to assert a little control when the world seems out of control? You have the power to make your next move count.

Who loves to organize? Come one now let’s do a quick little test. How many papers are stacked in your file 13 (you know the ones waiting for a day of meticulous filing)? How about your junk drawers, let’s be honest, one rather tidy one or several filled with...hmmm no clue and don’t care? Do you have a closet or two hiding things that have been pushed to the back that you have almost certainly purchased again?

What about your schedule - planned out to the minute or cluttered with more than humanly possible, missed timelines, forgotten appointments, and to-do’s that keep piling up? 

I’m not sure there is a person out there who couldn’t stand to spend a little time organizing their life to find the most manageable way to handle all life throws your way. 

It’s not just about getting on top of what you currently have but to find time to build in rewarding and life-enriching experiences. Don’t get comfortable with punching the clock of life without wanting more. 

With that said - I do feel like there is a systematic way to achieve organization. If someone handed you the formula that removed the guesswork that led to a positive end result quicker with more accuracy...wouldn’t you take it? Why recreate the wheel?

I found a guide with How to Organize Your Life - 10 principles for organizing your work, home, health, fitness, hobbies, finances, and more...from Ambition & Balance, by Doist.

Instead of throwing life’s tasks in the air in hopes you’ll somehow manage to catch them all, follow a framework to keep every area of your life in order.

1. Develop habits and build a routine
2. Plan ahead
3. Embrace your natural inclinations
4. Consistency over perfection
5. Find balance
6. Prioritize appropriately
7. Declutter and simplify
8. Measure your progress
9. Automate or outsource
10. Experiment

Now that you know the ten aspects of the Organize Your Life framework, you can apply it to any number of areas in your life. By having some specific guidelines, you can approach each area with more confidence and less stress. 

Work

It’s likely you spend the majority of your waking hours at work. Work represents what most people are actually organizing their lives around. There are endless conversations on how to organize the time we’re not working – early mornings, during lunch breaks, and after-hours into the evening. Less attention is paid to how people should organize their workdays and make the most out of the 8 hours you’re likely spending at a desk. 

Home

Home is where it all happens. From doing the dishes to dinner parties, keeping up a clean and tidy household is a never-ending unpaid job. However, by being diligent and using some outsourcing hacks, running a household can be a little easier. 

Health and Fitness

Making time for a healthy lifestyle is a multiplier for everything else: we become better at our jobs, can be more present for our loved ones, and feel more motivated to tackle life’s other challenges. Unfortunately, it’s also often the first thing to fall to the wayside when the stress of everyday life takes over. 

Finances

Money can buy financial freedom and peace of mind. It can also buy a whole lot of things we don’t need. By organizing your finances with care, you can set yourself up for the future without depriving yourself in the present. 

Relationships

Make time for planning social outings. The older and busier we become, the less time there seems to be for spontaneous date nights and random coffee dates with friends. Proactively plan time with all the people in your life you care about, rather than waiting for plans to assemble themselves.

Deciding how to organize your life isn’t about precisely what time you should wake-up in the morning or exactly where you should store your important documents. Rather than getting caught up in these details, pay attention to the bigger principles of leading a good life. 

 

CHALLENGE: Instead of being led by your life, find the right solution to lead your best life. Organizing, reprioritizing, letting go, and making space will give you the control and enrichment your life is craving.

 

I Know YOU Can Do It!

Sharing Your Knowledge, Applying What You've Learned

On this show...we’ll be putting it all together. A compilation if you will. All the experience you’ve acquired, the challenges you’ve overcome, the tests you’ve failed, and the struggles you’ve emerged victorious. We’re pulling them all together. It’s time to share your knowledge as you apply what you’ve learned. That’s right, it wasn’t all for nothing. Each time you heard no and persevered to get the yes, you learned a valuable lesson. These lessons together shaped who you are today and that my friend, needs to be shared with others. We are all on our own journey traveling at our own pace. There are people all around us, including us that have something to teach and a valuable impact to make.

I love a different perspective. Just a slight twist can cause you to look at a situation with fresh, unfiltered eyes. Failures are valuable lessons. Not something you seek out but something you can definitely learn from that could alter your course in a positive and profound way. 

That’s something to be thankful for. That’s a new perspective. Typically, failures are something to be ashamed of, to hide from, and cover-up. Taking the emotional baggage and pushing it deep down, disassociating ourselves with the event and denying our role. Not only is there no lesson learned from that approach but it’s actually counter-productive delivering even more damage. 

Harvey Mackay shares more on this introduction to that way we think in his article, Change your perspective, change your life, that he wrote for bizjournal.com

Perspective has many definitions, such as the ability to understand what is important and what isn't, and the capacity to view things in their true relationship or relative importance.

Consider this excellent example of how differently people view the same subject in this ancient fable.

Four blind men were asked to examine an elephant and to describe its appearance.

• The first blind man felt the elephant’s leg and declared that the creature was like a tree.
• The second blind man felt the elephant’s enormous side and said that it was like a wall.
• The third man felt the tail and was positive that the elephant was like a rope.
• The fourth felt the tusk and likened it to a spear.

Each man’s notion of reality was limited by the number and kind of attributes he had been able to perceive. Four different perspectives, four different conclusions. None of them had enough information to arrive at a reasonable answer. Acting on limited information is one of the biggest mistakes we can make.

Once I had my first revelation, a shift in my thinking that elicited an AH-HA moment, I wanted more. I loved the freedom this new perspective brought and I wanted to challenge everything else I had ever thought. There was no way I could have done this level of discovery on my own. I had to seek out support and then listen to new ideas. Most importantly, be willing to accept a new way of thinking.  

Now, no matter where you are on your journey, this show is all about SHARE, LEARN, AND GROW - so I found some lessons you might not have experienced yet so for you this is the gift of knowledge. And for some of you, these might be revelations since you’ve lived it BUT didn’t know you were in the midst of a learning experience so for you, this is the gift of enlightenment. 

Miles Rote shares 30 Life Changing Lessons Adventure Has Taught Me in an article he wrote in Under30experiences.com

1. When you are done with an experience, compost it, don't throw it out
2. Obstacles aren't roadblocks, they're road signs
3. Adventure is the greatest path to knowledge & happiness

...check out the show or the link to review all 30!

Let me share some of mine with you:

A great work ethic is noble but won’t solve all the world’s problems. You can’t just put your head down and keep digging the ditch, faster, putting in more hours, and going deeper. You have to be strategic and sometimes that comes with slowing down and reflecting on what you have and where you are. 

Don’t be in such a rush to get somewhere. Grow up, get married, have kids, climb to the top of the ladder in your career. Time flies and if you get in a rush, you are propelled through the best parts. Slow down and enjoy. 

Love is your most rewarding asset. Being loved and loving others is essential to health and happiness. Don’t isolate yourself thinking independence means you are rewarded for doing everything on your own. You need a consistent flow of love in your life.

Serving others from a place of purpose and passion is the quickest way to unlock joy in your life. Nothing nourishes your soul more than being there for someone else in a true hour of need. Financially, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Give from your heart when you see someone in need - even when you don’t see it. Acknowledging someone is the only ice breaker you need. 

MANON RINSMA-LEONARD, MSC. explains why we are Stronger by Sharing: “5 Reasons Why It’s Important to Share Your Story” in an article for strongerbysharing.com

Bursts of laughter, tears of joy, sobs of sadness, love, grief, anger, it is all part of our story we call ‘Life’. It is a journey, a quest to pursue happiness. There are ups and downs, highs and lows, for some more extreme than others, but either way, there are so many stories out there.

• Find your Voice
• Empower Others
• Create Hope
• Create Hope
• Emotional Healing

Judith E Glaser - Learn to Talk WITH People, Not at Them

Love her research on the importance of sharing - not just about the weather or a quick catch-up. Sharing your challenges, struggles, goals & desires. 

 

CHALLENGE: be in constant pursuit of knowledge. Look deeper at your struggles to find a new perspective and the lesson you will add to your experience bank. Use this learning to tell your story and impact others as you share what you’ve learned. 

 

I Know YOU Can Do It!

Breaking Perfectionism's Power Over You

SHOW NOTES:

On this show...we are releasing our need to over-perform, over commit, and over criticize as we break perfectionism’s power over us. Deep down we realize being perfect at everything every time without fail isn’t attainable but yet, it doesn’t stop us from raising our expectations and never being satisfied with anything other than winning. Think about that, the feeling of never being satisfied with our performance and therefore, never feeling the joy of accomplishment. That just won’t do.

Perfectionism: refusal to accept any standard short of perfection.  Immediately my ears perk up when I hear the words “refusal to accept”. There is your wall keeping you from learning and growing. At what point in your life did you adopt this stance, the refusal to accept? In the early years when you were just getting started in life. You had all the energy and motivation but also a serious lack of experience and growth. Certainly not the ideal recipe for drawing such a line in the sand. 

Refusal to accept any standard short of perfection. What then is perfect? Completely free from faults or defects, or as close to such a condition as possible.

I wonder who added the “....or as close to such a condition as possible” HA It had to be when they figured out, perfect is impossible. So there you go, you have a safety net. When it can’t be perfect, get as close as you can. 

But even that level of expectation can wreak havoc in your life. Nothing could be more subjective; when it can’t be perfect, get as close as you can. Are YOU ok with admitting THAT is as close as you can come to perfect and then being willing to stop and pat yourself on the back, a job well done!?

Elizabeth Scott, a wellness coach specializing in stress management helps us answer these questions with an article she wrote for verywellmind.com: Perfectionist Traits: Do These Sound Familiar?

Perfectionists are a lot like high achievers, but with some key differences. The following are ten telltale traits of perfectionists, that you may be able to spot in yourself or in the people you know. Do any of these sound familiar?

• All-or-Nothing Thinking
• Highly Critical
• Pushed by Fear
• Unrealistic Standards
• Focussed on Results
• Depressed by Unmet Goals
• Fear of Failure
• Procrastination
• Defensiveness
• Low Self-Esteem

With all or nothing thinking, you have one try and that’s it. If the following people adopted that philosophy we wouldn’t have:

• Disney
• The lightbulb among a gazillion other inventions
• Harry Potter
• Dr. Suess
• Microsoft
• Oprah - and all she does
• Heck, even KFC!

Rebecca Knight gives us some insight into How to Manage Your Perfectionism in an article she wrote for The Harvard Business Review

Perfectionism is a double-edged sword. On one hand, it can motivate you to perform at a high level and deliver top-quality work. On the other hand, it can cause you unnecessary anxiety and slow you down. 

• Look at the big picture
• Create a checklist
• Break the cycle of rumination
  • Identify your triggers
  • Don’t trust your first reaction
  • Seek a diversion
  • Think positive
• Get some perspective
• Monitor your progress

Let’s all do a little visualization, shall we? You at age 21 (and if you are now 21, take it back to age 15) What if that person was still in charge today, make all your life’s decisions. Oh sure they thought they knew everything and were in total control and NO one could have told them differently. They weren’t open, honest, and un-opinionated. Hey give them a break, they were green which is a nice way of saying dumb. Ok, they were a little dumb. 

They needed a gentle push, and some trials just challenging enough to open their eyes and to realize, they needed to accept help and possibly a different perspective. Possibly from people who have already been there and done that. 

You learn from other people, walking through life, making mistakes, being down, and getting back up. Never should you refuse to accept whether it’s ideas, a new perspective, help, support, kindness, or love. 

Shutting yourself off to change and accepting that you are as good as you will ever be is a travesty no matter what your age or present circumstance. You have the power for real change. Breaking the power of perfectionism gives you permission to try until you, just figure it out. 

Awareness is breaking the power. Let’s dig more into the way we think and why. Micheal Schwantes shares 10 Things Emotionally Intelligent People Refuse to Think as a way to expose negative thinking patterns.

1. All or nothing thinking
2. Over-generalization
3. Minimizing or magnifying (also, catastrophizing)
4. Using words like "should," "need to," "must," and "ought to" as motivation
5. Labeling
6. Jumping to conclusions (mind-reading or fortune-telling)
7. Discounting the positive
8. Blame and personalization
9. Emotional reasoning
10. Mental filtering

Ready to let go of the unobtainable and mind-shift to acceptance? Thomas Oppong wrote: Make Life Easier on Yourself by Accepting “Good Enough.” Don’t Pursue Perfection, Pursue Progress - for medium.com

...Done is better than perfect. The real world doesn’t reward perfectionists. It rewards people who get things done. Give yourself time in your life to wonder what’s possible and to make even the slightest moves in that direction.

...Free yourself from the fear of mistakes. When you follow your own true north you create new opportunities, have different experiences, and create a different life.

You have the power to break perfectionism’s hold over you. It starts today with accepting who you are and where you are as good enough. Tomorrow you can forge out in a new direction.

 

CHALLENGE: let self-acceptance be the guide on your journey instead of blindly following the misleading beacon to perfection. You are good enough and change should come from a desire to learn and grow, not to please. 

 

I Know YOU Can Do It!

Getting Out of Your Own Way - Re-engineering Self-destructive Behavior

SHOW NOTES:

On this show...we are taking it down, ourselves that is. Just like a tackle in the game-winning play, we are taking ourselves down and getting out of our own way. Isn’t it just like us to sabotage a good thing, choose self-destructive behaviors over constructive ones, and be willing to justify it to the end. Today we are getting real. Honestly, who loses here? Or better yet, who isn’t winning? What if we negotiated a new deal. Instead of letting go and doing an about-face, we re-engineering our self-destructive behaviors into new self-serving behaviors.

What is the first thing that needs demolishing? Step back to see the bigger picture. You know how it goes when you are in the ditch digging away with no direction, plan, or insight - you can get nowhere fast! It’s also hard to see a new perspective from the bottom of a ditch. Step out, and look at the horizon. Where are you trying to go and how are you going to get there? You could take the long way hitting wall after wall, taking extended breaks to lick your wounds, picking up what pieces are left to make another go of it only to find yourself detoured at the first patch of rough road. 

Or you could take some time to chart out your course. Understand your strengths, weaknesses, address your limitations, search your soul for purpose and passion, enlist help from trusted friends and advisors, great a reliable support system, and make a vow to yourself that you WILL NOT take a step back. Only forward momentum allowed. 

You even have another option, do nothing. Stay where you are and find a way to be happy and if not, a way to get by another day. Remember, life is full of choices. 

Matt Duczeminski shines a light on 12 Self-Destructive Habits to Eliminate for a Positive Life in an article he wrote for lifehack.com. On the show, we dig into each one with a “fix”.

1. A Self-Defeating Mindset
2. Laziness
3. Forced Incompetence
4. Self-Pity
5. Taking It out on Others
6. Abuse of Drugs or Alcohol
7. Running From Emotions
8. Social Isolation
9. Refusing Help
10. Neglecting Personal Needs
11. Unnecessary Self-Sacrifice
12. Self-Harm

It took me a long time to come around full circle and face my demons - destructive behaviors. I had denial down, I tell you. When I finally hit a wall and was face to face with a choice, I chose me. I started putting myself first. That meant shining a light on everything weighing me down, the destructive behaviors that I had fiercely protected and denied.  Seeing them for what they truly were, provided me another choice. Stay the course or make some changes. I chose to remove the obstacles in front of me and to get serious about behaviors that never served me in a positive way. 

I removed crutches like alcohol and cigarettes and took an honest look at my need to control and fix. What would happen if I let others live their lives the way they wanted to….would mine still exist? The answer is, yes, and thrive! Ooooh when you channel all your positive energy in your own direction, the current is strong and will propel you faster than you might be prepared for.  Clear-headed and unencumbered I can be strategic about what I want and how I plan to get there. 

I didn’t totally let go of my desire to “fix” I just re-engineered it in a positive way. Now I help people who actually want help and I do so in a loving, no strings or expectations attached kind of way. 

Steven Handel explains How to Be 100% Honest With Yourself: A Prerequisite to Self-Improvement in an article he wrote for theemotionmachine.com

Acknowledge both the good and bad in your life

Take time to reflect

Admit it when you make mistakes

Pay attention to your feelings

Find someone you trust to be open with you

Avoid over-thinking and self-blame

Know when to trust your gut

Accepting what you don’t know

Remember, you are responsible for the decisions you’ve made in your life. The first time I addressed responsibility, I was only willing to share in it not truly accept it. Everything I did, or so I thought, was as a result of someone else. A consequence of this or that. I felt justified by that weak attempt at accepting responsibility. It’s like playing your life as doubles in tennis. Oops, that one got by but then it was probably your responsibility anyway. 

I recently read a book that changed my perspective which means the author hit the nail on the head because that was his sole intention. The very first chapter addresses this exact idea in a profound way. 

The book is called The Travelers Give and the first chapter is: The Buck Stops Here - The Responsibility Decision. 

 

From this moment forward, I will accept responsibility for my past. I understand that the beginning of wisdom is to accept responsibility for my own problems and that by accepting responsibility for my past, I free myself to move into a bigger, brighter future of my own choosing...

The buck stops here. I accept responsibility for my past. I am responsible for my success. I am where I am today—mentally, physically, spiritually, emotionally, and financially—because of decisions I have made. My decisions have always been governed by my thinking. Therefore, I am where I am today—mentally, physically, spiritually, emotionally, and financially—because of how I think. Today I will begin the process of changing where I am—mentally, physically, spiritually, emotionally, and financially—by changing the way I think...

I accept responsibility for my past. I control my thoughts. I control my emotions. I am responsible for my success.

CHALLENGE: with the choices that lay before, take your time and be decisive but only after you have let go of denial, come face-to-face with your self-destructive behaviors, vowed to be honest with yourself, and committed to re-engineering them in a positive way.

 

I Know YOU Can Do It!

Creatively Connecting and Effectively Communicating

SHOW NOTES:

On this show…..we are getting creative with our connections and effective with our communication. We have the unique ability to build rapport, develop meaningful and lasting relationships, share the most important details of our lives, brainstorm, give & receive encouragement, and love - why waste a single ounce of that ability. We may be inclined to say NOW more than ever we need to get creative in the way we connect and communicate but don’t forget, every generation faced their own unique challenges. When something is valued it becomes a priority and priorities get special treatment. All of a sudden time and resources are not an issue when something is that important to you

We start with ranking our connections and the importance they have in our lives to determine what we’re dealing with. You may have a big family full of brothers and sisters, aunts and uncles, with a bahoodle of cousins. Holidays and special occasions might be the perfect chance for you all to get together and catch up while sharing fun stories about times past. Your day-to-day may mirror the same, a big network of friends, a tight group of close friends, and loved valued by your co-workers. 

But then again, your situation might look quite different. You are a bit of a loner. Normal-sized family, most of who have moved on and started their own families. You have a few friends with good intentions but you rarely see them unless they or you need something. Funerals and weddings are more like reunions since it’s the only time you actually see everyone. That’s just the way it is - you like your alone time. 

Why do I put so much value on connections? I mean really, we’ve had our day in the sun with a wonderful group of close friends. They were there when I needed them and my needs have changed. I’m older now and don’t need them like I used to. I’m really ok alone. 

I don’t buy it and neither should you. 

Donna Pisacano Brown breaks down The Power of Human Connection in an article she wrote for LIhearld.com

We dig into all aspects...Human connection is an energy exchange between people who are paying attention to one another. It has the power to deepen the moment, inspire change, and build trust.

When researchers refer to the concept of “social connection,” they mean the feeling that you belong to a group and generally feel close to other people. Scientific evidence strongly suggests that this is a core psychological need essential to feeling satisfied with your life.

Social Isolation is a state of complete or near-complete lack of contact between an individual and society. It differs from loneliness, which reflects a temporary lack of contact with other humans.

Data indicates that we can increase social connections through practicing compassion for others as well as for ourselves. Another way to build stronger social connections is to ask yourself what would make you happy in contributing to your community. Focusing on “what you can give to others” is a proven way to feel both better about yourself and more connected to others.

Loneliness is a common problem among people of all ages and backgrounds, and yet it’s something that most of us hesitate to admit. But loneliness is nothing to feel ashamed about. Sometimes, it’s a result of external circumstances: you’ve moved to a new area, for example. In such cases, there are lots of steps you can take to meet new people and turn acquaintances into friends.

But what if you’re struggling with shyness, social insecurity, or a long-standing difficulty making friends? 

When it comes to shyness and social awkwardness, the things we tell ourselves make a huge difference. Here are some common thinking patterns that can undermine your confidence and fuel social insecurity:

• Believing that you’re boring, unlikeable, or weird.
• Believing that other people are evaluating and judging you in social situations.
• Believing that you’ll be rejected and criticized if you make a social mistake.
• Believing that being rejected or socially embarrassed would be awful and devastating.
• Believing that what others think about you defines who you are.

You don’t have to be perfect to be liked. In fact, our imperfections and quirks can be endearing. Even our weaknesses can bring us closer to others.

It’s okay to make mistakes. Everyone makes mistakes; it’s part of being human. So give yourself a break when you mess up. Your value doesn’t come from being perfect. If you find self-compassion difficult, try to look at your own mistakes as you would those of a friend. What would you tell your friend? Now follow your own advice.

Your negative self-evaluations don’t necessarily reflect reality. In fact, they probably don’t, especially if you:

• Call yourself names, such as “pathetic,” “worthless,” “stupid,” etc.
• Beat yourself up with all the things you “should” or “shouldn’t” have done.
• Make sweeping generalizations based on a specific event. For example, if something didn’t go as planned, you tell yourself that you’ll never get things right, you’re a failure, or you always screw up.

Try not to take things too personally. The other person may be having a bad day, be distracted by other problems, or just not be in a talkative mood. Always remember that rejection has just as much to do with the other person as it does with you.

This is a great time to insert Don Miguel Ruiz’s #2 agreement - Don’t take things personally

Whatever happens around you, don’t take it personally… Nothing other people do is because of you. It is because of themselves. All people live in their own dream, in their own mind; they are in a completely different world from the one we live in. When we take something personally, we make the assumption that they know what is in our world, and we try to impose our world on their world.

Here are some other effective communication skills from Dr.’s Lawrence Robinson, Jeanne Segal, and Melinda Smith, M.A.

Effective communication is about more than just exchanging information. It’s about understanding the emotion and intentions behind the information. As well as being able to clearly convey a message, you need to also listen in a way that gains the full meaning of what’s being said and makes the other person feel heard and understood.

Effective communication skill 1: Become an engaged listener

Skill 2: Pay attention to nonverbal signals

Skill 3: Keep stress in check

Skill 4: Assert yourself

 

CHALLENGE: Make space and align your priorities in creating and maintaining healthy connections. Giving and receiving encouragement is just one of the many joyful facets of effective communication. With any skill, it takes awareness and practice! 

 

I Know YOU Can Do It!

Adopting Healthy Routines and Breaking Bad Ones

SHOW NOTES:

On this show...say goodbye to the stale, same ol’-same ol’ self-sabotaging, counterproductive, and unhealthy routines that keep us stuck. We are adopting good ones and breaking bad ones. Yep, it’s that simple. Well, simple to say it but every good plan is just a “good plan” without action. So get ready to take action! Gone are the days of endless excuses and pathetic procrastination. We are about to give ourselves a swift kick in the shoulda, woulda, coulda, and get busy. Tired of wanting to get somewhere but never feeling forward momentum?

Think about your day, week, month, or year. How much of your time is spent on autopilot. You know, just aimlessly going through the motions? Routines can be comforting because of their consistent nature but they can also be habitual rarely challenged. The scientific community suggests that we make about 35,000 decisions each day. Our brain can’t possibly take the time to consider every single thing we do. We probably need to explore this concept from a few angles, Not being present or intentional, living in denial, and resistant to change. I can already gather that there won’t be an easy dissection between them but some combo of all three.

Noelle Bloom puts things in perspective with 10 Signs You’re Living on Autopilot- from an article she wrote for success.com.

1. You dread the day ahead.
2. Your daily routine is predictable.
3. You do things without thinking.
4. You can’t seem to put your phone down.
5. You stay deep in thought.
6. You have a difficult time remembering.
7. You can’t seem to let go.
8. You’re not making meaningful progress.
9. You say “yes” more than you say “no.”
10. You know there’s a better life to be lived.

How much time do you spend visualizing your future? You might think it’s fantasizing and even heard “Get your head out of the clouds” at least at some point in your life. But how are you supposed to get “there” if you don’t see yourself there?  Start now - Imagine your life in the next 2 years. Where do you want to be, what are you doing, and what are you NOT doing. Be specific with the details. Just being in a better position, job, money,  or family is not a clear enough picture to create motivation.

Now, repeat this exercise for 5 years, 8, and even 10 - journal.  about it, create some vision boards like Pinterest to gather visual cues. Whatever helps put you clearly in the scenario.

10 years ago I started working on breaking bad habits. One by one - it was a personal competition between my reason and my desire. I have really strong will-power if I set my mind to something and really really want it. I saw these habits as stumbling blocks in the bigger picture. Until I was free and unencumbered, I couldn’t get to where I wanted to go, and at the pace, I wanted to get there. I had to get real with myself and stop hiding behind excuses and false justifications. I’m good at selling myself on almost anything. Bigger picture - does this help propel me further or keep me where I am. Ok, it has to go. 

Once a year there is a big push to let go of the past and move forward, adopting healthier routines. Eating right, exercising, cleaning out & purging clutter are some of the top ones that come to mind. But what about our day-to-day, mindless routines - are they creating more resistance than necessary?

Nick Wignall shares 6 Subtle Habits That Are Sabotaging Your Happiness

1. Worrying about the future and other people’s opinions of you
2. Isolating yourself when you’re feeling down
3. Keeping quiet and “going with the flow”
4. Talking trash to yourself in your head
5. Trying to manage your stress
6. Believing your own thoughts unconditionally

Oh if it were that easy just to let it go!! Like a monkey on our back, we can accept all the reason in the world but when it really comes down to shaking it off, we create yet another justification point that our mind accepts. What happens next, we put off doing anything waiting for a more acceptable time. Hogwash. YOU have the power to STOP doing anything you don’t want to do today or at least to redirect your energy in a positive new direction. 

HBR Patel shares some insight on Breaking Bad Routines, One Bad Habit at a Time in an article he wrote for Medium.

Our routine is aptly shaped by our habits. A perfectly planned day may fail to deliver the end result if procrastination is one of your vices. It takes dedication and patience to overcome those habits and for that Neuroplasticity will come in handy.

So, What is Neuroplasticity?

A term that refers to the ability of the brain to adapt itself or reorganize itself to the new changes in the behavior, environment, or other factors by two-fold action: Synaptic pruning, deleting the neural connections that are no longer necessary or useful, and strengthening the necessary ones that can help adapt to the change.

Consider these healthy routines in the place of bad habits:

• Spend time by yourself exploring your own feelings
• Read - take your mind on a journey of new places, times, and ideas
• Create beauty in your space - make your home a safe and happy place
• Make time for the special people in your life
• Make space for new friends to become better friends
• Challenge old and outdated beliefs in yourself and the world around you
• Find ways to give back in a meaningful way - time, attention, resources

 

CHALLENGE: Be honest with yourself about mindless routines and bad habits that might be preventing you from reaching your goals. Visualize your life in five years and take action now removing the barriers from hitting that timeline. Replace bad habits with healthy routines that bring out the best in you!

 

I Know YOU Can Do It!

Organizing the Chaos Before it Becomes Chaotic

SHOW NOTES:

On this show…we are cleaning out the junk draw of life and organizing the chaos before it becomes chaotic. What’s that? Too late you say? Never! Don’t throw in the towel and keep piling it up hoarder style take charge and admit to yourself, enough is enough. You deserve peace, joy, and happiness, and wading through emotional and psychological clutter is unnecessary and counterproductive. 

As you sit here today, let’s identify where the chaos is coming from. Everyone is different, in different situations, and at different stages of their life. Try to rise above gaining a new perspective of the bigger picture. I love to actually visualize this exercise. Feel yourself floating up over your life and looking down. Everything naturally gets smaller as the angle is wider and more of the pieces and parts come into one view. Nothing is as it has to be.

For many of us, we want our lives to settle down and for things to run smoothly. But week after week, month after month, year after year, while there may be different players and different facts, it’s always the same old story. Our lives are chaotic.

Here are seven reasons we might be creating chaos-filled lives from Boni for livealifeyoulove.com. See if one or more of them rings true for you. 

1.   It’s your story 
2.   It’s your identity
3.   You (secretly) like it
4.   You don’t really think you have a choice
5.   You believe you deserve it
6.   You have nothing to replace it with
7.   Success scares the heck out of you

I talk about my experience...For me, chaos can come in the way of spreading myself too thin. I’m not a hoarder but more of a minimalist so I don’t struggle with physical clutter. I don’t obsess over the times I’ve been wronged or feel the same pull I once did to fix others so I don’t struggle with emotional clutter. Where I can overextend myself and create a bit of chaos, is in my commitments.

Let’s face it, life is busy in general so to avoid chaos at certain times is unrealistic. But….maybe finding ways to embrace the chaos and reorganize is a positive coping strategy. 

Bob Miglani is the author of The Washington Post Bestseller, Embrace the Chaos, which is about learning to move forward in times of change and uncertainty. Here are some of his ideas: 

1. Accepting the Chaos of Life is Better Than Trying to Fight it
2. You Cannot Predict the Future
3. You, Will, Feel Better DOING Than NOT DOING
4. One Thing Always Leads to Another
5. You, Will, Become a Better Person…Faster, Stronger, Leaner and Sharper
6. You are Resilient and Know How to Adapt
7. You Are Meant for Bigger Things
8. Chaos Forces us to Clarify What’s Really Important…and What’s Not
9. It Will Make you GRATEFUL
10. Chaos Can Be Transformative
11. Things Have a Way of Working Out in the End

If you are drowning in chaos feeling overwhelmed and stuck - embracing more and leaning in may not be the right move at this time. For you, giving yourself time to identify and declutter your life might be the only place to start. Spend some time by yourself, unplugged, listening to your heart. So often we are looking for a quick way out so we grab a youtube video on how to organize or read a blog on letting go.

You have a responsibility to yourself to push-back. Just as you feed yourself when you are hungry, bath when you are dirty, and sleep when you are tired, consume info as needed. Want to know what the weather is - look it up. Need to know the weather patterns for the country….not sure you do. Have a lot invested in the market and need to check the pulse - fine, get alerts as things go up and down by the minute - not necessary. These are just two examples. Apply them to what you digest today and what you actually NEED to know. There might be some overconsumption issues. 

Joanna Kleinman gives us  4 STEPS TO CALM THE CHAOS IN YOUR MIND in an article she wrote for Virtu Health.

Every day, as soon as you wake up, ask yourself this question:  “What do I need to let go of right now to be calm?” In other words, what thoughts are causing chaos in your mind? 

Every thought you have creates a physical response in your nervous system, and an emotional feeling in your body. Yet, you often allow your mind to go wherever it wants to go, without taking control over the direction it goes. Pay attention to the emotional and physical responses in your body when your mind goes to that chaotic, negative place.

Ask yourself who or what are you trying to control that you really don’t have any control over? Focusing on producing specific outcomes in your life makes you fixate on controlling things that you really don’t have any control over. 

To create an immediate sense of inner calm and peace, start a daily practice of letting go of past regret and future worry, and consciously direct your mind to right here, right now.

 

CHALLENGE: Find the root of chaos in your life to treat the symptoms appropriately. Let go, lean in, or reroute to get time and space to include joy and peace. You have choices, choose wisely. 

 

I Know YOU Can Do It!