The Frustration of Anger Avoidance

SHOW NOTES:

On this show...we are taking a big breath and counting to three, 1-2-3 - ahhhh as we identify and calm the frustration of anger avoidance. Are you tired of putting on a brave face while weathering the storm, all the while being poked, prodded, overshadowed, and coerced? Frustration is the emotional build-up when a person gets very irritated and disappointed from a certain situation over some time, and at some point, this frustration comes out as anger. Anger is the result of frustration; an emotional response that is shown verbally and physically. Cool your jets. Ok, not that easy but let’s get to the root of all the pent-up frustration and find out why you haven’t been able to effectively express yourself. Ready to smell a flower and blow out a candle?

I’m rarely angry or lose my temper. That’s not to say that I don’t get frustrated but being a problem-solver by nature, my first reaction is to figure out how to get out of any situation without the heightened emotions. As I delve into the times I’ve been frustrated as an attempt to uncover a common thread, I would have to say when I feel out of control or overwhelmed. Sometimes those feelings are synonymous with each other. 

Not that I’m a control freak by any nature...ok maybe a little, but the feeling of not being able to change a hopeless situation is frustrating. When I have a day packed with deadlines and more to-do’s than humanly possible I get overwhelmed and as a result, can feel frustrated. The frustration is because I know I will power through instead of giving realistic timelines and expectations or just saying no - I don’t have the capacity to take on one more thing. 

Identifying your feelings and triggers is so important. I saw a chart in a cozy corner of a Head Start daycare when I was visiting. The chart had a series of faces and labels depicting different moods and emotions. There was also a picture of a flower and a candle. I asked the teacher what this corner was all about and she said it was to help the children accurately identify their feelings in a safe space. Many of them come in feeling frustrated but through this exercise might actually identify with feeling sad or tired. They might say they are mad but in reality, might feel lonely or unheard. I was so impressed by this early identification that I immediately thought about my only children and what I did or didn’t teach them. I mean think about it, where does one learn this level of emotional identification at such a young age? Curious about the flower and candle, she showed me the exercise. When a child is frustrated, simply telling them to breathe may not be effective enough. But having them smell the picture of the flower and then blow on the picture of the candle is essentially breathing in through the nose and out through the mouth. GENIUS!! 

Let’s learn a little more about this with Emotional Labeling: How to Control Stress and Feel Less Anxious by Naming Emotions. Found at melodywilding.com

Here are 3 Ways to Better Understand Your Emotions by Susan David found at the Harvard Business Review

John Riddle helps us better understand this with: Repressed Anger and Emotional Avoidance: 5 Ways to Find the Positive in Negative Emotion

Dr. Leta A. Livoti  shares more about this in: Food for Thought: Anger avoidance found at Clark Fork Valley Press

Molly Callahan gives us some other alternatives in: To manage your anger better, learn the difference between frustration and irritation. Found at medicalxpress.com

KEY HIGHLIGHTS - The Frustration of Anger Avoidance

1. Emotional labeling is the practice of cultivating emotional literacy
2. Naming your emotions immediately releases their grip over you and reduces physiological distress
3. Words matter. If you’re experiencing a strong emotion, take a moment to consider what to call it
4. Feeling responsible leads to action but for many, it leads to hopelessness and overwhelm, burden, frustration, and despair. 
5. Confrontation can be very anxiety-producing and painful, and many people mistakenly believe the best way to deal with these feelings is to put them out of your mind
6. Angry energy can be highly productive or destructive. But you can use it productively to sharpen up your boundaries so that you don’t get mad about being used, manipulated or disrespected
7. Change negative self-talk into positive self-talk. When we talk badly about ourselves, we start to believe what we are saying which perpetuates the bad feelings. 
8. We can find the good in negative emotions, once we accept the idea they are just part of the journey of life, and they will eventually lead to better times.
9. Anger is the energy that helps you achieve a balance between giving and taking and helps you set healthy boundaries for yourself.
10.  We are all learning and growing and making the commitment to evolve with a new and better understanding.

 

CHALLENGE: Take time to understand the origin of your emotion and search your feelings for the right label. Proper identification is the start to unraveling the root. Create health boundaries that give you a safe space to react and appropriately express yourself.

 

I Know YOU Can Do It!